Unwanted videographer at my wedding

Sorry OP if it bothered you that much you would have found the 30 seconds or asked someone to tell them for you. We had a point person at our wedding so I wouldn't have to deal with the things that occur on the day and need decisions (shall we start serving now etc).

I have never known anyone to be that super bothered by a video. I think instead of deciding you were going to hate it and let it upset you and ruin your day, why didn't you just embrace it an say 'well they are here now so let's make the best of it or TELL THEM'.

It drives me nuts that people passively let things happen around them and then complain afterward. There isn't anything that can be done now - the moment to change things has gone so either accept it and move on or stay in a negative space.

I totally get why you’re upset but this is one of those things that can’t be changed now, so you’d be better off finding a way to make peace with it.

Me, I’d chuck the video in a drawer and work on trying to see the ridiculousness in the situation.

You had a nice day apart from this, so don’t focus on it. The seeds you water grow and all that. Focus on the lovely memories and laugh about the bit that went wrong.

I say this as someone who had a couple of major disasters on my wedding day.

I think it’s quite common to fixate on one thing that didn’t go right after a big event. It’s a sicky horrible feeling because you can’t fix it or change it and it’s so galling that happened despite all your planning and hard work. This is a huge one though, to have been distracted and bothered during the ceremony by a stranger doing something you definitely didn’t want. I can see why you’re so upset.

But the important things still happened, you both said your vows to each other and you still meant them just as much as you would have without the distraction. Nobody took that away from you.

If I were you I wouldn’t say anything to your friend just now while it’s still so raw because the strength of your feeling about it right now could be very hurtful to her. But later on, when you have a bit of distance from it, it would be worth telling her you wish she had checked with you or your mum about it first because you didn’t like being taken by surprise on the day when you had planned everything so carefully. Then you’re letting her know that she overstepped, without telling her exactly how much you hated it, which hopefully will mean you don’t have to keep all your feelings on it a secret but can move forward with the friendship without too much damage or resentment on either side. She definitely did overstep and needs to know.

I don't think the OP is over-reacting.
Why do you feel the need to be so dismissive?

In her shoes, I would feel compelled to say something to the 'friend', and have a serious chat with this supposedly-professional-videographer about their working practices and the issues around safeguarding and potential copyright infringement. If I didn't feel reassured that they would do a far better job in future in terms of seeking consent before filiming, I'd also be publicising their behaviour and warning people not to use their services.

And OP, I think you need to be honest with other friends about how much this upset you. Let's hope they're not all as unsympathetic as @WitchesofPainswick

@banjomonkey I'd contact your friend and tell her the situation - you specifically did not want a videographer and this has upset you a lot that one attended without your consent, so you now need her to give you the contact details for the videographer she arranged so that you can arrange for unwanted footage to be disposed of confidentially and ensure it doesn't get shared further without your consent. Her CF-ery doesn't get to trump your consent and your choices around privacy. If her feelings are hurt, tough. She should have thought of that before organising something like this without checking with you or your husband that it wouldn't be upsetting for you.

That would entail using words...
I didn´t want video of my wedding and used my words to make it crystal clear.
But the rest, is over reacting, it´s just photos, they´re not stealing your soul or anything.

I clicked you are not being unreasonable because it should have been your decision and your friend overstepped, however you may come to like the video in time. I didn’t have a video of my wedding and I now wish I had. Not to see me (that would still make me self conscious) but to be able to see those family members that have passed. There’s something very different seeing them on video rather than static. I accidentally came across a video clip of an aunt getting off a bus on YouTube recently and it was a comfort to see her I wish I had video of my dad

You are not overreacting. It's selfish of your friend to go ahead with what she wanted despite you saying you didn't want one.

I hope that one day you feel differently. We didn’t have one and twenty years later I really regret this. I’d love to be able to look back, show our children and have moving images of those who have since died.

I think I would have asked the videographer to stop filming and asked him/ her to leave.

Id be gutted about the videographer & gifts/cards

If your feeling up for it I would address it head on "I'm so oddly disappointed that my wedding plans were ignored & that a videographer was hired, it's almost like my wishes didn't count at all & my friends didn't care" then just put your phone on airplane mode & don't respond back

Well intended but way off mark!

Nightmare!

Your friend made a huge mistake, and when you told her you weren't having a videographer, she assumed that perhaps you couldn't afford one. Unfortunately, her assumption was way off the mark, and instead of probing you to find out why you weren't having one, or if you actually wanted one, she didn't. She took it upon herself to organise a videographer herself, and roped other friends into contributing to the cost. Just because she liked having a videographer, she's assumed you would too. Not everyone is comfortable with being photographed, let alone filmed!! I had a photographer and videographer at my wedding but I'll be honest, I've watched it once in the 17 years I have been married! It's something I may come to appreciate in years to come though, and perhaps that's your best way of looking at it too. Once our parents, extended family start to pass away, it's a nice momento to look back on. Your friend is more tricky, you don't want to appear ungrateful but equally she didn't ask enough questions and made a huge amount of assumptions. If you decide to say something, it is likely to be the end of your friendship, as she will view you as being ungrateful and mean. There's nothing really subtle you can say, that let's her know you weren't happy about it, and salvages the friendship. The videographer isn't to blame, he was hired by your friend to provide his services. My only gripe would be, that in the future he needs to get consent from the people he's filming, rather than the person paying the invoice. That may be the only thing you could say to him, as a recommendation going forward.

