Unwanted videographer at my wedding

I echo everything everyone has said.

I also think videographers are pointless and once went to a wedding where a couple forwarded theirs on to us afterwards. It was 45 minutes long! I wasn’t watching that. Maybe if if was 3 mins tops.

If you really don’t want to talk to her about it I was just ask her the details of the videographer and say you have some questions for him. Then I would address it head on with the videographer and make sure he doesn’t send it to anyone else.

Yup all these "put it behind you" and "you will be thankful later" posts are pissing me off. I can only presume it's them projecting their own unwillingness to confront their friends (which isn't easy but needs to be done at times) or that they are similar when it comes to gift giving; not considering the recipient and expecting a thank you regardless.

Ugh, it's horrible when people disregard your wishes, especially for such a significant occasion.

I'm a massive introvert and when my now (and still, surprisingly) DH was booking the cars I was clear that I wanted the bog standard plain white Merc. On the day what rolls up outside our flat in a rather dodgy area but a massive vintage Rolls-Royce. A small crowd soon gathered and (amid cheers and clapping from the onlookers) I ushered my MOH and mum out the door and into the car and told the poor bewildered driver to get going. He was trying to assure me we had plenty time, the venue was only 10 minutes away, but I may actually have shouted "Go, go"! 😅

We drove around in circles for around half an hour just to make sure the groom got there before us. I HAD WORDS later and if I'm honest I still have a chip on my shoulder about it and may even be known to bring it up if drunk.

As we came out of the church, unbeknownst to me, another relative had organised a piper and I almost shat myself when the skirl started up which drew the attention of a bus load of tourists (very scenic church), I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

I said nothing about the piper as it was a genuine gesture if not one I'd have chosen but the car seriously pissed me off as he KNEW I didn't want a fancy car.

I think OP, those suggesting you contact the videographer direct to advise they check the correct permissions etc in future have it right, then forget about it. If it gets back to your friend so be it. If she confronts you I would probably go along the lines of "I appreciate you had good intentions and I'm sorry if you misunderstood but I was clear that I didn't want my wedding video'd. I don't want this to spoil our friendship so I'd rather we moved on". If she insists on arguing I would just shut down any further discussion and change the subject.

This is on her, not you.

You're not overreacting. You are underreacting, if anything.

People plan their weddings in meticulous detail, and other people should know this and not interfere. Your friend was massively out of order, and way out of line.

I would be fuming. Who organises a surprise videographer for a wedding they didn't even plan?? Unless you had said you desperately wanted one but couldn't afford it there was no reason to assume this was a good gift idea. Your friend wasn't that thoughtful; she chose a gift idea based on what SHE would want.

And yes the gift list matters. IDGAF about pretending they don't matter because yes they do. You clearly stated what you wanted and your friend(s) ignored all that to pay for a videographer. I'm sorry but this was just senseless.

I would find it hard to confront this too but I don't think you should have to pretend to be happy about this. I think you can tell them you know they meant well but you didn't want a videographer at the wedding and be open that you feel torn because you don't want to upset them but you also want to be honest.

Massive overstep on friends behalf
Sorry its muddied your feelings of the day

I had a video grapher it's never watched other than when I miss my Gran who looks so happy in it

If you dare to watch the film you will see the fun everyone was having and how happy they are to see you get married. There will be things filmed that you didn't notice on the day and you might be thrilled to see them.

