Unwanted videographer at my wedding

I’ve just read the other posts and can see I’m in a minority here 😬😅
I genuinely wouldn’t want to ruin friendships over this though as I’m sure it was done with love (and stupidity) on their part x

Imagine it!! Surprise! I had him video the live birth of our twins and stream it online, thought you would like the same !

SMILE

I wouldn’t lie. I’d probably say something like it was really kind of everybody to do it but you would rather not have had one there. It was a nice idea but that it made you a bit uncomfortable and unable to act naturally.

Although I can’t believe none of the other friends that put towards it didn’t give you a heads up when they found out about it. I wonder if she made it sound like she’d ok’d it with you first.

They say you can gage how much something actually matters by visualising how important it will be at the end of your life. So in the last moments of your life, when the end is near, is this even going to figure in your mind? Or will there be far far bigger things to be upset about? Ultimately it just doesn’t matter as much as you think it does. Nothing does.

Did none of the guests that contribute to the videographer know how against this you were? If you’d have told me this and then I was asked to contribute to one I would have refused and discouraged them from doing it.

I don’t blame you for feeling this way, it’s a massive imposition IMO. Having said that, there’s not much you can do about it now. I’d like to think in your situation I would have said something at the time and asked the videographer to leave but walking down the aisle isn’t really the time or place to feel comfortable doing this! Did the groom not notice him before you got there and if so, that would have been the time to ask him to leave

I think it was an incredibly intrusive thing for your friend to do and she massively overstepped. I'd say that she (and anyone else who can't understand why you are upset) is completely self absorbed. Why would anyone think that just because they had a videographer at their wedding another person would want the same?
Weddings are made up of personal choices your dress, your venue, your catering, your guests. Would people think it was OK if she'd interfered in any of those choices and changed them without consulting you? If you'd wanted a videographer you'd have arranged one, not left it to the chance that someone might randomly take it upon themselves to organize one for you. As for getting your other guests to pay for it instead of gifts - words fail me.

I would definitely say something to her, firstly she didn't consider whether she might upset you with her actions so don't be too shy about upsetting her, and secondly she may decide to do the same thing to someone else and upset them. She needs to reflect that not everyones choices are the same as hers.

'I know your intentions were good Sarah, but I didn't want a videographer, that's why I didn't hire one, going forward I suggest that if you want to do this for someone you consult them first so you don't cause upset'

If you don't say something, be ready for a stranger with a videocam to burst in when you are giving birth (for example).

I completely understand your reaction OP, I am sorry it spoiled it for you. Tell your friend (or the videographer if you have their contact details) that you do not want a copy of the video and you do not want anyone else to get a copy of it either. I am not sure she actually had the right to have you filmed without your permission at a private event.
Having said that I think I would have found time to get someone to tell them to stop videoing you as soon as you could.

She shouldn't have done it, but it's a ridiculous thing to get this worked up about.

A total overstep by your friend on your wedding day. That is really disgraceful cheek to upset your wedding day like that.

When I was getting married, I was just about to walk into the church with my dad, 2 girls I don’t know very well jumped out called my name and frightened the life out of me just as I was about to walk up the aisle. I was so annoyed at them for years afterwards but I did forget it and just remembering it now for this thread, has made me laugh. Maybe I took it a bit too seriously and we were all very young.

I hope you can laugh at this in time too, but I think you need to say or do something to put this right. She way way overstepped and should not have gathered money from others or invited someone to your wedding without your consent.
That was very bad behaviour on her part. Even if she is great at other times. What she did on that one day was really appalling.

I think the fact that the intent was good doesn't change the fact that the friend was completely out of order. It's not okay to change something about someone else's wedding, and I suspect if she got lots of friends onside to pay for it, she wasn't accurate in what she told them. She must have told them you really wanted it but couldn't afford it, as otherwise surely other friends would have piped up that it wasn't a good idea. Do you have a good friend in the group you could chat to, to get a picture of what happened? Then I'd definitely speak to the friend and let her know the impact of her actions so she doesn't do something like that again. I'd also get the details of the videographer and have the conversations already suggested - basically how did they agree to video a wedding where they didn't speak to the bride or groom? The whole thing has so many red flags over it, I wouldn't be surprised if the friend was a little bit deceitful or omitted key information to get this to happen.

