Unwanted videographer at my wedding

Your friend overstepped the mark. She had no right to do this.

I was the same as you. I hated the thought of a videographer as I am quite self conscious. It was something my husband really wanted though.

I couldn't bring myself to watch it until quite a few years later but actually made a real nice evening.

not to dismiss your feeling as your friend was definitely wrong to do this! But in a few years time you may be able to bring yourself to watch it and quite enjoy it.

I'm glad it's helpful to reframe it 💕

But do still take your time to process it and don't shame yourself for your feelings. Just because you can find a way to come to terms with it, it doesn't undermine or invalidate your perfectly reasonable feelings. Take your time and be gentle on yourself. I hope you have a lovely marriage (and hopefully a nice honeymoon to look forward to 🤩🥰)

I agree with this. There were moments I cringed at in my wedding video (because I study myself in photos and videos far too much than I should!) but we watch it back occasionally years later and it gets better and better with age. You forget so much from your wedding day and the video brings it all back in a way that even the most candid photos can’t - and we had an incredible photographer too but it’s just not the same.

I’d be annoyed too though OP but I’d try to move on by thinking of any positives for you - and I certainly wouldn’t let it spoil my day. Tbh, your reaction to having your photo taken (and your DH’s) is an overreaction. My parents were like this and I have barely any photos of us together from my childhood - it’s quite sad actually and upsets me and my siblings.

Rude and slightly mad of her. But you are over-reacting: after all, you had a photographer even though your husband hates being photographed. And a lot of this is down to you not asking them to stop - you've said 'they were in your eyeline all day' but also you couldn't find them after the service.

You need to think about why you and your husband felt unable to make this clear on the day.

Now it's done - it won't happen again, I wouldn't bother raising it with your friend.

There are often a lot of threads with brides fixating on something that 'ruined their special day' - but there is ALWAYS some drama, please don't fixate on it.

I agree that it's also really unprofessional of the videographer. What if you'd had guests who didn't want to be filmed for whatever reason (young children/celebrity friends or someone skipping work to be there 😁/fleeing a DV situation/witness protection) - yes the argument is that the video should only go back to your friend who was there anyway but you (or guests) have absolutely no control over what she or the videographer does with their images.

Has she watched her video a lot?
Does she do screenings?

I think her talking to you about how much she liked having a videographer was a broad hint - too subtle as it’s turned out, and that was your opportunity to say absolutely not. She was testing the water. It’s such a shame, but I think you do need to speak to her about it so nothing like this happens again.

DH went to a wedding back in the dark ages (early 90s maybe) when camcorders were new and exciting and wedding videos not really a thing.
A friend of the couple had a camcorder so decided he'd secretly take some footage at the reception as a nice surprise for them.
He went round asking varying guests to say a few nice things about the wedding but all you could see later were various dressed up people listening to this friend saying: "Just act naturally and say something nice to Jane and John. Ready? Right, I'll just turn it on..." 🤦🏻‍♀️

@L0bstersLass "I'm astonished that the videographer can take official instruction from anyone other than the bride and groom." yes this is the most unbelievable bit of the whole thing.

The worst is yet to come your friend will turn up at your door with a bottle for an evening to watch the video together.

There's no way she's not going to want to see it given her batshit actions to date

This happened recently at a wedding that I was bridesmaid at, only it was her husband who has organised it! We were in a hotel suite getting ready before the wedding and it was very intrusive in such a small space and in such private and special moments, she actually did boot him out in the end and told her husband in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t welcome. The end result of what he got was quite nice but it not sure it was worth the stress it caused.

I don’t think you are overacting. I think your friend was being invasive and unfair in imposing her ideas on to your wedding. I would be really upset with this too.

it’s your day, you plan it and pay for it. She has interfered and that is not ok. Sorry, but I would have to say something. I couldn’t leave this.

Won't the friends be asking if you like the video?

That's an opportunity to be honest and say the sudden appearance of a videographer was a shock, confusing and intrusive to you, your H and mother as no one knew why this person had shown up and was doing it.

Separate it out from the video itself.

I do understand you don't want to upset them but just be honest about it and a good friend should understand.

I'm not surprised you're upset. I would have hated this too.
My dad was keen for us to have a videographer but I was dead set against it and he respected that. I don't regret the fact that we didn't have one.

I'm astonished that the videographer can take official instruction from anyone other than the bride and groom. I'd get in touch with him and explain how uncomfortable it's made you feel and encourage him to review his practises.

I don't have a suggestion of the words to expain the situation to your friend, but someone more eloquent and tactful than me will have I'm sure.

You are wrong. Utterly, demonstrably, and insensitively wrong.

The fact you don't mind having your photograph taken doesn't equate to the idea that nobody should mind having their photograph taken. Different people have different levels of comfort about this, and there is no universal 'correct' way.

Quite aside from that, there's also the betrayal of trust the poor OP suffered at the hands of their friend who went ahead and arranged the videographer. It shows a level of disrespect for both the wishes of another and a disregard for the importance of their special day. I accept the friend did it in all innocence, and genuinely believed they were doing something nice, but the result is still the same; their thoughtless action caused unnecessary stress.

Tbh this situation is SO weird I don't see how it happened - the videographer didn't check consent, the friend group all agreed to do it, the wedding party just let it happen, the church accepted it despite copyright issues.

Everyone being so completely passive seems very unlikely.

Ask your friend for the name of the videographer. You don't need to go into feelings, just one neutral question.

I understand this could be an unpopular opinion but if you get as far as receiving the video you can just bin it. I've started doing that with unwanted gifts from my mother (charity shop if poss but doesn't work for everything). It is very liberating to get the unwanted thing swiftly out from your inventory rather than shuffling it about in drawers. Marie Kondo - the gift has already done its job in being given, for good or ill. You're not morally obliged to keep it and in my experience getting rid can be very helpful.

Yeah agree
Actually I think arranging a videographer at all was really rude -given this friend had one presumably she's aware that it usually involves a lot of discussion about what you want to be focused on etc. It's a huge overstep.

Plus given most people are usually generous at weddings she has "lost" you several grand of stuff you could have actually used, and given all your friends the impression you couldn't afford a videographer.

I think you not telling her why you didn't want one in case you hurt her feelings was probably you overthinking a bit - most people would understand that everyone is different and wouldn't get offended if you'd said "nah you know what dp and I are like about photos we're barely tolerating a photographer!" Even if you didn't tell her it seems strange that you haven't mentioned the real reason why to any of your closest friends. But none of that excuses her actions.

I would be tempted to be completely honest with anyone who asks - you aren't in the wrong here, she is.

If you haven't got the videographer's contact details, get them off your friend ASAP. Call the videographer, a professional, and have a professional conversation with them - I'd say I'm sure they'd do a great job but your friend did this without your knowledge and the video is not something you want or consent to. You don't want them to waste any time so please don't edit it, just delete it. Politely recommend that they look at their consent/permissions policy going forward as you're confused as to how this even happened. I think you'll feel a bit more in control of the situation after that and you can decide how/if to relay that back to your friend.

Ah didn’t see your update OP re the videographer. In that case I would message your friend and ask for their details and don’t give any other info away yet. Then have the discussion with the videographer

It’s not that simple though. The friend rounded up all the guests to contribute to the unwanted videographer which meant they didn’t give presents (which would have been more appreciated and valued by the bride!)

Friend has massively overstepped here.

I’d be gutted!! I’m sure your friend did this out of kindness though and it meant well so I would try not to upset her. If she wants you to watch the video with her just try and brush it off say your busy will watch another time etc you might find that in 10/20 years you want to watch it out of curiosity