Unwanted videographer at my wedding

i would feel just as you do. I think it is a horrible thing to do. To do this on someone else’s wedding day is not acceptable.
I wonder if the “friend” was somehow gaining from this promoting of the videographer or getting money off her own video by arranging for other people to join in on the cost. To do it as a surprise I think she knew you would not agree.

I have TWO video recorders.

I got married three years later than you and I had a videographer too. I’ve never once watched the video. Not one single time.

I disagree with all the pp saying Op should have stopped the videographer - this would have been mid-ceremony and caused a scene! I have no advice Op, just hope you are able to remember the happy times from your special day 💐

OP- did you have a wedding present list? If you did then I think your friends’ action was even worse, because I’m assuming that having a video record of your wedding wasn’t included on the list, inbetween the toasters and electric blankets.

We didn't have a video of our wedding - similar reasons to you OP. I wanted to remember it my way and not feel like I was part of something 'staged'.

This was just over 20 years ago.

I regret it now.

My DC have said more than once that they would have loved to see our wedding day and I realise now that seeing myself at my absolute happiest (and thinnest!) on the best day of my life surrounded by family who are now gone (especially my parents) would be a gift.

So my advice to you is, think of it as a future investment. Maybe not even for you but for future generations.

You didn't want it.
But, your friends meant well and did it with love
And you will remember that one day down the line when you might feel you'd like to watch it.

YANBU - you specifically said you didn't want a videographer. I think you could say what you feel, but gently. Or just say nothing.

Or - Say thank you, and then just chuck it away (or keep it for your DC to watch!)

For me, it would depend on the situation in which your friend wants your response. Although I'd have kicked off the moment I saw the videographer - I'd have asked my father or a bridesmaid (ie someone with me at the entrance of the church) to get rid of the videographer absolutely & firmly.

It would have been a bridezilla moment, but totally justified.

So we kind of felt like this. But had a videographer anyway. To capture moments like my FIL playing, grooms grandparents saying some words- rather than the video of the wedding itself. My FIL
To be fair I love watching the film back now- to see the people who I love who aren't here anymore- and it helps frame the memories of these people- and we have introduced them to our daughter via the wedding film..... For us that's why we wanted it (not for the ceremony)....

OP, I understand how you feel and time will lessen the disappointment and as someone upthread said, in years to come you will enjoy watching the video.

A friend arranged and paid for a photoshoot as a gift, despite being told that it wasn’t appropriate. She keeps hounding me about it, I’ve not booked it yet as I absolutely hate having my photo taken and this is hell on earth for me. 😥

You 100 percent need to tell her. She'll be excitedly presenting you with the final product, so this won't be the last of it. You need to be able to be honest with good friends.

Id want to know if I'd contributed to it wether you like it or not & id be pissed at the organiser if I heard what you'd written. As somebody who completely understands (but gets swept up in weddings as well) I wouldn't have wanted to cause you to feel this way

Why must people interfere with things like this? Infuriating!

I'm afraid I can't help but be blunt these days.

I would have taken a moment, told the videographer politely and quietly that her services were not required, and apologise for what was a waste of her/his time. I would have then proceeded, and deal with any fallout later.

Friend had no right to go having a whip round. They grossly misjudged the situation.

OP I do completely understand how you were concentrating more on getting into the church.

Hope you feel better about it all soon, whether you decide to admit you were unhappy or you don't.

Can you talk to one trusted/non-dramatic person in your friend group about how you really feel and let them gently pass the message on to the rest? The gift organiser can be kept happily in the dark maybe, but the rest will know to quietly steer her away from this sort of thing in future.

I know that’s not the point but it does add some perspective!! None of the friends who contributed to the gift seemed to know that she wouldn’t want a videographer either, otherwise they wouldn’t have contributed or said no?!
so how was anyone meant to know what was a well intended surprised wouldn’t be received well!

Wow, I totally understand why you're upset and I don't think you're overreacting.

I can also understand your friends doing it, I'm sure they thought they were doing something lovely - which in a way makes it even sadder! Personally I would feel sad about my friends wasting their money. And I would also be slightly miffed at getting something I hate instead of wedding presents I'd actually asked for, and/or money I could actually spend on something useful. How bizarre of them to just assume you wanted something like that without asking. I would have hated it too. I always feel more on-edge when I know I'm being filmed. And I hate looking at videos of myself.

This

my brain might want to feign thanks but my face has a will of its own.

This is the most shit gift ever. But one man's rubbish...

You can't change it. The best you can do is come to terms with it, watch it, then throw it in the sea if you so choose.

It was clearly well intentioned but incredibly inappropriate.

I get that it's a bitter pill to swallow, especially as your friends spent good money on it. But you are holding onto hot rocks at the moment i.e only hurting yourself. Absolutely have a rant and you deserve utter sympathy. But just watch it (you might love it!) then put it to bed for your own wellbeing.

It's just so rude and makes the assumption that they know better about what she wanted.

The op is already well aware that the friend didn't have bad or malicious intentions- that isn't the point!

I think the intentions were so lively. I know it was intrusive, but she was thoughtful and meant no harm. I would let this go and feign thanks.

I hear you, it was your we a bdding, you and your husband's special day and you both knew what you did and did not want and this was ignored.

I hate being filmed and photograhed, I hate the now entrenched trend for selfies and instagram reels that seem to suggest that if something is not recorded then it is not happening. I have every single thing I go to being full of people with their bloody phones out taking pictures that they will more than likely look at only once. I hate going to things where someone yells "selfie" and everyone poses and pouts. When I had big birthday and went out with friends for a really nice meal I expressely said no selfies and no videos and no putting the footage on Facebook, one friend ignored me and I felt upset and ignored. Why can't people just respect other's choices?

YANBU at all.

Unfortunately I don't think you can really say anything to your friend. There isn't anything she can do to put it right.

DFIL came to the hospital with a video camera the day after DC was born after a very long labour culminating in emergency CS.

I know he was just overexcited both by new DGC and having been able to borrow a video camera (this was 30 years ago, it was huge. Looked like it should have come with a sound crew). But it was thoughtless.

It isnt a film I treasure.

I chose not to have a video either. I'd had one at my 21st but I thought it potentially makes people self conscious, uncomfortable, and modify their behaviour.

Something that I might do OP, in this situation, is tell myself that if I’m still upset about this in a year, then I’ll say something. That way I’m not forcing myself to let it go, and I’m keeping the option open to addressing it. But I’m not having to do it right now.