Unwanted videographer at my wedding

you are NOT overreacting here, I'd have hated it too, I'd have felt self conscious and under pressure knowing it was being filmed and looked at later, and as a surprise is even WORSE as you didn't get chance to get used to the idea and would have felt distracted by it.

Why on earth do people do surprise things at weddings like this? It is really inappropriate, wedding are so personal and the Bride & Groom want to hand pick everything they want/don't want!

Did you happen to give the impression to your friend when she was talking about videographers that you weren't having one because of the cost, to spare her feelings etc, or did you tell her that you hated the idea of it, if you made out it was a cost factor, then she has actually done something really nice and it was your mistake not being clear.

But rallying everyone else to pay for it instead of giving you a gift/money is taking the piss to be honest.

Oh that would be awful. You’re right, nothing you can do now but vent on here. Vent away!

That's such a weird thing for your friend to do. What other "surprises" does she like to spring on people on their wedding day? Replacing all their flowers with her choice of flowers? Adding a few extra bridesmaids because she had more than them? Going to the caterers and changing the menu? Hiring new entertainers to liven up the reception?

It's really inappropriate, people get to plan their own weddings!

Massive sympathies, OP. I understand entirely how you feel.

Erm no way. I loathe being on video and would be furious if someone did this without checking surreptitiously with someone, anyone if I actually wanted this at one of the most important days in my life.

Ignore everyone saying you were wrong, OP. They are. I'd have had to tell them to go away if I felt that strongly about it. I never really understand why people have to feign gratitude for things others foist on them.

Get the video. Make sure there are no copies and put it away somewhere/destroy it.

no, not to me it wouldn't. It would remind me that a "friend" screwed up my wedding day

It's weird that none of your other friends questioned this. I hate being photographed and videoed too. Also how insulting that she assumed you couldn't organise or afford one for yourself. I would honestly ditch that friend, she has no respect for you.

I think it was wrong of your friends to organise this as well, and I can quite understand you not wanting to be videoed. So I understand your upset, but since the thing is done, you just have to learn to accept it. I wouldn't fall put with otherwise lovely friends over this. Quietly put the video away, don't watch it, and in a few years you can dump it, no offence caused to the givers. I've never had a friend ask to see the wedding gift they gave me or ask if I used it, so hopefully, as time goes on, your friends won't mention the video.

Just another thought: over 30 years ago, I got married and it was videoed. We have not watched the video for about 29 years because there were various aspects of the wedding that did not go to plan and it would upset/annoy me to have to see those things again. In all honesty, I would have destroyed the video years ago except - and this is the only thing I wonder might make you feel differently about your video - I realise there are people dear to me, now dead, in my video and maybe one day I would like to watch them again. Maybe something for you to think about?

In 20 years when half the people at that wedding are dead and gone, that video will be source of comfort and delight.

OMG yes......"it came from a place of love" "they meant well" "they did what they thought was best" "You may have said something that made them think it was what you wanted" It seemed the best thing for everybody/the best thing to do" All of those things mean "they royally screwed up and don't want to admit it"

Something similar happened at my wedding. 25 years later and I still haven't watched it. I really, really hate seeing myself on video and I'm not that keen on having pictures taken. I totally get it.

I would have tod him to leave if I felt that strongly about it.

I would tell your friend that you think she meant well but actually it ruined your day and you wish she hadnt.

Given the points many other posters have made about how much details pre-wedding briefing for photographers and consents for organists, choirs, vicars etc - are you sure the video guy was a 'professional' and not just a mate of your friend ?

I get how you might be upset at first. But seriously, why are you letting this impact you still? ... it is a first world problem, and something you can't change. Get over it.

I'd have hated this and think that your "lovely friend" way overstepped. Not sure what you can do about it now but for me it would certainly have put a crimp in the friendship.

If you try and think of it from her shoes, it came from the heart, took a lot of organising and a lot of love went into arranging this for you

No, she looked at the situation entirely from her pov ('I loved having a videographer at my wedding and OP will love it too') and didn't give a moment's thought to how OP might feel. This is controlling behaviour. 'I like it so you will like to too.' Not kind, not loving.

Yes your friend overstepped, but as PP have said, you may be grateful for the video in years to come. I didn’t have one, just some snaps of the day and none formal. Now, 28 years later I would love to see my dad again, making his speech and many other family members long gone. My granddaughter would love to see him speaking and moving around instead of photos. I’m sorry it spoiled your day, but I’m sure you have some wonderful memories.

Your feelings are valid, but what's the point of being miserable about it now? It's done. You can leave the video upset your memories, or just put that aside and forget about it. It hasn't ruined the day, has it.

If I had wanted a videographer, I would have booked one. It's literally that simple.
not really, they are very expensive, not having something at your wedding often means you can't afford it, not that you necessarily don't want it.

You had a professional photographer, so it wasn't a huge leap, not something completely out of the blue.

I am not trying to blame you at all, but bear with: were you too enthusiastic about your friend's video - because you tried to be polite? Is it possible she thought she was testing the water when she discussed it with you, and went from there?

you said she's kind, she obviously meant well. Is it possible she completely misunderstood when you had chats about her own videographer?

I wouldn't say anything now, you can't change the wedding, what good would it do?

Some people are really too stupid to imagine that just because they loved something, someone else may not. And therefore assume that if they don’t have it, it’s a money thing.

Minor detail, and apologies if someone else has mentioned this (have read all your posts, OP, but not the whole thread) but you should also have been charged double, by the church, for the organist and choir (if you had them) fees. It's a union thing to do with recording musicians. At the very least the videographer should be paying any extra charges!

this is fractally wrong. Its wrong at an atomic level.

How on earth is it coming from a place of love that someone insists that they know better than the bride and groom what they want for their own wedding day?

It’s arrogant at best and narcissistic at worst

Before would have been better.

I’d be really angry too OP. And I can see what a difficult situation it is for you now with your friends.

And I’m also stunned the videographer was prepared to take on a job on the say-so of someone who wasn’t the bride or groom. I helped a friend plan her wedding once, and I remember the meeting with the photographer was really detailed - what sort of pictures they wanted, where they wanted photos taken etc. There was no way I could have called him myself and said “yeah just film the whole thing”.

That said, I think that in many years time you will want to watch it. The significance of the magical day will fade, and you’ll start to think about friends and family who aren’t around any more, and it will be nice to see them all having a lovely day. Try and focus on that aspect of it, that’s what I’d do.