your wedding

your rules

end of story

OP i'm sad and angry for you! I absolutely hate the way i look to the point i haven't even taken a selfie in over 4 years, and not a single photo has ever been taken of me and my fiancee in the over 4 1/2 years we've been together, at my insistence. I will not be having a photographer at my wedding. (Engaged but no date as circumstances dont allow for the foreseeable) I will allow my dad who has been a hobby photographer for over 40 years to take some specific pictures like stood at the altar and signing the certificate, and i absolutely want a father daughter picture, because i know he will respect my feelings and i'll have total control over the images afterwards and veto power to delete or edit any i choose. Partner and myself have autism and don't do crowds or attention so it will be registry office, just my dad and sister as my guests and his mum, dad and son as his, probably not even inviting his 2 half siblings. No after party, maybe a meal but probably just the service to be honest. Neither of us like being out of the house long so even the service will be pushing comfort zones. I will definitely be requesting no videos or photos taken by other guests, and would be really put off and uncomfortable if i saw someones phone in the air videoing or flash going taking pictures. It is going to hurt massively that my late mum won't be there, never mind having her glaringly obviously missing from photos. The best reminders will be my memories, not photos where i'm immediately upset by hating how i look. Knowing my mother in law the way i do, i know she will almost certainly still try taking her own pictures, shes not great at respecting boundaries. She isn't malicious and wouldn't be intentionally upsetting or making me uncomfortable, but she'd very much take the opinion i was being silly feeling that way and want the pictures for her own personal use even if never shared.

It was you and your husbands day, nothing should have been done against your wishes. Your friend wouldn't dream of altering your venue, flowers, decor, guest list, menu, DJ etc, and to me adding in a videographer is on par with those examples. It's a decision that should never have been entertained by the videographer without getting your express permission as the couple whose event it was. Friend being the one paying does not override the fact it was not her event they were videoing, very poor professionalism, and deserving of factual reviews everywhere should you find out their details.

Can people please stop telling @banjomonkey that she is overreacting and should just accept it for what it was? What it was, was huge overreach by her friend. She had been told that there wasn't to be a videographer and decided that she would organise one anyway!
I'd have been gutted because I absolutely hate the way I look on film. I also wouldn't have wanted somebody there filming me. Also, the complete lack of presents would have been annoying too.
Stop minimising the bad behaviour.

What a strange comment

So if OP said she didnt want a chocolate cake and her "friend" decided to set one up at the reception, would you say the same? "You have a strange reaction to chocolate cake"

Or an extra flower girl shows up as "friend" decided her daughter should be part of the ceremony "you have a strange reaction to flower girls"??

Her wedding, her choice

This is a really difficult one, OP.

You and your husband aren't being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

On the other hand, there was clearly no malice intended. Your friend thought she was doing a lovely thing, and didn't know that it was the opposite of what you wanted.

What I would say is, don't destroy the video. You don't have to watch it, but I would keep it somewhere safe so that it can be viewed in the future. Even if you're sure you'll never change your mind and want to watch it, perhaps one day your children or even grandchildren will want to watch it.

We recently found some very old videos from the 1990s, including some footage from my auntie's wedding. Being able to watch my long dead grandad's father of the bride speech brought a tear to my eye.

She shouldn't need to explain herself, "I don't want one" should be sufficient for anyone who has decent boundaries. OP has already said she wasn't emphatic about not wanting one with her friend because she didn't want to offend her friend who did have one. You are making it the OP's fault that her friend did something massively over-stepping her boundaries. Photography/videography at a wedding is a fundamental part of the organisation of the event. If you are not the designated event organiser or the bride or groom, you have zero right to organie something like this as a guest, no more than you'd have the right to turn up with your own choice of flowers or a wedding cake.

ETA, you edited your post after I started replying. It's all very well to say the videographer could have been politely sent away. The OP was blindsided. Avoiding making a scene just before she walks down the aisle and while she's making her vows isn't a failing on her part.

I think it's clear she meant well and probably thought it would be a lovely surprise, but if it goes so against what you feel comfortable with then I can understand why you're upset. How did you respond on the day (or afterwards) when you found out what had happened? - I'm assuming you felt compelled to thank her in some way? In which case unless you're a very good actress she may already have some idea that it wasn't entirely welcome.

I don't think I'd be able to let it lie entirely so would probably contact her, but would try and do it in as nice a way as possible, along the lines of, "I feel really bad bringing this up as it's awkward for both of us and I know your intentions were good, but I did want to let you know that I really didn't want a videographer at my wedding. Maybe I should have made this clearer, but it wasn't a decision I made because of expense, I am just uncomfortable with being filmed. I wish you had spoken to me about it beforehand as it's a shame that you and the others spent money on this when it wasn't something I wanted. There's nothing that can be done now I realise but I thought I should let you know." In a way it serves no purpose because as you rightly say, she can't exactly undo it, but I think I'd want an apology or at least a bit of remorse that she hadn't checked first. Imagine if she now thinks you love surprises and ambushes you again in some way in future!

