Unwanted videographer at my wedding

I think you should have eloped and saved everyone the hassle and money! Bit of an overreaction?!

I get how you feel. Something happened in my life that made me really upset in a similar way, and after festering and replaying it in my head for over a decade I have finally found peace in the fact that the thing was done from a place of love albeit misguided. My advice to you would be to put the video in the back of a cupboard and leave it there. Try not to think about it again. One day you may watch the joy on your kids faces as they watch their mum and dad get married and feel differently about it x

Confide in your friend. Say you know she meant well, but it’s making you feel really sad, and sadder still and totally isolated that you’ve felt like because it was a gift you can’t discuss it with your best friends or any of your friends so it’s also making you feel alone.

Tell her how sad you were to not be present in the most important moment of your life and to then have had to kept that sadness a secret and not have had anyone to talk to about it.

People love the drama, Mick

Seriously, can you imagine the scene where the Bride stops half way down the aisle, points and shouts at the Videographer ‘Get out I didn’t hire you !’ and then turns to the congregation and says ‘Now, where was I ?’

Nah fuck off.

I said I didn't want videos (20 years ago) and told everyone that. I was a bit anxious then! Two of the guests got their camcorders out anyway, one while I walked up the aisle, and one was waiting for us outside when we left the ceremony first. I wanted that to be a tiny private moment. Sounds daft maybe but it's the one day you expect people to respect, or at least double check, what you actually want. I would have been livid about the gift situation.

A friend took some video footage at my wedding and I couldn't stand videos of myself back then. Now I've somehow ended up running a podcast at work and nearly 20 years on, I would love to see that video now. I totally understand where you're coming from though. Try not to dwell on it, it sounds like it was done with the best of intentions but they missed the mark. Try to focus on how loved you are by your friends. I've known a lot of women fall out with friends over things like this following their wedding day. They would probably devastated if they knew how upset you are about it. Try to get past it if you can x

I totally get why you're upset. Someone encouraged the organisation and planning of a "surprise" at my wedding which I absolutely didn't enjoy. With all of the planning and preparation that goes into a wedding it's really unfair to spring something on someone no matter how "lovely" the thought is. Iv chosen not to remember the surprise part of my wedding. 2 years later I still get irritated by it. But the rest of the day was beautiful and more than makes up for it. Funnily enough this surprise is featured in our wedding video and hubby thinks it's hilarious that I look less than impressed throughout!

Fwiw we had our wedding video made for the kids, my little girl was only a year old and I really wanted her to see the day when she's older. It's something I'd have loved to have seen of my own parents and my parents in law too. Perhaps you can save your video for your future family's memories rather than your own?

Hi there! I’m sorry this happened to you, because I get where you’re coming from!

Firstly, I would have stopped walking down the freakin aisle to get rid of that videographer, or would have sent someone to find him and eject him. But, you didn’t, for your reasons, and here we are.

I too think that you need to contact the videographer to let them know, etc. they’re bound to be mortified.

I’m not sure exactly where in the world you are, but in the US, someone doesn’t need permission to record in public, but a private event is an entirely different story. Your friend also may have falsified your signature on legal documents, granting permission to record, etc. you need to look into all of those issues.

I also wouldn’t be too concerned with upsetting your friend, because of the following reasons: she didn’t care about your feelings on the subject. It’s not like you said, “We would love it, but can’t afford it,” or something similar. You said you didn’t want one, which she chose to ignore, regardless of your feelings! It’s passive disrespect and she only did it because she wanted you to have one, that’s it. Then, she got your friends involved, which, didn’t any of your friends know your feelings on the matter? If so, why didn’t they speak up????

If I were you I’d do the following: contact friend, get videographer’s name, if she asks why, just say you had a question about an effect or completion date. Talk to the videographer and he should, at the very least, offer you a 50% refund- if they don’t offer you something, you would be well within your rights to mention that you’re going to contact wherever he has had to register his business with about his practices. Also, no matter if he compensates you or not, I’d file a complaint about their practices.

Then, after that, I’d contact the obtrusive friend and explain your feelings, and how something that you didn’t ask for and didn’t want aggravated you and therefore, irreversibly affected your life event, etc.

You can let her know this in a way that is not inflammatory, and if she gets upset, that’s on her. The only things you can really control in life are your actions and your reactions. Not other people’s. 🤷‍♀️

I’d also send an email to every contributor that says the same thing: you appreciate the generous gift, but feel badly that they were convinced/duped into contributing to something that you had clearly stated that you weren’t interested in having, etc. I would also let them know that you contacted the videographer, and the outcome of that and how you’ve spoken to so and so about your feelings.

Question: did the contributing friends at least give you guys a card to congratulate you on your wedding with notes inside that they contributed, or did your boundary ignoring friend tell you?

If they even didn’t get you a card because they contributed, you should definitely address that, because they each should have! I mean, we’re taking basic manners here!!

I’m recommending being honest with all involved, because I’m concerned that you
may not be able to move on if you don’t, and may get passive-aggressive with her or the others in the future.

Picture this hypothetical scenario: You’re expecting a baby (let’s pretend you want kids, because I don’t know if you do), and are having a baby shower, etc. Your arranger friend is over, talking about the impending arrival, party etc. and is surprised that you’re not painting the nursery at all or a certain color, because that’s what they did, yada yada… You’re still harboring resentments that you are or are not aware of, and you flippantly reply back, “Well, just don’t ask all my friends to contribute to having the nursery painted or painted a color I don’t want!!!”