Why don’t you watch the video? Imagine if you like it?
if you don’t, just bin it?

I think it’s a very kind gesture that’s not malicious but you’re whole friendship group and family didn’t seem aware of how much you didn’t want anyone to film the wedding so it hasn’t been done to upset you.

Im sorry Op I really understand this - it was your special day and she massively overstepped and did something you didn't want that intruded on it.

However. It's been done now - in the end, you had your wedding, it was done with kind intentions and there is nothing you can do to undo it - you need to make peace with it.

I also understand how upsetting the way she controlled others gifts is but I think you have to accept everyone decided to join in - they could have said no and obviously lots of people thought it was a nice idea.

I think this is one you have to just try to laugh at so it doesn't eat you up!

Your friend massively overstepped and i think it's okay for you to tell her that. She should've come back to you and said "some of us thought we'd chip in for the videographer as you mentioned not having one – is that okay?" But she didn't. She just took it upon herself to arbitrarily dictate a huge part of your wedding day. If you don't feel you can say anything directly, what about feeding it back through the MOH/bridesmaid/best man? You don't have to be nasty – just mention how you hated being videoed during the vows because it was a horrible distraction and you wished someone had checked with you first because you would've said you really didn't want one and told your friends to save their money.

I voted you are being unreasonable.

I understand you didn’t want a videographer, I wouldn’t want one either. And I understand how intrusive it must have felt on the day, especially when the first you were aware of it was when you arrived at the church. I can also understand why you didn’t say anything at the church - blindsided by him being there, overwhelmed by the day of the wedding, about to walk into the church.

However, where I think you are being a little unreasonable now is first, that you didn’t say anything later on in the day, you must have had plenty of opportunity after the church ceremony to speak to him and say something, even a quick “we didn’t book you, where did you come from/why are you here”.
and second, that you are letting this become the focus of your memories of the day. So much else must have happened on the day that you could at least try to focus on!

This was clearly a misunderstanding from your friend. You said you weren’t having a videographer and were fine with that. You say she loved having one. She probably loved it so much she couldn’t imagine anyone not wanting one and misinterpreted your comment as perhaps your budget didn’t stretch.
If she’s otherwise a great friend and you want the friendship to continue then you cannot not bring this up. Just have a conversation, it can be as simple as “We didn’t want a videographer, it just wasn’t what we wanted, but I appreciate you were trying to do a nice thing”.

You might like it in 20 years time. When I was married 26 years ago someone offered to film it with a huge video recorder they could borrow from their uni. We said no as it wasn't common back then ,don't even think there were phones other than Nokia bricks back then. Now I really wish we'd said yes, I'd have loved to watch it especially of the family that is no longer with us.

How so? Not wishing or wanting to have photos taken is a personal choice and FWIW I hate it too! It is not a strange reaction……it is a personal choice.

I can understand not wanting pictures/videos, and the imposition of a gift you didn’t want. But I think your reaction is a bit extreme. It took you out of the moment? Did you ban other people from taking pictures, too?

I also find it a bit hard to believe that someone would just rock up to a wedding without any contact with the wedding party/organisers, and just start shooting footage.

For now, say nothing and let your feelings settle down.

If in future she asks you how you like the video, you can say something like:

“Well Sally, the best thing about the video is that you cared enough to arrange it for me. I know you did it to make me happy and you are such a dear friend to me.”

Hopefully that will be enough, but if she really pushes it and you feel you have to set the record straight you can continue:

”It’s really hard for me to say this because I know you did it out of love, but Husband & I actually didn’t want a videographer at my wedding and so I’m just coming to terms with the fact that it happened and I’m not ready to watch the video yet. But I do know that it came from the best of intentions, and I love you for that”.

I'm with you OP. We didn't have a photographer or video person at our wedding, we just asked a friend who was a good amateur photographer to take some snaps.

We specifically requested (politely!) on our invites that no one videod it. This was back in the day pre digital photography and I'd been to several weddings where guests were barging other guests out of the way to get video shots of the happy couple.

31 years later I still have no regrets that there's no video of our wedding.

My sister did have hers professionally photographed and a friend of hers videod it. I asked her a few years ago if she'd ever shown her (then teenage) children the video and she said she hadn't a clue where the video was and she had no means of playing it anyway as it was on VHS.

Why was it necessary for anyone to pay a huge sum for a video of their wedding. In this day and age it is simple enough for a family member to do. The whole thing sounds mad. So sorry that this ridiculous friend persuaded your guests to agree to such a thing.

You can’t turn back the clock and what’s done is done. I wouldn’t give this any more headspace - you can’t change it.

It sounds like you are suffering from ‘post wedding blues’ which is v common. It’s common for brides to feel sad or emotional letdown after the wedding day. Despite best planning, weddings rarely go exactly as imagined, if things didn’t feel as perfect as hoped, that can create disappointment or sadness afterward.

I’m sure your friend didn’t do this out of spite or to upset you. Tell her how you feel (friends should be able to do this) and move on from it.