I agree with this. All the women upset about a bridesmaid wearing the wrong shoes or guests not sticking to the dress code get massive support here on MN and I find it difficult to understand why everyone should suddenly be telling this OP that she's got herself into a state over nothing.

I am one of those people who seem to be designed not to photograph well and I'm self-conscious and uncomfortable when I know I'm being filmed. I entirely understand why the OP wouldn't want her important day blighted by someone with a video camera. Why are so many people here ignoring her discomfort?

So many people here seem to be prioritising the sacred but unwanted wedding video over the bride and groom's preference. I'd be absolutely furious, OP, and I'd want to tell the friend exactly how I felt. It's not acceptable for one person to tell another adult that their preferences are wrong and must be overridden.

From what you have said, this sounds like a very recent event. It was a very intrusive thing to do without checking with you / your DH / your Mum first. And I don't think you're over-reacting and it's wrong people are saying this to you. You feel what you feel and it's perfectly right for you to feel as you do.

Some people just freeze when something unexpected happens. Other react by running away or tackling the issue head on - the cliché of fight / flight / freeze. You 'froze' so to speak - didn't challenge what was going on - perfectly understandable reaction. It's not being passive as such as there's a reaction - it's internal to the individual, and not necessarily noticeable to onlookers.

So at some stage your friend who arranged the videographer or other friends will ask about it. You therefore need some words ready - so you don't freeze again. And I think you need to and can be honest.

How about ...
I wish you had checked with me before you went to all that trouble. We were umming and arh-ing about a photographer as neither of us like being photographed let alone filmed. Please don't ever do that to anyone without checking with them first. Please ask the videographer to delete the footage / Please don't show it to anyone.

Yes, I do agree with you @Itallcomesdowntothis
I would have been beyond furious if someone had interfered like this at my wedding, but there’s absolutely no way I would have put up with it. No matter how disruptive it may have been, I would have sent the video man on his way the second I saw him and realised what he was doing.

It's done now so I would try and reframe it. You say your friend is lovely so let's give her the benefit of the doubt. It was something she loved and valued at her wedding and she wanted you to have the same wonderful experience, it doesn't sound like she had selfish motives so even though it overstepped and wildly missed the mark, it was meant well and done with love. How wonderful to have such close friends who would spend that much on you.

Personal question but are you thinking about kids? I would love to have a video of my parents wedding, seeing my aunts and uncles and grandparents on what was a very happy day. Could you think of it as not a present for you that you'll ever watch but it's a present for your future children?

She was wrong 100% but it's done. You have an amazing husband, great friends and now, at the very back of a dusty drawer, a secret and unwanted wedding video. Don't let it overshadow the day.

It’s sad that you feel like this and so annoying for you.
im guessing that you don’t want to say anything about this now - as you would have already done this on the day and said pls can you move away and not film.
Therefore you’re stuck with it.
I'm also guessing you don’t want to lose your friends. So absolutely not worth saying anything.

Therefore you have to reframe it in some way. Have a rant on here, a little cry and then try and think of it as something your kids may want to see in 10 years.
Who knows how youlll feel in the future? I know my parents (82 and married for 62 years) would bloody love a film of their day now but would have hated it for ages after the event.
Try and reframe your perception of it - nothing can be changed other than your attitude of how you view the film and its impact on the day.
Im sure it was a gorgeous day - concentrate on that, and congrats on your wedding @banjomonkey xx

This many times over

The posters that are insisting that the OP will like it in the future are as bad as the CF friend

I think it’s worth trying to put this into perspective.

Your friend really thought she was doing something kind and thoughtful but clealry she got it very wrong. I doubt she did it to upset you, and I suspect she'd be absolutely mortified if she realised how you feel.

