Unwanted videographer at my wedding

I would have hated that. I think it's on both of you.

You could have said no or asked someone from the wedding party to do so if you didn't feel comfortable. You could have asked they only film at the reception because you wanted to keep the ceremony an intimate occasion. There was lots of damage control you could easily and quickly have done.

You friend absolutely should have asked, who on earth does that... But she easy trying to be nice and I guess you could see it as a nice thing that she wanted it to be, even if it wasn't. Depends how much you value the friendship how you proceed I imagine.

I'm also surprised the videographer didn't need to get approval from you or the church or venue or whatever to film, usually they would.

If you could see the videographer bobbing around during the vows then they must have been pretty crap. I did have one that I chose carefully and honestly I don't remember actively seeing him at all during the day. In fact until I shared the highlights reel to my social media most of my guests hadn't realised he was there either.

This was of huge importance in my choice and I did a lot of research because I actively hate having my photo taken etc.

However, I think you need to reframe this in your head before it destroys your memories of the day and your friendships.

Instead of how much you didn't want it, how about focus on the thought behind the gesture. Your friend may have felt that your protestations were due to cost and thought she was doing you a solid. I doubt she meant to hurt you.

If it helps give some perspective, I love watching mine back, it captured bits of the day I hadn't seen myself or realised had happened. It captured some truly gorgeous moments between my dh and my dd (his dsd) as well as between dh and my ex and dsc (still a very close family). There are family members included who are now on end of life care so being able to watch it back and see them happy and vibrant is something I will treasure for example.

I simply cannot believe that she thought that it was okay to organise an element of your wedding. The day is about you not her and who on here thinks she had the right to do this? I just don’t get those who think you are unreasonable; you’re simply not.

I also think it’s sad you didn’t get wedding presents also. I’d be disappointed as well. Did your friend ambush them in donating to the video? (And that’s not being grabby).

Lots of people are missing the point that the bride and groom didn't get anything off their gift wish list, because all their friends collectively paid for this thing they didn't want.

That does stink.

its hard but is it worth losing the friendship over? It was well intentioned so perhaps just leave it as that. Get the footage. You don’t need to watch it. But, I (as a 40 year old) recently found out there was videos of guests arriving at my parents wedding. And I absolutely loved seeing my older relatives and parents friends all dressed up arriving. Perhaps it’s something your kids or nieces and nephews etc might enjoy in 30 years.

don’t let it ruin your day by dwelling on it or losing a otherwise good friend over it.

Not read the whole thread because it’s long and I don’t have time right now, but I saw the title and wanted to chip in to say this happened to me. Dh’s aunt decided to video our wedding as a ‘surprise’. Neither of us wanted a video.

She had no boundaries, she was in our faces constantly and she’s there with her bloody camcorder in the background (and sometimes foreground) of so many of our photos - so annoying! Couldn’t say anything at the time without upsetting all the in-laws.

We’ve only watched the video a couple of times. It’s pretty bad - shaky, weird angles, distorted sound etc. Technology has moved on so I don’t think we could watch it now even if we wanted to. But maybe one day I’ll dig it out and try to find a way, because the kids would probably be interested.

You have to just find a way to put it behind you, so it doesn’t taint all your memories. Don’t actively lie to your friends - if anyone asks if you’re enjoying the video, be honest and say that whilst you appreciate the kind gesture, you didn’t want a video for various reasons and you haven’t watched it. Don’t make a big thing of it, but don’t lie either. Try to focus on the things that you did enjoy about the day.

I had some sympathy but you’ve lost it here. I get you didn’t want one, that’s fine but it was well within your grasp to sort it, have a 2 minute polite conversation with said person and job done…move on.

We didn’t have a videographer either and don’t regret it at all.

I’m also astonished that the videographer didn’t speak to you. In this day and age, you always have to sign consent and make the cameraman aware of any person (usually children) that’s not allowed to be photographed for any reason.

i don’t think you’re overreacting at all. If they knew you didn’t want one, it’s overstepping the boundaries.

she probably just assumed that you’d probably want one

Yeah, that's exactly what she did, and that's where she was massively fucking overstepping, by making huge assumptions without any real foundation. Making an assumption like that is pure guesswork with zero evidence, and it's crass and pushy to proceed with booking a service for someone else's wedding on that basis.

Also, even if you think the friend's assumption that most people want a video of their wedding day was reasonable... surely you cannot possibly think that it was also a reasonable assumption to think that the couple would be happy to miss out on the wedding presents they'd asked for in order to pay for the video? The things they specifically listed as things they wanted and needed?

I think your friend was controlling and cared
more about looking good to others than giving you a genuine gift that would make you happy. Sounds abit narcissistic to me.