Then, it’s on, and at a much less conducive, and much later time. Not fun.

Don’t add to situation by lying to your friends by omission, because that’s what you’re doing by not addressing it.

I hope this all works out so all are happy! Oh! Also, I’d never let ANYONE watch that video!! Unless you decide to watch and keep it! 🩷

I look forward to seeing an update! 🤩

He was in her eyeline while she was making her vows FFS!

I’d be so mad if I were you! It’s like someone saying I loved roses in my centrepieces and you saying I’m not having roses. Then they go and organise roses for your centrepieces. this woman had no business organizing anything for your wedding, however good her intentions were.
i think you should be honest with her. 1) you’re worried to upset her while she upset you on such an important day 2) she seems to have no self awareness and will hopefully teach her to be more mindful in the future.

So none pf your friends ever knew you hate being photographed or filmed? And the friend kept talking about her videographer and you just went with "oh, how lovely." Given your strong feelings?

years back when I was getting married (not in the UK) I told my British FiL to be that filming weddings was illegal. I so didn't want to filmed.

I didn't mind people taking candid pictures but the photographer overstepped the mark and took a load of pictures "that every bride loves" which I had no interest in. I think we bought about 6 of his photos in total - not the huge volume he obviously expected.

If you and your husband both felt this way about a videographer, surely you would have spoken about it after the ceremony and one of you could have said something to the videographer? I’m unsure how you think it was rude to have specifically said you didn’t want one. In no way is it rude to express what you want for your own wedding, obviously if you use a disgusted tone of voice when being asked about it then that could seem offensive, but if you had merely said “a videographer is just not what we want as part of our day” all of this surely could have been avoided. But for those who are thinking a friendship should be ended over that is ridiculous, she’s done it out of kindness it seems and realistically nothing can be done about it now. If you need someone to vent to, maybe just choose people who aren’t the ones who contributed to the gift to talk to about it rather than hold it all in and remain sour over something you probably could have prevented after you first noticed it 😕 hopefully for everyone involved’s sake, it won’t ruin a good friendship over something that hasn’t been done with ill intent.

Completely get that the thought of watching yourself on video can be unsettling (I’m the same, and I hate hearing my own voice!) I would recommend setting the video away somewhere so you and your husband can maybe watch it YEARS later and think, “I don’t remember being this smokin’ hot that day, but the camera never lies…!”

Dont gaslight OP into thinking she is beign unreasonable. She would have preferred presents instead of a shitty video she never wanted.

When we got married 30 years ago we were adamant we did not want videos. All our friends and family knew this, except, some friends from overseas came who didn't get the message and took video.

On the day I was furious. Over the following years it became a joke. Now 30 years later the video is precious. It captures the raw emotions of the day, family members and friends who have since died and I can't believe we were so young slim and good looking .

I would say don't delete it. For now it can be funny anecdote about your wedding and open it again in 30 years. I'm certain you won't be sad.

I think you’re overreacting OP. I understand why you’re annoyed but you’re fixating on something that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of getting married to the love of your life. My husband and I really didn’t want a slow first dance (which we’d told the DJ) so I selected two upbeat and happy songs to start the night. The DJ played the first one, then put on an awful slow love ballad that I hate and we had to grin and bear it as everyone was watching us and clapping, taking photos/videos. (If I could go back in time I would have stood still and told him to immediately change it to the song I’d paid him to play but like yourself, I was surprised and there was so much going on) but I haven’t obsessed over it since the wedding. Someone put a video of us onto social media and I thanked them and hide it so I never have to hear that crappy song again. Weddings aren’t perfect. It’s the imperfections you laugh about later. I agree your friend shouldn’t have done it, but have a moan on here and then put it out if your mind. Don’t let it ruin a good friendship or taint the memory of what otherwise was such a special day in your life.

Dear Banjomonkey
You are perfectly allowed to feel upset and distressed by having your wedding videoed without having your consent first. My hubby and I felt the same way and didn't video it either. We would have felt mortified if a videoographer had turned up unexpectedly as you did.
I feel your pain especially as you missed out on wedding gifts too.
Your friend probably had good intentions.
Its really a case of how do you recover from this so you can look back with joy on your special day.
Im sure time will help but maybe there is just one person who has your back you can let off steam with?
Everything happens for a reason in life and there may be a reason for this video you will be glad of one day in the future.
You could write an imaginary letter to your friend expressing your feelings. Then throw it away.
Otherwise you might carry this resentment forever which is a shame.

I totally get where you’re coming from. We put it on our invites that we didn’t want anyone to make
any videos of the wedding and that we would find it intrusive and would ruin our day. Then our sister in law kept badgering us to have a videographer because of how much she loved hers (she’s now divorced so I guess the video may be less popular now ;-)) We also had an aunt and uncle that were stunned we didn’t want to capture every moment!!
I’m sorry your friend did this to you, but she did it from a place of love and you need to accept that it’s done now and get over it. Your friendship is hopefully worth more than poor communication and an unwanted gift.

Imagine how dramatic you'd be if an actual problem happened!

Late to this thread, but the majority of people I know aren't mega keen on their photo being taken. I don't think it's strange at all!

Don't accept a copy of the video. Or just bin it. Don't watch it and try to forget it was part of your day.

And you clearly have zero empathy. Thats something you should begin working on.