You’ve said your wedding was lovely and you were really happy with it, apart from this one thing. Is there a way you can reframe how you think about the day by focusing on all the moments that were still special and meaningful, rather than this one negative element? if it was meant in malice Id understand you dwelling on it, but it's actually a sign that your friends care.. even if they don't get it right sometimes.
You and DH might not like looking at yourselves in photos/videos but they clearly think you should.

As for the joint contribution, if you’re genuinely not too bothered about what they gave, maybe it’s best to let them think they helped organise a nice gift. It wasn’t a waste of money in their eyes, and keeping it that way might save further awkwardness.

If you did decide to tell your friend how you feel, it might give you a bit of relief in the short term, but it probably won’t change anything. And there's a good chance you'd end up feeling bad. She and the others might be hurt or defensive, and misunderstand your intentions. I do feel for you, as it's a tricky one.

You did say you had the day you wanted in so many other ways, and while having a videographer unexpectedly bobbing around during the ceremony is intrusive and annoying, they weren’t a constant presence, and didn’t derail the whole day by the sound of it.

If you have children, they’ll love seeing that footage of their parents tying the knot. I love watching my parents wedding video. Especially since my Dad died.
As awful as it might feel right now, if it were me, I’d probably bite the bullet and watch the video with as open a mind as possible. Without your friends. Perhaps request that you and DH want to watch it together to head them off. You might be surprised, it might help you see the day was really how you wanted it anyway.
She might have been a bit misguided, but it came from a place of kindness, not from being a CF.

😂😂😂

That's lovely for you (and similarly for all the other people who are glad they have their wedding video). But it was your choice for your wedding. The OP made her choice for her wedding and that choice was not to have it filmed. Someone else then just decided they knew better than she did what was best for her, and then not only went against her wishes but also roped other guests into paying for it. That was incredibly pushy and intrusive of her.

I'm a photographer and there's no way I'd ever do a wedding without the bride and groom's knowledge, regardless of how well meant the gesture was from a friend or relative. Videographer needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

Also extremely weird that a) your friend would think this is a good idea, and b) not one of the others who contributed could see it was a bad idea and put a stop to it.

Odd behaviour all round.

I would have stopped them before I entered the church.

’I don’t care who hired you, it’s my wedding and I don’t want you filming. Please leave NOW!’

I would never talk to the friend again after I told her what you have just written.

I'd let it go. Yes, the friend was absolutely wrong to organise this without finding out if you wanted the ceremony videoed, and roping in other guests to help pay. However, in years to come you may come to appreciate it as your memories of the day start to fade. I'm assuming the videographer captured guests as well as you and DH? It's my 35 year anniversary in a few days. Won't be celebrating as DH died last year at the age of 59. I love looking at the video now with him in it, and older loved ones who have since passed. It brings back happy memories. My kids also love watching their mum and dad's wedding and seeing other relatives. You were right to be pissed at the gesture, but it's not worth hanging on to that emotion.

The over-reaction is the fixation about a thing that has spoiled a day (that hasn't really!). I admit I have been to various weddings where PROPER things have gone wrong (I think the peak was an elderly Aunt vomiting on the top table and then dropping dead from a heart attack).

I totally agree that this is a very odd GDPR decision from the videographer AND the friends - and I can't understand why people didn't question it when your friend suggested it. I can't imagine going along with this sort of madcap plan. I think it's a weird thing for the friend/s to have done. But it IS done, and can't be undone.

I wouldn't want a friend like this, who thinks she is perfectly entitled to take over important events in your life because SHE thinks she knows best.

If you don't tell her she may rock up at the birth of your first child with a camera pointed at your vagina because she did the same and found it magical to watch.

I don't care how nice she seems to be she's crossed a massive line and I'd be furious.

Your friend massively over stepped her boundaries. How you plan your wedding is for you and your DH alone. I don’t care if she got upset I would be telling her exactly how she made you feel on your wedding day, a day that no one can take back

And I would be putting a review on the videographers website when you get the details (surely you will get the video from the CF friend at some point and it will have them then)

I get that it’s a busy day but I would have been asking my parents to tell him to leave while you were talking to your guests. And to be honest I would have probably asked the friend to leave to

It’s not an over reaction to be unhappy that someone thought they could over rule you on your wedding day