I hate to disappoint but it’s probably got an old episode of The Bill recorded over it and since been consigned to landfill. I’ve never seen it myself although I believe my parents watched it through on the camcorder and howled with laughter.

My Fil has just put the pic up of us signing the register that the Pil insisted we have a photo of, so we had to redo it for them. I was furious at the time and I'm still cross, 25 years on. I'd be apoplectic about this invasion of my day.

I got married in Jamaica. A fellow holidaymaker started filming it, walked around us, even tried to push a horse shoe purse thing on me.

When I copped her filmimg, I said please excuse me one moment walked over to her and said fuck off.

I can't understand why you didn't do anything.

Your friend is bonkers.

You have my sympathies. I would be mortified. Some people are saying ‘you’re overreacting’. No, not at all. They’re people who would like it, and that’s fine. But you didn’t. It’s a horrible thing. I’d be furious at a friend who organised it despite knowing you weren’t keen. That reeks of them wanting to be seen to be fabulous - look what I organised, aren’t I thoughtful. I’m 100% with you on this.

You’re not overreacting to having a video or photos taken. Many people hate the idea. People who are saying ‘it’s just photos’ are comfortable having photos taken/being on video. Great. You do you. Some of us don’t - so leave us alone.
Congratulations on your marriage xxx

It's not ridiculous for the video to have spoiled her day. It's how she feels. But I'd loved to have had a decent video of my wedding, so I could see my mum again. Sometimes it's difficult to picture her in my mind and photos aren't as good.

Whether or not she ‘meant well’, she overstepped to such a degree I’d be keeping the friendship at arms-length forever for the foreseeable.

In 20 years when half the people at that wedding are dead and gone, that video will be source of comfort and delight.

I really hate seeing dead relatives on video. I love looking at photos of them, but not video. It just makes me feel really sad. So no, it won't necessarily be a source of comfort and delight. And if the OP thought it would, she would have ORDERED HER OWN FUCKING CAMERAMAN FFS. Why is that so hard for people to understand??

Did you actually tell her you weren’t having a videographer because you really don’t want one? Or did you just say, I’m not having one.

because the vast majority of people wants all the videos and pictures of their day, your active aversion to it is highly unusual.

if you didn’t explicitly say I don’t want one I’d hate it then she probably just assumed that you’d probably want one, but weren’t massively bothered to spend the money on it.

and clearly thought she was giving you the gift of a lifetime that’s highly meaningful to most people.

And very likely that they didn’t know OPs feelings about it and CF said OP was ok with it and let’s all chip in

Yes the other friends were daft not to say anything to the OP but it’s definitely the organising friend that is the arrogant one here

I would have hated that. I don't like having my photo taken at the best of times, and l found having photos taken stressful enough.
However our photographer was lovely, our package was for still photographs. There was no way l'd want a video of it.
Wedding videos were relatively new when we got married (late 80s) thank goodness, so it wasn't an issue.
Quite frankly if a 'friend' had arranged it as a 'surprise' or a 'present' I would not have been happy and they'd have been made aware of that, even if it had to be after the day. It's intrusive.
And l certainly wouldn't have watched it, or 'put it in a drawer'.

I totally get the photo thing OP, I ( and OH) really dislike having our photos taken.

Knowing someone has a camera puts me on edge, you are not alone in the photo thing.

I totally get why you're upset. The only thing I can say is she obviously thought u would love it and would be gutted to know how upset you are. You'll have to let it go and not mention it for fear of losing a mate, but as a lesson learnt maybe if anything like this arises again don't be too vague and really stipulate if there is something you really don't like etc like going away on holiday or something. Hopefully nothing like this happens again. I do get you though, hopefully in time you'll get over it xx

I have the feeling that your friend was making your wedding all about her - by going to guests asking for money to pay for the video. “Oh look - see what a good friend I am organised this - no - don’t thank me - it’s the least I can do”. Subtext - see how fabulous I am - the bride is so lucky to have a friend like me! 🙄

You have my every sympathy - I would HATE that too! In fact, such was our determination not to do the whole 'big fuss' thing, we eloped with just two friends.

I actually had a similar situation but nowhere near as bad. My manager organised a bridal bouquet of flowers to be delivered to the venue we were marrying at, as a gift from all my work colleagues (through a collection). We had purposely decided not to have any of the trappings of a wedding - I got married in a casual summer dress (which my manager knew), but there I am, in at least some of our snaps (obvs we didn't have a proper photographer), with a huge fuck-off wedding bouquet - think Lady Diana style! It was fine, as no one who contributed was there so I only picked it up for a couple of photos to send to the office to say thank you, but it was a bit irritating that I felt compelled to do this on my wedding day, that my manager had organised this (similar to you, I had told him I wasn't having a bouquet...) and that it was such a waste of money for all my colleagues.