Unwanted videographer at my wedding

This as well. I used to have to sort copyright for ceremonies that were being professionally recorded. That cost me money, so the cost for a videoed ceremony was extra on top of normal fee.

I would hate this too. I'd have sent them home, but I totally get that this could have caused a row or bad feeling on your wedding day.

Now in your shoes I'd find it hard not to be honest if the friend asked me directly. I mean, when you said you didn't want a videographer, they interpreted that as you did want a videographer but couldn't afford one. There's a lot to unpack there for the friendship! "Perhaps I should have emphasised that it was actually very important to me that there was not a videographer at my wedding."

As a former wedding musician, I'm appalled that the videographer agreed to this without your consent. It's such a personal day that everything has to be just so.
You need to contact the videographer and put them right about this. They need to look at their working practices and who commissions their services. They'll likely be appalled too that a) you didn't want them in the first place and b) they were so distracting they spoiled the most sacred part of the ceremony for you.
You also need to put your friend right about their poor decision about this. For her to have ignored your saying that you weren't going to have one, and gone ahead and imposed her taste on you shows that she doesn't actually know you all that well. I wouldn't be worried about upsetting her. Her actions spoiled part of your day. She needs to know that.

You should tell the truth to all your friends. You enjoyed most of your wedding but there was a videography
there that you had no idea about and it spoiled it for you as you specifically did not want one. You realise it was meant kindly but you hated it and are upset that people spent a lot of money on something you don’t want and can’t return.

It won’t be an easy conversation, but you don’t have to engage in it any further than saying if you’d wanted one you would have arranged one and you didn’t. otherwise if you don’t say something, it will spoil the memories of your wedding for you.

This is a deeply weird move by your friend. Who organises a videographer for someone else’s wedding? Did she turn up with a wedding cake too?

I’d have told the videographer they weren’t wanted at the start and if that wasn’t possible, I’d ask them to destroy the video they took.

We didn’t have a video either. I can’t see any time when I’d actually sit and watch it. In the six years since we got married I’ve looked at the photos once, when DD asked to see them.

I'm really sorry that this spoiled your day but I couldn't help thinking this would be hilarious in a sit-com.
Maybe, a few years from now, when the whole wedding vision has faded a bit, you'll laugh about it?

Okay. Perhaps not.

That is something you can rewire though.

I sympathise because a load of my friends clubbed together to buy me a 40th birthday present which was well-intentioned but totally useless to me and they had it monogrammed so I couldn't return it.

You can reframe your memories of the day - focus on other things you could see, hear, feel, and really focus on remembering those details in full technicolour.

(BTW if you actually watch the video you won't be able to see the videographer - you might find some gems in there).

What a ridiculous response when OP has explained it WAS and IS a big deal to her.
And WHY she is upset about it.

I would be absolutely disgusted with someone interfering in my wedding in such a way.

I harmless this assumption that everyone is the same and this so called ferried assumed that OP should be just the same as herself.

This is woman is no friend to OP and I think she should be told how absolutely out of order it was to arrange this intrusive videoing of the wedding.

Who DOES this?! The friend is nuts.

However, what’s done is done and you almost can’t let yourself get mad at your friend because then it increases the negativity you already have about your wedding day. I’d honestly just delete all traces of the video and focus your energies on the parts of the day you did enjoy. You can’t let this dominate your wedding day memories more than it already has.

I wouldn’t advocate therapy for this because then you’re dedicating even more time to ruminating on it.

Take the video and put it in a drawer for the future. As above pp said- you never know- one day when you have children ( if you don’t already) or you lose people important to you, you may just find it a comfort to watch. My children loved watching mine and I originally thought it was tacky. I’m glad I have it now.

i think your friend did it with the best intentions although I agree that she shouldn’t have dragged everyone else into paying. I think you need to not over react. Letting this spoil your day is ridiculous.

That was seriously overstepping. For starters you need permission from the church and crucially any musicians to film as artists they are allowed to charge additional fees for their music to be recorded (remember it’s their livelihood often, not all have other jobs or are retired). I would have hated this myself, I only had a few pictures taken in total

I think you need to share how you feel with the friend. Otherwise she's probably going to do similar things to other people without thinking about what they want. "Friend I really appreciate the effort and feeling that went into organising the videographer and I love that you care do much you wanted to do something really special for me. However myself and husband really didn't want a videographer at the wedding and it distracted from our enjoyment of the day. Can I suggest in future if you are considering arranging a present like this, particularly with others contributing, that you specifically check whether it's something the recipient wants?"

I think you need to reflect on why you:
a) didn't tell the videographer to stop
b) feel unable to say anything about your true feelings
C) describe this person who behaved very rudely as 'great'

Where is the video? Contact the videographer and say it was videoed without consent.

This happened to me too. In my case it was my sil’s dh doing a nice thing. Ugh! Neither he, nor sil would have known that I absolutely hated the idea of being videoed, but I’m surprised that none of your close friends knew your feelings about this.

I’ve never watched my video. I feel like it’s somehow wrong to destroy it but at this stage, time has probably taken care of it anyway,

You can contact the videographer and say you did not want their services, and say you don't grant permission for the footage to be used or shared with anyone but you.

What happened to you was really not ok - a big overstep by your 'friend'.

People who don't understand boundaries can never be real friends.

I got married in 1997 when video recording weddings was the 'thing.' My friends husband had a camcorder and recorded our wedding. I wasn't keen. However now 28 years later it contains footage of my long deceased Dad and many aunties and uncles who have also since died. Far more important to me than the gifts from our wedding list (another throw back from the 90's). So, I do understand to a degree but I do think you are overreacting. I also think this idea of missing out on wedding presents isn't a good look.

I would have felt just as strongly as you, OP. But irrespective of the disruption it may have caused, if I had seen someone who was obviously a professional videoing my wedding, either before I went into the church or as I was going down the aisle, I would have told them to stop. It’s a shocking intrusion of your privacy and a very thoughtless thing for your friends to have organised.

I wouldn’t have liked it either but if you feel so strongly it seems strange that you didn’t stop it after the ceremony or then none of your close friends knew how you would feel? Your friend has massively overstepped in organising it.

It's one thing if your friend has hired the videographer herself and it was a generous act from her alone.

It's quite another that she's rallied the masses, on her own behalf, and therefore prevented you from getting any other gifts. That's some serious CF territory. No-one should ever count their chickens when it comes to gifts but it's very common for people to use wedding gift towards honeymoons etc. One of my friends used theirs towards IVF treatment! Your friend was seriously presumptuous and way out of line on this.

I would have hated this!

I don’t agree that in 10 years you’ll be thankful - it isn’t their call to make. I didn’t have any wedding photos and 15 years later it makes no difference at all.

be sad, be angry. It was out of order to spring a surprise like that. I’d let the friend know they massively overstepped. Not even sure id consider someone who did that to be a friend. The ‘I know you better than you do’ is so awful.