Unwanted videographer at my wedding

I'd have gone nuts.

It's your wedding to organise, what a massive overstep.

I can usually find some way forward with stuff as I like to find a compromise but nope, you have one day and this was not in your plans.

I hate having my photo taken OP - I'd be upset too. I think I'd tell the photographer that I don't want to see /choose pictures. I would accept the video, but not watch it, to keep the peace.If people ask about the photos, I'd explain I don't like having my photo taken.
I hope you find a way to think only about the wonderful parts of the day. Congratulations.

I think OP, those suggesting you contact the videographer direct to advise they check the correct permissions etc in future have it right, then forget about it. If it gets back to your friend so be it. If she confronts you I would probably go along the lines of "I appreciate you had good intentions and I'm sorry if you misunderstood but I was clear that I didn't want my wedding video'd. I don't want this to spoil our friendship so I'd rather we moved on". If she insists on arguing I would just shut down any further discussion and change the subject.

This sounds to me like the best solution.
OP, I would be livid about this, your friend just didn't give a toss about your feelings. I'm not sure why other friends went along with it, how on earth did she suggest it to them? I'd have said I was doing my own thing present wise thank you. I certainly wouldn't be wasting money on that.

As for all the 'you'll appreciate it in 20 years' comments, are you joking? My parents bought my graduation video years ago, no one can watch it (like who would want to) because it's on VHS and none of us have a bloody VHS recorder. You really think you can watch a video from today in 20 years time without regularly copying it using the latest software?

I hate being photographed so this would ruin the day for me too….
Im sure your friend thought she was being kind, but she has massively overstepped here.
Try and find out the name of the photographer…maybe your friend has wedding pictures online with a link? Or just ask your friend who it was….
I would then talk to the photographer and say very clearly that you didn’t want the video, that you certainly didn’t consent to it, and that you feel it has ruined a really sacred part of your day. That you are concerned they just did this without permission, especially as there were children in the bridal party whose parents would not want them filmed. Make it very clear that you want the video destroyed immediately.

As for your friends, if it comes up just say you really appreciate their kindness but your friend massively overstepped and you have been left very upset by the knowledge that your ceremony was filmed. That their presence at your wedding was a wonderful gift, and you were so happy to share your day with them.

As for the friend…. I would take a little time and then tell her that she overstepped, that you have been left very upset, and that you have told the photographer to delete all the video. Let her get upset.

I too would be so upset by this. Cuddle your husband and try to get through the upset.

I’d be heartbroken and furious too. I totally understand. This is the one day you can make things totally the way you want. I would tell her the truth about how you feel, I’d try to tone it down a bit. I also think like others in many years you might appreciate it. Future kids might love it for example.

I think that's incredibly rude

It was likely done from a place of well meaning and genuine kindness as the friend had loved her experience with having it at her wedding and wanted the same for you. Sadly she mis-read the 'room'

But to interfere in somebody's else's wedding so significantly is terrible

Focus on the good parts of your day and put it off to the side until it's less raw I would suggest

You are not being unreasonable, it’s not what you wanted and that’s ok.

I’d hold on to the video though as it might be of more interest to you when you are retirement age, to remember all the friends and family.

This is my idea of hell - being filmed unaware from every angle. And for those of you saying to forget it and just bin the video. I GUARANTEE that the friends who contributed towards this are going to want to see it - possibly even make an evening of it. The OP will have to sit through it multiple times and answer questions about how much she loved it.

The video person sounds really unprofessional they haven’t contacted the people whose wedding it was.
I’d contact them and say you didn’t want them there and how they impacted negatively on your day and to delete all footage. If you have a copy put it in a drawer and don’t look you won’t view it favourably.
With passage of time you may stumble across it one day and it be less raw and nice to see.
As for friend if she specifically asks if you have watched it say you haven’t looked as you didn’t want a video taking.
I had no professional photos and no video many years ago. No regrets.

I understand you OP. I was also adamant I didn't want a wedding video. I love photographs (on my terms - I was very definite I didn't want the photographer doing getting ready photos or at my parents house for example, just at the venue). But I'm self conscious about my voice, paranoid about saying something silly I'll cringe at in years to come, and in general didn't want to feel like I was in a film set all day! Your wedding day should be what you want.

