Unwanted videographer at my wedding

If I throw a stick will you leave?

I am that person. If its not my party, I step aside and let everyone else photograph everyone else. If its my party, I say no photos/videos and mean it.

As a wonderful memory of a fucked up day......

Yes, I'm the groom. I've been posting an excessive number of posts a day on Mumsnet for about five years, pretending to be a 69 year old grandma. But I've finally been busted. Well done.

I know people who've not wanted to be in a group photo. No problem. They take the photo of the rest of us. I don't call that 'being affected'.

this woman had no business organizing anything for your wedding, however good her intentions were.

Whatever anyone's opinion on videos and photos, or what OP should have done or felt, none of that matters. The above is absolutely fundamental.

The organisation and choices for a wedding are no-one's business other than the bride and groom. Inserting one's own preferences into someone else's wedding without discussion or notice is beyond the pale.
Imaging someone phoning the hotel and changing the menu. Or phoning the florist and changing the flowers to their own taste. Or tampering with the guest list.

Why anyone on this thread is defending the friend, boggles my mind.

"How on earth does not liking to have your photo taken affect other people?"

Seriously??? Can you really not imagine a situation where everyone else in a group wants to take a photo and one person doesn't. I can't really believe this so I'm guessing you're like OP's groom and that's why you're playing the innocent.

I completely understand how you feel, I’m sorry. It’s a shame some of your friends didn’t realise it wouldn’t be good to organise and stop her. If you wanted a videographer paid for, you would have put it on your wedding list!

We had a smaller and less minor situation at our wedding. We said no photography, thank you during the ceremony. On the morning of the wedding my mum said she saw the photographer and I was confused as it didn’t sound like our photographer. I didn’t think much about it.

When I went down the aisle I saw my husbands corner boss was armed with 1 or 2 long lenses cameras and was snapping away, next to our wedding photographer!! I regretted I was curt with him when we were leaving the ceremony. Anyway he continued snapping through our wedding, but never even sent us the photos after! Like you, I felt kind of intruded upon.

Separately, my uncle offered last minute to film. I was happy he offered, and appreciate having the videos. Perhaps there is a small, small chance you may appreciate later, but I understand that seems unlikely. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

I hope you have lovely memories from the rest of your wedding day xx

Doesn’t sound like your family were up for spending much so unlikely to have missed any great presents.
shove it in a drawer and when u have kids or someone u love dies u can watch and remember them.

I’m a professional photographer and videographer and there’s no way I’d have taken a job like this without the couple’s explicit consent. I’m so aware how self conscious people can feel being filmed/photographed and a huge part of my job is helping couples manage that. Having someone landed on you without warning like that would be hugely off-putting . Massive overstep from your friend.

I am someone who hates myself being photographed and video. I fully empathise with you.
I feel your friend has controlled and sabotaged part of your wedding. I believe this because she railroaded your close friends and guests to pay for the videographer . Personally, I find this intrusive, disrespectful and unforgivable. A very strong reaction I know. However, I speak from experience where close friends. loved ones have ignored my feelings, thoughts and wishes throughout my life. And, when I have reacted to their antics I have been gaslit and made to feel the "Villian" because I hurt their feelings and they were. "Only thinking of me; that they thought I would like it". "They meant well". This is all rubbish as far as I'm concerned. It's all control, they think they know better .
Anyone who does something where the other person has explained or stated they do not want, are not bothered and made it clear they are not interested in a particular something needs to be challenged on going against the other person's wishes etc.
I believe you should have words with your "friend" about what she's done. Because, you state you had a lovely wedding day. However; she ruined it to some degree because this is bothering you. And your husband wasn't comfortable either. She was wrong and at the moment she's patting herself on the back believing she's the best thing.
Please speak to her for your own sanity; at the moment you are making excuses for her wrong behaviour. And, I suspect because she's so so so nice she's gotten away with stuff before.
Is she really your friend?
If she turns it back on you and makes you the villain then drop her. You've lost nothing and the same for the rest of your friends if they agree with her. Drop them too. I suspect she'll drag everyone in. Good luck.

Why didn't you or someone else tell the videographer to sling their hook as soon as possible, as soon as you noticed them yes even if you were doing your vows. If you don't like the resulting videos you could write to them politely requesting they delete the video. If you own the only copy, delete it.

1. 😒

I also hate photos, but accept that they are bloody inevitable. But unwanted and distracting video is a whole other level, and if that had happened to me (when I was younger and less confrontational) I'd just have walked straight back down the aisle and got a cab home, unmarried.

