Unwanted videographer at my wedding

I can't believe how sanctimonious some of these comments are! Of COURSE you have every right to be pissed off and upset and it ruined your wedding day. I would be just as upset.

Oh, it was kind-hearted and not done with malice - it was bulldozing and totally overreaching. That's not kind. That's like saying that the little kid pulling your hair repeatedly is only doing it out of love. Nope. They need to be told not to do that.

You should have told her why you hadn't booked a videographer and then it would have avoided all this - what?? Do you have a crystal ball that someone would do something like this that is so alien to normal behaviour? Taking that theory onwards, then why didn't the 'friend' ask why she hadn't booked a videographer before bloody booking one!!! Or even check in with the Mum as they know each other well??

Presents shouldn't matter, it's the marriage - of course it is. But money spent erroneously by people who would have presumed that this was something the bride actually wanted becase they trusted the friend? That's deceit. Fraud. Frustrating.

You should have told him to go - are you having a laugh? She's been blindsided as she walked in the church. She has this guy in her eyeline during her actual vows. Are you really saying she should have stopped the wedding and told him to move? She has no idea who he is, who booked him, why he's there, what this is all about. She doesn't have headspace or physical opportunity to hunt someone down. She is trying to make the best of her day and not have a row or make a scene. You can read her words about not wanting to upset her friend by mentioining it now. What on earth makes you think her personality will have had a total transplant for 5 mins in the middle of her ACTUAL FUCKING WEDDING to be rude to a stranger and potentially upset a friend or family or whoever blindsided her?

Stop victim blaming. The friend is all kinds of wrong. Intention does not overried harm. The videographer is also all kinds of wrong. They may have been wooed by an ex client getting excited about a surprise but they should not have moved forward without explicit consent. They should also have introduced themselves after the ceremony and then givne the bride and groom the opportunity to quietly say no to any more.

Your friend was way out of line. You don't just do something like that as a Lovely Surprise. You just don't.

Now that is one wedding video that I would be happy to watch.

Telling someone to feel confident to stating their true feelings isn't "squeezing drama out of a situation". It's encouraging them not to keep things bottled inside, which is actually a more likely trigger to mental health reasons down the line. Being open and honest isn't easy but it is how emotionally healthy relationships work. Not surprised you see this as drama because as this forum regularly exposes, many people are conditioned towards unhealthy patterns of communication in the name of "keeping the peace".

I would put it away somewhere safe , in 40 years time you will probably find it funny and nostalgic .

I want to start by saying I COMPLETELY get your feelings on this. I hate being videoed and this would have been a nightmare for me and I voted YANBU.

However, with everything you've said, I think you're going to have to pack it away and forget about it. If you have no interest in watching the video, then either dispose of it or put it away with your memory bits. The friend clearly wasn't being malicious at all and so I think you have to hold onto this bit. If the most you said was "we aren't having one" and didn't elaborate on why (which is a totally normal response btw, you had no reason to elaborate), she has just thought she'd love to gift you something that she herself loved. Other friends must also have thought you'd love it too or would've been unlikely to contribute/spoken up and said @banjomonkey won't want that.

Ultimately your wedding was a really special day and the start of your married life together and you were surrounded by people who loved you and thought they were making a kind gesture to help you remember your wedding by. Try and hold onto that rather than the hurt.

Meant to click yanbu x

I’d have hated that. I’d have been inclined to speak to him politely and ask him to leave. It was your wedding day. You had a choice of pleasing your friend or yourselves. You chose your friend.

We had a videographer back in the day but we were pretty firm in our instructions that there was to be no filming whatsoever in the church and that he was to be unobtrusive, even at the cost of limited footage. (We also told the photographer when we’d had enough. And the band that they were background music and not the main act as we wanted our aunties to be able to chat comfortably in the venue rather than having to shout at each other or leave. ) It’s easy to be assertive without being aggressive or apologetic as you age.

I would have stopped him to ask if he was at the right wedding? That would be my first thought.
Instead of letting him carry on.

We had family members saying they wanted to pay for our photographer, I shut them down straight away saying sorry we don't want one but thanks for the thought.
They were a bit disgruntled because they love having photos done but we are totally the opposite.

I would have felt the same. Luckily, my vicar had strict rules about no photography or videography during services. It is a sacred event. Not a Hollywood moment. I am sufficiently forthright that I would have sent the videographer away when I arrived at the church, without knowing anything about who booked them. That probably would have had rather worse impacts. I’m sorry you then didn’t get your traditional wedding list presents to prepare you for married life. I think the whole thing is a great shame, but you are going to have to live with it. In time the hurt will fade.

Hopefully this thread will serve as a reminder to future wedding guests to communicate clearly in advance with the bride and groom if they are proposing anything like this as a gift.

The videographer should also have sought consent in advance from the couple getting married. It is common sense and a breach of good practice not to.

I agree she has every right to be upset.
My initial thought was she should say something to her friend so that it could be aired and apologies made. Then I thought of how divided people are about this and how she could potentially lose friends or create an even bigger drama or upset over doing that.
It's happened, and unfortunately there's naff all she can do to make it or herself feel better, so what's the point of making things worse.
In time she'll likely forget it and remember all the other, more important bits from the day, hopefully.
She just needs to air her thoughts on here, get some validation and try to move past it if she can, as the other options would be the opposite to that.
In future if there is a chance that a boundary may be crossed again like this then she will be more wary I suppose, and take stronger steps to make sure people dont f up like that again.

