Unwanted videographer at my wedding

I sympathise and completely understand your feelings. If she had offered to do this you could have said a firm no. If she had booked it but told you before the day you could have met the videographer first and discussed what you did and didn’t want so felt a bit more in control and at ease on the day.
It seems a strange move on her part especially as you do not have any way to contact him. Who will approve the final product? Her?
I would message her and say thank you (with gritted teeth) ask her for his details so you can have an input in editing etc and say that your choice not to have this was through a genuine discomfort. This was indeed how you felt on the day compounded by having no warning.
Out of interest if she paid on behalf of several people who ‘owns’ the content?

I think what the OP meant is that she didn't know where they would pop up next so you can't feel you can relax and be yourself in case someone is filming

Stupid message. We're not all the same. You sound like the friend.

If you didn’t know where the videographer was, he couldn’t have been that intrusive 🤔

Same thing happened to me. I don't like being photographed normally, but it was fine for our wedding. However, my in laws wanted a video, I said no. Got out of the car at the church and there was a bloke videoing it all. Was really cross. It was one of their friends. I didn't get on with my inlaws, they were really overbearing and controlling, but fortunately lived 500 miles away!
I did see the video eventually, and actually it wasn't bad. They never sent us a copy though!!!!!

This is your closest group of friends, a friendship group that your good friend has compromised for you because you will find it very difficult to say a heartfelt thank-you to any of them, I imagine. I don’t blame you.

So I think that if they begin to wonder why you sound less than enthusiastic about having had a stranger-videographer thrust in your personal space for those very special moments as a gift, then I think you must tell the simple truth, which is that you both deliberately chose not to have a videographer because you both really hated the idea and just didn’t want one.

I wouldn’t go as far as volunteering to them just how much it ruined things for you, unless they ask, -just that you wished you had been asked. Your friends do deserve to have a frank admission from you if they ask so that they can reflect, understand and apologise which I’m sure will go some way to validating your feelings, feelings which are perfectly normal by the way.

You will then feel a little better about it all and with their understanding, be more able to put it behind you at least.

So, don’t hide the truth from any of them OP. If and when they ask what you thought of the videographer or when you will be doing the video reveal or however it comes up, say …oh it was unnerving to see somebody in Church filming us when I had planned to avoid that. Or no, we aren’t in a hurry to watch any videos, we just don’t like being filmed at all.
You can put your point across without being impolite as long as you are honest and keep it simple.

I’m sorry you are feeling so sad about it, I completely understand how it could affect you like this.
YANBU at all.

@banjomonkey you say you don’t even know the videographer’s name? So is their footage coming to you courtesy of the friend?

I don’t know how videography works, but for our photographer we were sent all the proofs and then went through to pick photos for the album, prints etc. Would a videographer not edit the film with your input / say so? Or do you just get the film they choose to make for you?

YANBU at all. Videos and photos, and the people taking them, are very personal. You want to meet the professional and see their work and if you like them before they spend most of your wedding day with you or your guests!

One thing you could do is ask the videographer to make you a film that doesn’t include you - so if they were off filming people, have all that footage of stuff you didn’t see and cut out anything with you and DH in it.

I don’t agree that the OP is over-reacting at all. I would not have wanted a videographer either. Photos are difficult enough (I’m not at all photogenic) but video would be an absolute no-no.

I completely understand your distress, OP. If you want to maintain your relationship either this friend, I think you’re going to have to try put this to the side; change the subject slightly if the video comes up in conversation. Your friend made a huge mistake, but I’m sure she & your other friends didn’t realise how much it would upset you & your husband. It’s all very raw at the moment but your feelings of anger and disappointment will ease with time.

When you have a thought about it, stop yourself and think of a much happier memory from the day.

Do you know what the OP actually said? Its' great you are making all these scenario in your own head, but that doesn't help anyone here does it.
You can't compare a videographer at an event with an existing professional photographer and a veil, don't be ridiculous.

Just because I would't do it personally doesn't mean I have to agree with the horrible comments "she's a cow, a narcisist, and she HAS ruined the wedding completely". How is that helping the OP?

@banjomonkey I totally get it. I hate having my photo taken.. have done since being a child.

same thing happened at my wedding.. to this day, I haven’t watched the film.

But over time, my feelings towards it have changed…my mum passed away and it gives me a lot of comfort to know that if I want to see her moving and talking on a day where she and my dad were so happy, then I have that to turn to…

The video exists now. You don’t need to watch it. But it would be shame for this to continue to upset you. Perhaps you can start to think about how loved you are, that your friends wanted to surprise you with a memory of the best day of your life. For all those posters saying that your friends should have known.. I don’t see it the same way. I haven’t really expressed how I feel about having my photo taken so why would they know?