However, if this friend doesn't have form for overstepping, she clearly got the wrong idea and thought she was doing a nice thing. Id probably also have thought you being 'fine with not having' a videographer meant it wasn't in the budget, because I'd have said I 'didn't want' one if asked. So I'm sure how you can deal with it really. Just try to focus on all the things that you enjoyed / went right I suppose.

Yep, it is. If she thought otherwise then she would have not hinted and she would have outright asked if the bride actually wanted one. Onus is on her. Not the bride.

she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.

and she knew you had a professional photographer.

Insight is a wonderful thing, but again wasn't she testing the water with you and misunderstood that you didn't want one?

Not exactly highjacking is it.

I totally get it OP and would have felt the same. I'm sure others will disagree but I think it is unprofessional to rock up to a wedding you haven't been invited to and film a wedding that you haven't been given permission to film by the bride and groom.

I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s nobody else’s decision to instruct wedding professionals at YOUR wedding. It’s such a personal celebration and the planning is for the bride and groom. I’d understand if maybe you’d mentioned how much you would have liked a Videographer but couldn’t afford it and your loved ones decided to surprise you, but by telling her you aren’t bothered about one, it’s a step too far to enlist one and at the expense of no other gifts.

This is really lovely. I sympathise with the OP but I think you have really made some lovely points that make it seem not so bad.

It was likely down to very good intentions, but was a massive overstep. I think it's a bit unnecessary to have such a strong reaction to photographers and videographers, but I can appreciate we are all different and – crucially – that having this as a surprise was even worse.

I would however try your best to stop ruminating on it. There is nothing you can do. It's happened and it's time to move on and enjoy your marriage.

How patronising

I get it that you don't like photos or being filmed, I would be the same but sometimes you just have to suck it up!

But I always say to people who don't want either that you're not really doing it for you but for your descendants. Now you might not be planning children and that's fine too, dump the video. But in the future if you have then it is really children/grandchildren who love to look at these, photos are fine but walking talking people that they may not have even known is so much better. I am interested in genealogy and I was so lucky to have a lot of old film taken by a family member in the 60s and later. Many of my nieces/nephews would obviously not have seen their parents when young so it's lovely for them to be able to look back at childhood film of their own parents and later life there are wedding videos etc too. I love watching my parents wedding video which was in 1958 and doesn't have sound but it's lovely to see my grandparents etc. Again though if that is never likely to be a feature of your future just dump it and forget about it, shame about the presents though!

I haven’t read passed the first page, on a little side note and l am unsure if it has been said on other pages but l think the wiser thing to do it speak to your friend if you value your friendship, because the last thing you want to happen is for it to fester and to come out the wrong way for example if you were on a night out and drink plays a part.

This sounds like absolute hell to me! I would also have hated it!
You aren't overreacting at all, it was your special day and she's ruined the best moments!
Tbh
I would have been livid!

Your wedding, your choice whether you have a videographer or not.
I would be the same - I HATE having my photo taken and hate being videoed even more.
Your friend completely ignored your wishes - I'd have to say something to them about it if it was me....

Have you seen your photos yet? Usually a videographer and photographer would coordinate, so they aren’t in each other’s shots. Your photographer would have planned her shots so as not to be intrusive, but if he was bobbing around then did he end up in her shots?

I’m sorry for you, this would really upset me too. However, there is literally nothing you can do now! She thought she was being nice and telling her now makes no difference. Try and think about the fact you’re married and what those vows mean.

I lost too much weight before my wedding down to being so anxious, I look back and hated my hair, hated how much makeup I had on and wish I’d done it differently but I can’t change it now! I married my best friend and that’s most important x

Lots of things happen in a sit-com that are presented as funny when they wouldn't be at all in real life.
I was just saying that - in years to come and feelings are less raw - OP might see some humour in this.
What I said was:
I'm really sorry that this spoiled your day but I couldn't help thinking this would be hilarious in a sit-com.
If you read that to mean that I'd find "someone ruining a friend's wedding day" in real life hilarious I hope I've helped you to understand what I meant.