She overstepped.

Now that it happened, however, keep in mind that life is long (or short!) and unpredictable and you might yet end up appreciating this material down the years.

I hated some of the photos from early newborn days, long story that, but as you grow older, insecurities change, sensibilities change, circumstances change and memories gain importance. I am now on balance glad I have them.

It’s a stupid thing to do. Not sure why your friends didn’t think this through. I am sorry this happened. But it’s done and there’s nothing can be done to change it. Unless you want an apology from them all but not sure what that would accomplish? So you can let it ruin things and continue to upset you or you can reframe it in your mind and move on. This is down to your own mindset but it is possible. Hopefully that gets easier with time.

Someone ruining their friend's wedding day is hilarious to you?

I got married over 30 years ago on a budget. DH’s family were really into taking home videos so I expressly said I didn’t want any videos taken to his side which is far larger than my own. I turn up at the Church and here’s MY uncle waving his video camera in my face. I must have had a face like thunder because he said ‘what’s the matter, don’t you want your photie taken?’ I replied with ‘No. Piss off!’ Here endeth the Mr & Mrs Pingu wedding video (still married BTW!). So I get it and I’m sorry this happened.

Oh no! That’s really awful. I’m sorry. This friend clearly got it spectacularly wrong but sounds like she really meant to do something nice, which makes it even worse really. No advice but so sorry this happened.

I feel your pain, OP, and I think you are justified. She crossed a line and she shouldn't have done it. I had something sort of similar happen at my own wedding. A friend of DH's who fancied herself as something of a photographer took it upon herself to take a lot of unwanted photos, have them all developed, put an album together and then ask for several hundred pounds to cover her costs. The photos included a lot of her with my DH and as I recall, 2 of me. It was really weird. DH is still friends with her and still sees her occasionally, but I'm not involved in that friendship and TBH I wish he wasn't either, especially given that everyone knew she had a massive thing for him when we were at uni. And he's twitchy over the friendship, too, I suspect because he knows deep down that he should probably have stepped away from it.

What I will say is that a lot of people seem to lose their heads over a wedding. We all know about bridezillas, but it extends far beyond that. Weddings bring out the worst in anyone with a degree of emotional immaturity. Honestly, as a guest, all you have to do is turn up in a reasonably smart outfit, smile, and keep your mouth shut.

It feels horrendous now, which is understandable, but in time it won't feel so bad, and you'll be able to cope with it better. You're in the post wedding day phase which can be a really emotionally difficult time after all the months of anticipation and stress. But it will be OK. You don't have to watch the video, you don't have to like it, you don't ever have to think she did you some sort of favour, and your friendship will be different going forward, but it will be ok. x.

I would have no interest in the video, would have no interest in wedding presents or not because of thr video it would have been announced pfr about 30 seconds then moved on i have no issues in anyone having a problem with this but it certainly would not have ruined my entire wedding over it

And this climbing over each other to see how muxh drama people can squeeze out of a situation is why I think these days mental health issues is going into overdrive

Your last sentence echoes what I was thinking.
I go along with the comments that suggest your friend did this with the best of intentions - but it was still over-stepping.
In your opening post you say that you simply told your friend you weren't having a videographer.
Had I been your friend, I wouldn't have known from that that you were totally and utterly against having one, and/or I may have thought it was because of the expense.
You then go on to say you should have made it clear that it was important to you not to have one.
I think that would have stopped your friend in her tracks, (well I hope it would!). You didn't make it clear how strongly you felt, but to be fair you weren't to know that either!

Nonsense. The friend got it wrong but it wasn't intentionally malicious etc. Plus OP says in her OP that she wasn't adamant to her friend about not wanting one. Friend probably thought she was doing a nice thing. It's not something to throw a friendship away over.

Would that be 'strange reaction' as in 'reaction you can't personally understand'? 🙄

If you're not able to empathise with perspectives other than your own, the least you could do is accept different things matter to different people and none of it makes anyone 'strange'. There are all sorts of reasons people might not want a video (not 'photos', which OP did have) of their wedding.

Personally I think you're being 'strange' in posting with such a lack of understanding that people are different.

I think this is an enormous overstep by your friend, and I’m so sorry this happened.

Both in terms of the intrusion on the day and the “rallying the masses” as a pp put it to contribute to this.

I would find it very hard to thank people for the gift and not to say how I was feeling. The difficulty I sometimes have with unwanted presents is I hate the idea of people having wasted their money!

Have you seen any of your friends since the wedding or spoken to them? Is the video meant to be sent directly to you or the friend? I wouldn’t put it past her to organise a video viewing party with all your mates. You need to speak to her asap. Why are you worried about hurting her feelings? She certainly wasn’t worried about yours on one of the most important days of your life. She was totally out of order.

I totally understand what your saying
But
When your in your 90s and your forgetting everything,how lovely will it be to remember this day .
I'd put it away somewhere safe untill your much older ,and one day ,you may be glad to watch it and remember