Unwanted videographer at my wedding

Is there one friend in the group that you can talk openly about it with who will be understanding and maybe see if they can find a way of letting the others know gently, but that you don't want to talk about it.

That way, everyone is aware of how you feel (and can avoid doing anything similar in the future) but it doesn't become a big thing within the group!

To be honest, it would annoy me too but possibly not as much as it has you. If I felt that strongly about it, I probably would have stopped the ceremony and asked them to leave 😂(not suggesting you should have done by the way....just that I am stubborn enough to do that)

If she saw the man wandering round the church I’m surprised that she didn’t say anything in that case - it would have been much easier for her to have stepped in and sent him away than you.

I disagree with others who are suggesting that you might be glad that you have the video in the future. I got married in 1989 and have a total of eight photos of my wedding and reception, all of which were taken by my mother in law. They captured us signing the register, my dress, the register office, and our friends at the reception - I’ve never ever wished we had more, and certainly not a video!

Has your friend posted any of her own video on socials, and tagged the videographer? You could tell a little while lie and say "Hi friend, could you send me the contact details for the videographer? A colleague asked for recommendations."

Are there any other friendship group wedding where she might do this again?

I do think you have to stand up for yourself, for the sake of your sanity. Telling people/her how you feel will be a good way to let off steam, so you won't keep ruminating over it for months/years to come. Either that, or take up boxing 😅

The OP absolutely is not overreacting. I hate having my photo taken - some people do. It doesn't mean we're strange and it doesn't mean other people get to decide to do something that we don't want them to do.
Personally, I find it strange that some people want to spend their entire life pulling faces at a camera, but there you go.

Why on earth would you not say something? She’s fleeced your friends. She overstepped massively. She’s a moron. And also she clearly felt your wedding was inadequate so took over. Biatch.

"You'll be glad of the videos later on" ... I hope so but, if anyone had videoed my wedding, they'd be full of a bride glaring daggers at the camera 😂

OP I would contact the videographer, it isn’t really their fault as god knows what your friend told them when booking them. But if you’re not interested in the video it means they won’t waste their time editing etc - which is probably a massive part of the cost. And it will mean that next time something like this occurs - although I can’t imagine many people doing this without checking with the bride/groom first- the videographer will think twice about just turning up

You can factually get some of the feelings out which might make you feel a bit better.

It might mean the videographer lets your friend know since the contract is with them, meaning your friend will know you aren’t happy but you don’t have to directly tell her.

While your friend did something they thought you would like, it has upset you, why do her feelings trump yours? If she finds that it upset you yes she may get upset too, but that’s what happens when you do something without checking first, there is always a risk. You don’t have to tell her with all guns blazing, but it might be best to just have the conversation with her

If she’s a great friend then hopefully it is something you can then move on from.

But that was your choice, for your wedding, in your life.

It's so important to remember people are all different, and respect those differences.

They would have been turned away at my wedding as the vicar was very clear. He wanted advance notice of who the videographer was.

My husband has also sung at weddings and the videographers have to show in advance they are adhering to copyright. I wasn't even allowed to video my husband singing at my cousin's wedding because the church organist accompaniment had copyright of his performance and only the official videographer had the rights to do that.

Not everyone likes photos.

I also dislike photos. Never have them taken. Family often laugh if I went missing they wouldn’t have a recent photo only photos from when I was kid!

I got married in 1990 and had a video. It’s a precious record of parents, relatives and friends who have since died. In particular my mother who eventually succumbed to dementia and I don’t have much other video of her as she was.

you have friends that made a gesture in good faith and gave you a gift you didn't want.

It wasn't just a gift. She changed OP's wedding!

I don’t see why you’re worried about upsetting your friend. She wasn’t worried about upsetting you and ruining your day. I would tell her and say you’re really sad that you didn’t receive other gifts. She’s been awful and is not a nice person.

I agree with contacting the videographer, telling them you hadn't requested their service or consented to being filmed, and asking them to destroy the images without releasing them to anybody.

If you see any of the images on social media, ask the friends to take them down.

Your friend will get the message, and that's your opportunity to tell her you understand she meant it kindly but she should have respected your wishes - she overreached by miles, she actually altered your wedding without your consent. Hopefully she'll be chastened and you can all consider the matter finished.

To boil it down, you have friends that made a gesture in good faith and gave you a gift you didn't want.

I get it, I'd rather have something else! But what's done is done. There was no malice.

So you basically need to find a way to move forward.

You're married to someone you love and you have thoughtful friends.

The positive to take from this is that no matter how much you hate that video or hated it on the day, someone from the next generation will see it and treasure it.

You don't say if you want children so I don't want to assume, but if you have them, this is something they will hold close to them. It may even be something one of you treasures in old age.

I hope that despite it being unwanted, it one day brings you some small bit of comfort.

Of course you can say something. If these were friends they would want to know you as you really are. You don't have to shout or be rude.

I don't understand why you feel the need to pretend to someone who has upset you - especially when they did so by doing a very strange and overbearing thing.

Definitely contact the videographer. Really weird and unprofessional that they went ahead without discussion with, or consent from, the main subjects!

I'm in agreement with others here in that possibly you will love that video in years to come. Let's hope so. Most people I know who have those photo albums (before internet and mobile photos etc) say they wish they'd had a video of their big day. Very few older marrieds were lucky enough to have a friend with a video camera.
I'm assuming what your friends did with the best of intentions cost a lot! They may want to see the resulting video so no idea how you deal with that. Sorry I don't have time to read all comments so this may have been discussed.

You should tell your closest friends. Maybe not her, though I'm sure it will get back to her and that's fine. She screwed up massively. Organising a surprise like that and co-opting so many people into it was out of order. If she'd offered to club together with friends and get it for you you could have said no but she over stepped. She should know! If she heard from someone else you don't need to have a confrontation with her but she'll know what she did wrong.

Did the Groom not notice and speak with the videographer; as presumably he was at the church and filmed before you arrived?