Today, I'd probably go ballistic and demand to know who had organised it and why they thought that was okay ... and then march off.

I understand this and would feel the same.We didn't have a photographer as I'd find it unbearable, being recorded is even worse!
It's really overstepping the mark arranging something like this without asking you.

I dont think your being unreasonable at all but I do think it was very very silly of you not to have nipped it in the bud at the time and now you only have yourself to blame for the awkwardness it gave you on the day.

You notice the videographer, you knew you didn’t want one. Why on earth did you start your day knowing it was there???? That part is completey unreasonable.

there is 100% nothing that would of stopped you going, whos that? .. oh such and such hired a videographer… oh i see, thank but could you send my apologies, my husband to be and i dont wished to be filmed.

then hello vicar, and get married, have your dream day. I’m sorry but you have to tske responsibility that you let the videographer stay.

you dont at all need to watch the video or expplain yourself to anyone. Your friend was completely out of order.

I totally agree with you and it would have spoilt my day. I hate photos so I think my husband would have to tell them to leave.

That's closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. The ceremony has already been ruined for the bride owing to the intrusiveness of the logistics of the recording process and the videographer still requires paying otherwise there is a breach of contract. Those people who contributed to the video and might have been hoping for a copy are hardly likely to want to pay additionally for wedding presents and, if they did, the bride might feel guilty and awkward about their having to shell out twice for gifts.

It's a fait accompli. Put it down to experience: do not let oneself get into a similar situation with that person: make one's intentions clear before the fact, not after, risking a lesser upset and steer clear of similar controlling people.

Is it a wedding photographer from surrey/guilford/ cranleigh area? by any chance? I had problems with someone who used to be cabin crew.

At least you won’t have to write any thank-you letters!

i honestly can’t imagine any friendship or situation where I’d think it was ok to invite a videographer to someone else’s wedding. What was she thinking. YANBU

I too am sorry that happened at the wedding. But please don't focus on that negative thing. Think about how lovely it was to prepare for the wedding and all the lovely things that went with it. I know you may not want to watch that video now, but who knows 20, 30 years down the line? If you decide to have children, who knows how excited such a video might be? Yes it is nice to get gifts and unwrap them, and the fact your guests contributed so much to this thing shows how well you're thought of and how much you're loved. Please don't let the actions of your dear friend take away the beauty of the wedding. It must also feel hard choking down the pain and annoyance you feel when u see her, especially when mah have had to thank her for a gift you didn't want.
Just take stock and let it flow out through you like water, see that it doesn't leave a scar or a dark memory. I wish you and your husband a lovely life together.xx

I think your friend had good intentions and your close friends suggested it was the right thing to do. I think in years to come you’ll come to cherish the video.

I totally get this as feel I have been similarly hijacked in the past although not a wedding! Firstly the in-laws sprang a surprise christening style party for us in their garden with a lot of guests and cake when my daughter was a few weeks old. It meant we could not then really do a naming ceremony as all the guests had been there done it and bought a gift for the occasion. It was a proper affair with christening style cake and gazebo in the garden with “Its A Girl” plastered everywhere. Just before my daughter’s 1st birthday we were away with the in-laws at a hotel and Sister-in-law springs a first birthday celebration on us. With balloons and cake and decorations at the hotel. My first baby ( and turns out to be the only one we had) and she took that moment from us. At Christmas on a couple of occasions she showed up with the stocking presents for our child. Now, like your friend, my sister-in-law is a loving and giving person (not some show-stealing narcissist) but she gets it really wrong and tbh 18 years later I am still a bit upset about this when I think of it. I don’t know how you can approach her without making it worse for you than it already is - sorry. Someone should have told her no it was too personal a thing and I am surprised no family or anyone did so also how she did not feel this put a bit more. Has she history with this stuff?

People who like having their pic taken can't understand why others don't. I'm reasonably good looking but not photogenic, and as a result hate my pic being taken. Surely the topic would've come up before, and at least one other 'best friend' would have known your wishes, and spoken up. I think it's important to address how you feel with your friend otherwise it will fester. Don't act angry.....just act hurt, and bewildered, that a friend decided you should have a gift that you really, really didn't want, and had made clear you didn't want. SHE wanted the video, she heard your wishes but disregarded them. Selfish cow!

You clearly have no idea how much some people despise having their photo taken and the upset this is likely to cause.
Absolutely totally with you OP. I’ve never watched my wedding video from 30 years ago and I didn’t want it videoed either.