I would have zero qualms telling friend how out of line she is to not only book this, but to then gather payment for it, thus reducing the experience and joy of opening wedding gifts. ( I know it's not a given, but most folk give gifts)

I CANNOT stand people like your friend. This was all about her projecting her likes and tastes onto you.

Who does something like this unless they are absolutely sure the recipient is on board and consents to being videod, ffs!!

I get it OP, she tarnished the memory of your wedding day and reduced part of the whole 'getting married' experience. I wouldn't see her in same light again.

No, it's not. You have absolutely no idea how uncomfortable and self-conscious and miserable those of us who don't photograph well feel when the cameras come out.

She must have thought that it was a cost you couldnt include and because she loved having one then she thought it would be the best present ever to arrange this for tou.
If you try and think of it from her shoes, it came from the heart, took a lot of organising and a lot of love went into arranging this for you
For that reason I think you should cherish the video, the amount of work, effort and coordination by your friend and multiple others that contributed to it, you should look at the video as a declaration of love and a symbol of how many people care that much to arrange and pay for it for you. Dont jusy think of it as a video of you. Its not, its a video of everyone you love and who loves you.
Therefore, change your mindset on the video, cherish it for what it is and think about future generations who will no doubt cherish and watch it too.
You will have video footage of family members who may not be with you in years to come, and you can watch it back in 20 years and remember the happy day, the love from your friend to organise it, live from friends who paid for it and get to see them all and your family enjoying your day together .

I think instead of just saying you weren't having one you should have said why. If it was that important to you not to have one you could have politely sent them away at the wedding too. It was rude of friend imo but could have been stopped on the day too.

I think it was very well meaning of her, but she actually railroaded your wedding plans and unless she was your maid of honor and expected to do this kind of thing, I think she over-stepped.

I paid for a band to play at my cousin's wedding, but I checked with her first if this was something she wanted and it was.

You are not overreacting at all, that is completely overstepping the mark. No one should be involving themselves in the organisation of someone's wedding like that. Totally inappropriate. I too would hate to be filmed.

Honestly madness like this is why we eloped. Never regretted it even for a second

Exactly. And all the people saying 'Oh, it didn't really affect your day' are just completely dismissing how the OP felt about her own wedding.

I'm not particularly shy about being filmed in general; I've been on video and done TV interviews loads of times for work in the past and it doesn't bother me. But I really, really wouldn't want a videographer at my wedding, for numerous reasons, and if someone a) decided I was wrong about my own wedding choices and that they knew better than me and b) badgered other guests into ignoring our wedding list of items that we actually wanted in favour of making them pay for something we actively didn't want, I would be utterly fucking furious.

I bet the OP's friend is one of those people who organises surprise birthday parties for people who have made it clear they actively hate parties, just because they can't accept that some people really just don't want a fuss and are convinced that everyone must enjoy the same things they do.

I get this OP. One of my relatives took it upon themselves to video our wedding, when I specifically didn’t want it. I have never watched it. Fortunately it wasn’t intrusive on the day. I would be livid in your shoes. I hope you are able to find a way to talk to her about it.

@banjomonkey Given the GDPR issue that would have red flagged any professional photographer/videographer worth his/her salt; do you think your friend is a friend of this videographer who wanted a paid gig/some experience under his belt and that you and your friends who chipped in have been used for someone's business development or a bit of cash in hand work?

Actually, the more I think about it, the organising friend must have been deceitful to the other friends. If one of my pals was getting married and another one got us all to put in for a surprise videographer I'd have asked if they were sure that was what the bride wanted, was the bride involved, had she been asked to do it, was she sure a surprise is what the bride wanted, etc. I'd have been very wary of anything like that, I'd say most people would.

I would complain to the videographer/leave them a bad review. They should not be accepting wedding jobs where they haven't talked to the bride or groom.

I would be so mad if a friend did this to me and would definitely let them know it was out of line.