Unwanted videographer at my wedding

' I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends'

This is the annoying thing. If she had just paid for it all herself you could just not watch it and say thanks but she dragged everyone else into it. Just send all her future gifts to charity!

Absolutely this. Can never understand these people who think their ideas are always better and just sooooo amazing. 🙄I wonder if the friend was testing the waters OP to see your reaction and because you were polite and went down the 'oh not thought of having one' routine to not piss on her fireworks rather than 'god NO; we certainly don't want one', she obviously thought she'd cracked onto a 'lovely surprise' for you.

We have a video of our day. Watched it after we came back from honeymoon and once when the kids said they wanted to watch it.

Yes it does have people on there that are now gone and I'm sure it would be nice, in that way, to watch it again but the videographer got one of the guests (one of my (now ex) friends) to go round the reception with a microphone to speak to other guests whilst he filmed them...he picked her because she was the most noisiest, extrovert pissed guest and in a revealing outfit that showed her nipples so all my guests were 'interviewed' by her whilst the videographer was leering at her...😑(ex friend for other reasons!!) Just awful...

OP, if your friend is such a nice friend, you could have a quick chat with her, if she should bring up the subject i.e. "have you watched your wedding video yet?" ...."ooo no...we never wanted one, I thought I told you that? So, no we're not watching it. So how have you been?...blah blah blah"

one of the reasons we eloped was because of the thought of having to be photographed or videoed - to know it’s the done thing but I can think of nothing worse.

I don’t think your friend did this with malice and I’m hoping for you it’s as others have said and one day in the future you will be able to look back and be pleased you have the videography.

you could also buy her kid a pet tarantula as a birthday gift to get your own back 😂

I don’t think you should worry about upsetting your friend. She loved having a videographer and had good intentions but she was completely self absorbed and didn’t think about what you would want. I would let her know you never wanted that if she is upset so be it , lesson learnt for her. I married abroad , husbands family territory. Wanted a moment to gather myself before going into marriage room, husbands family descended on me like paparazzi, felt flustered and worked up instead of calm and centred. Some folk just do what they want but then maybe some brides would like that. I hope your memories focus on the no Video moments, you can laugh about it in time, you do dig out the film years down the line and end up enjoying it.

YANBU, I would have HATED this! I don't mind myself in photos (as long as I a know it's being taken!) but I hate myself on film/video. My 2 lovely DC are OK with it, and one has a YouTube channel and lots of videos with their face on! And the other one has lots of videos on Instagram (with their face/themselves on!) I wish I was that confident!

Sorry this happened @banjomonkey but as pps said, you should have firmly told the videographer that they were not wanted. Should have said to your friend that you appreciate the gesture, but you have no desire to be filmed.

I know you were blindsided, and it's easy to say (now) what you should have said - but yes you are absolutely right to be pissed off.

And this is why I eloped to Vegas 😆 Cannot stand wedding politics and the whole facade. I feel for you, I do. But try to focus on their loving intention as much as possible, even though it's difficult. It came from a loving place and you can't go back in time so being upset will not change anything except potentially ruin your friendships and muddy your lovely day memory even more.

Insight is a wonderful thing, but again wasn't she testing the water with you and misunderstood that you didn't want one?
Not exactly highjacking is it

So, if you were chatting about someone's wedding plans and they said 'I'm not having (eg) a wedding cake' you'd think it was OK to ask all her guests to contribute towards a cake and surprise the bride and groom with it instead of buying them wedding presents from their list? Without actually bothering to find out why the bride wasn't having a cake? How about if you said 'Are you wearing a veil?' and the bride said 'No, I'm fine without one'? Would you think 'Ah, I've tested the water and because she didn't say she hates veils, she must actually mean that she wants one really. I'd better tell everyone to chip in so we can make her wear it on the day.'

It absolutely IS hijacking and massively overstepping and anyone who thinks otherwise is, frankly, as weird as the OP's friend.

I think you consider implications of mentioning this going forward. You'll likely ruin friendships. It clearly came from a good place even if poorly executed. Suck it up and maintain the friendships if important to you. Making drama will just lead to falling out, end of friendships and people thinking the worst of you. However unfair that may feel.

To me, it's like telling a friend you're not having flowers at your wedding, or a cake, and then ordering them/it. It just wasn't her decision to make and she didn't give you the chance to say no. She desperately wanted to do this and took a very vague comment as consent. The fact it also deprived you of wedding gifts....no I'm sorry but I would have to say something. I'd definitely tell her and I'd ask her for the name of the videographer so you can put them straight too.
I specifically didn't want posed photos, mainly because I hate that hour you lose of fun while taking loads of pointless formal group photos. I told my photographer this very clearly. One of my husband's aunts tried to make him do it anyway by grabbing my husband and arranging it herself but I told her there and then that we were not doing it and to let us enjoy our day. I had already told his mother we were not doing posed group shots apart from a couple with the parents and siblings. Some people really are selfish.