Your friend messed up…but her intentions were kind. Maybe if you don’t want to tell her that you hated having the videographer there, you could simply say that you appreciate the gesture. You could say that you are going to wait to watch it, perhaps on your anniversary… which will give you some space to come to terms with how you are feeling.

What difference would it have made to tell them to stop? In the middle of the ceremony. The money was spent. She would have looked like an absolute bridezilla. And now she knows everyone chipped in, everyone would have been upset and the biggest thing people would have remembered.

sometimes people do things with the best of intentions and so it feels mean to then tell them they’ve done something wrong.

This happened to me 33 years ago, my parents friends filmed at the church, I didn't want it, have never watched it and was annoyed they turned up to do that (my parents had invited them to the evening do) I'd have been really annoyed if it was a present.

I have a friend like that (on a far less "big" scale). She knows I HATE fuss but has secretly organised 1) a birthday party for me 2) a birthday cake in a quiet restaurant that 4 of us went to.

The cake was brought out with candles and singing by the staff.

I don't know if she tries to be difficult/annoying or if she just can't understand that I don't like fuss and thinks I'm strange.

I feel rage for you OP; your friend's action trampled over your feelings on such an important day.

By choosing not to watch it gives you some power over the situation now.

This, OP. I was very much like you, but we just recently celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary and playing the video at the party was so much fun and a sweet reminder of people who participated (my parents especially) who are no longer with us.

Just send them all a link to this thread!

Ah it's done now and I think all you can do it try to find a way to stop focussing on it. If you say something, it sounds like many friends will then know that their gift was unwanted, and that would be a shame.

It's annoying that not one friend said "if they wanted a videographer surely they would have booked one, are you sure about this".

As others have said, it may bring you some joy later down the line.

YANBU and don't listen to the posters saying you are overreacting. I am getting married next year and this would be my worst nightmare. I personally find the videographer idea a bit cringe and would hate being filmed/followed around all day. I just want a really relaxed day and it would put me on edge.

Hats off to you for keeping it together as I would have told them to leave within 5 seconds 🤣.

I would just be honest with your friends, and say you appreciate the gesture but have no interest in watching the video.

You can disagree with actions taken but still be grateful for the sentiment.

You can't fix it, you can't tell anyone so just try and reframe it. It's not a thing for you or family but you are allowing it to exist and you are thankful for it because one day in the future your children or your grandchildren or your nieces and nephews will watch it and love it

I would have told the videographer at the first opportunity that you did not want them there - your friends totally stepped out of line and I wouldn’t have cared about ‘hurting’ their feelings as they certainly didn’t seem to care about going against your wishes.
But it’s done now. I would say to the friend who organised it that you appreciate that she was trying to do something nice but there was a reason why you didn’t want it videoed. You don’t have to go on a rant - nothing can be changed now - but if you explain calmly that it did impact your day (I wouldn’t say ‘ruin’) and hopefully she will learn from this.

Why would you not watch it?

When your friend was singing the praises of her videographer, and you were sitting there thinking “I would absolutely hate that” - why didn’t you just say that out loud? She’s your friend…

How is it rude to say “I hate the idea of being filmed and my fiancé and I have specifically told our photographer not to do this” - it’s like saying “I hate mayonnaise and asked my husband to make my sandwich without it”. I have no idea why you would think this would offend anyone? If you were sitting there being “polite” and saying “oh that sounds lovely” she would have no idea of how you feel about it.

She also owes a massive apology to the guests she got to pay for this. I’d be gutted to realise I had contributed to something that detracted from the wedding instead of a gift that was wanted and appreciated by the people i love.

But it’s probably best to let the guests believe they did a nice thing because it’s not their fault.

Outrageous thing to do - overstepping her mark as a wedding guest doesn’t even begin to cut it. Who thinks they get to decide things like this on someone else’s behalf? Everyone knows that people’s wedding days are exactly how THEY want it because they spend a long time planning it! It’s like swapping out your dress for one she liked better and then expecting you to be grateful!

You would be doing her a favour to let her know how you feel, might save her doing something so inappropriate and awful to anyone else in the future. How about writing a letter?

She wildly, wildly overstepped and has irrevocably changed the most important day of your life to you. You are allowed to feel utterly furious with her, you don’t have to persuade yourself to ‘be nice’ and just get over it. Your feelings are valid, this matters to you and that is very reasonable.

As far as I can see she owes you at the least a grovelling apology and the money that the videographer cost. She basically spent your wedding guests’ gift budget on your behalf and the least she can do is make sure you can buy yourselves the wedding gifts you wanted - or give it to charity if you like. Bottom line is that it wasn’t her money to spend! You can never get back your ceremony, how you wanted it, though and tbh I would struggle to forgive her for that. The friendship would be over for me, I could never trust her again.