That sounds awful, and you couldn't have stopped it without creating a scene and ruining your own wedding. Horrible to be blindsided like that.

We only had still photos and not that many! At a relatives wedding the videographer was very intrusive and actually stood right in front of our table blocking our view of the bride & groom during the speeches. My OH asked him to move and got daggers, but we wanted to see the live event not the video.

YANBU

I’m glad you got some good feedback here and it’s helping you get it clear in your mind.

I hate being photographed and recorded too.

A cousin filmed our wedding as an (agreed) gift, he does have some videography experience so edited the DVD. Our wedding was in 2008 and that DVD has never been watched. I am glad it’s there, and should prob consider getting it put on a USB stick, and maybe my children would like to see it. My ILs have held screenings of other family wedding videos so I had to actively hide it to prevent this happening….

I’m not sure how much time needs to pass before I feel the urge to watch it, it’s been almost 17 years and still no inclination.

30 years married.

Slightly Different but I understand your feelings. The money involved would make it worse too for me.

Video taken by my father-in-law at wedding, for free Really didn't want it, but he was always recording people. Priest made him turn the recorder off but he still got a fair amount.

I do not cherish the video, never watched it. I didn't let it ruin my day, but I did stop him filming at other events where he was getting in the way of us.

Like I said @Itisjustmyopinion it’s stupid of her friendship group to do this . But if they’re all friends and have been for a long time - they didn’t think it through …but I doubt all her friends are arrogant and narcissistic. They are big words.

Wow... I might be missing the point here, but didn't that really mess up the ability of your photographer to do her job? Also breach her contract if you had an additional person documenting the day... I'd 100% be annoyed if it messed up the photos.

Not rtft but the subject of your wedding will be very quickly old news. After a week no one will be talking about it except you. Say thank you anx leave at that.

your wedding day is just a day. Concentrate on the marriage. After a month or two the actual day will be an irrelevance even to you.

How did you find out it was your friends?

Ideally you’d be able to say “I love you friend and I know you had good intentions but I really wish you hadn’t done that. I was so confused and distracted and I just couldn’t relax knowing I was being filmed.”

But the way groups are, it could spread around the group and they could conclude you’re being unreasonable depending on how friend takes that comment. They all end up angry.

Or she feels terrible and has to live with fact she ruined your wedding day a bit for you. Then it’s always the elephant in the room for years to come.

For your own happiness I think try your best to stop thinking about it and let the good memories take over. I don’t have a group of friends that would do something big like that for me, it’s a great thing really.

its not just photos though, its a video that she clearly said to her friend neither she nor her hubby wanted.

Your friend crossed the line there, that's horrible.

OP, I completely agree with you. This friend is so misguided. She thought about what SHE loved, not what you might like. I would be devastated if it was me.
As much as there’s nothing you can do about it now, I think she should know that she messed up. Why should you need to suck up this horrible feeling since she ruined an important part of your day with her intrusive AF “gift” (which also precluded you from getting gifts from others!)?! Why are her feelings more important than yours and your husband’s?!
If you don’t tell her that this was not appropriate, she may go on and do some other “thoughtful” thing for someone else in future with similar results.
I think she needs to hear that you appreciate the sentiment and effort she went to, but she should have cleared it with you first.
I’m so so so sorry your wedding was tarnished by this shit gift!!

I think that’s really rude - organising something within your actual ceremony that you hadn’t organised yourself. Like filling the venue with tiger lilies or something instead of your chosen decorations. Really strange

My view, this was a massive overstep. This is the sort of thing you ask if someone wants. A lot of people have very different approaches to video and photographs.

You are not over reacting at all, it must have been a horrible shock. It was wrong of your friend to organise it and it was wrong of the videographer to take the job.

But how do you move on? Will you feel better for getting it off your chest? Would telling your friends how you feel make things better or worse? It happened, you need to focus on the future now.

I would however seriously consider contacting the videographer to point out he shouldn't have done it without your permission, you didn't want one and he caused a lot of upset. Plus check on the issue with paying the costs for any church performers as mentioned by pps, he should cover the costs.

I would actually confide in some friends that you really didn't want a videographer and were totally blindsided and a bit upset about it. Explain you can't even watch the video as it was something you actively did not want. But you do understand the thought that went into it.

Not necessarily the person who organised it, but other friends.

I would have hated that too as I am very uncomfortable with being photographed and videoed, to the extent I would have actually halted at the very beginning when I first noticed and politely asked if they were in the wrong place and what was going on, then asked them to leave and moved on from it.

But it has happened, it was done with good intentions by someone who obviously cares (albeit a bit overstepping/controlling), you can't change the past, try to move on from it.