Unwanted videographer at my wedding

It doesn’t actually matter what ‘most people’ think. Op had said to friend that she didn’t want a video. Friend went against this wish, organised a videographer and ambushed friends in paying for it ( and there were no safeguarding checks done either).

For the record, I didn’t want a video at my wedding either. Over thirty years later, no regrets.

haribo - I'm so sorry - I don't know how I managed to quote your post! I was just replying to OP.

Plenty of people wouldn’t want a videographer at their wedding, it would drive me nuts. I didn’t even bother with a photographer, nothing to do with mental health issues just didn’t want one. Some people just can’t imagine that other people don’t think the same way that they do.

You have my sympathy, OP. Your day was spoiled by misplaced interference from friends - don't people realise that, as the organiser of your own wedding, that if you wanted a video made, you'd have sorted it? It's really arrogant of people to do this kind of thing without consulting you. Yes, it would ruin my day too, to have the distraction of someone messing around in your eyeline throughout the vows etc.

I got married long ago before videos were a thing, and we had the minimum amount of photography. I roll my eyes now at the day-long nightmare that is wedding photography. I sing at weddings in a small choir and I'm well aware of these ruddy videographers and photographers imposing themselves into all the special moments of the ceremony.

Why don't people just live in the moment - enjoy the experience itself? It seems more important nowadays to record or photograph it than to actually do it. All for social media, I guess. Half the wedding problems you see on MN are due to the pressures of social media and how things will look in the photos.

I'm glad I was young when I was young!

How is it a nice thing when OP told her she wasn’t having one? She either doesn’t listen, or doesn’t care; either way, it’s not “nice”.

Anyway, who arranges this kind of thing for someone else’s wedding. It’s really weird.

This is really annoying and I don’t blame you for being pissed off. What is your friend like ?
however I think you have no choice at this point but to just let it go as it may cause more trouble than it’s worth saying anything at this stage.

Your reaction to being in photos/video is quite extreme. Your friend did a nice thing. Not her fault you have some kind of mental health /body image issues.

It would never cross my mind that someone doesn't want a video of their wedding day.

I'm not saying you are unreasonable. But when you have such strong views, that completely diverge from most people, the onus is on you to put the breaks on it on the day.

this sort of happened to me. When I got married my future PIL decided they wanted the wedding filmed. I said under no circumstance did I want it filmed as I didnt want someone stopping and starting things to film in an unnatural way, I explained to them I didnt have the budget to pay for it etc.

SO they decided that my FIL would stand at the front with a camcorder and record me walking down the ilse towards him. I had NO idea and the first thing is (probably - haven't watched it) me scowling at the camera. It also means all of the photos then had him standing like a wally at the front filming something (and his tie was all wonky) I was furious.

To top it off, MIL decided she would like the cake I had ordered so she ordered 100 cupcake in different flavours decorated how she wanted and before I knew it they were all placed around the cake and she kept offering the cupcakes to people incase they didnt want my wedding cake..... I had a chocolate cake because chocolate cake is amazing. She was upset there wasnt a plain sponge and a fruit cake layer.

I am no longer married to their 'amazing' son... it was all too much. Sometime even when you express you wants and desires people dont hear you and do things anyway.

It doesn't matter how strange you might think it is. It's her reaction. What help do you think your comment is?

At some point, @banjomonkey , your friend will ask to watch the video, or ask of you've seen it (or one of your other friends will). That's the time to be calmly honest, and say no, that you and your DH hate being video'd, so won't be watching it.

It will probably be less awkward saying that, than it will be trying to avoid having some video-watching session or lying and saying you've watched it or are about to.

I wonder if you could contact the videographer in confidence, explain the situation, and ask that they don't edit the footage / make the film, so they could offer you a partial refund.

You feel all over the place about it and you can't talk to your nearest and dearest about how you feel. It's a mental health issue to bottle up how you feel. It's no coincidence that the most successful and happiest people are the ones who can express their feelings. They do what they say and they say what they mean. You can lie about the truth but does that make you a reliable good friend. You can speak the truth with out being rude and ungrateful. You have to decide what kind of friendship you want in the future.

I wish people would stop telling the OP how she should feel or how she will fell.

OP your feelings are yours!!! 100% valid.

What you do with them is what matters... accept them, name them, feel them..

Then decide how you will feel when you no longer feel so affected by this. Decide how you would wish to feel about a heartfelt gift from these friends, assign that feeling to the gesture (but not the recording).

Practice a response .. 'Oh yeah, the wedding movie, a generous gesture.. thank you.' Gratitude for the gesture, not the present.

Hopefully your friends will not extract an expression of gratitude from you and you can all move on... acknowledging without saying, that this is not a topic for conversation and that sometimes gift giving meet the needs of the giver more than the receiver.

isn't this a tad of an over-reaction?

Do you actually believe that the wedding was actually RUINED because of it?

Do you even believe that someone would spend money on a gift - that they enjoyed themselves and already discussed with the friend - just to be spiteful? And the other friends joined in, just to be spiteful too?

You're still talking about it you would have been better off saying something rather than have a complete stranger walk around the church. You're to easy going and easy to abuse you need to get some back bone and say 'no'.

She didn't explain this to her friend, so the friend didn't "go against" her. I totally agree the friend should never have done this though, and I would probably tell her.

She’s not your friend!!! She ruined your wedding!! She’s not lovely!!

I'm baffled that a professional videographer would be willing to take an instruction from anyone either than the bride or groom. Don't clients usually have a consultation about what they want?

Cut her off. She’s not lovely. She ruined your wedding.

If it was me I would have asked he was and explained this is a private ceremony and asked him to leave. You would have still kept your dignity and your friends jaws would have dropped. That would have been a wedding to remember. You would have gotten married your way.

You will get to a stage in your life where you have enough of tolerating other people imposing their belief's or wants on you and you accepting it. Some day you will learn to say no and not give a fuck who you upset. Your feelings and your wants are just as important and you will learn not to tolerate chancers. Your great friend couldn't afford to pay for the videographer so sold it to all your other friends so they didn't have to buy a gift.

This woman is not your friend. She is not lovely. Your friends and family don’t know you and she made everyone pay for something you didn’t want in the first place. She also ruined your wedding!!

Cut her off and explain to people you never wanted a videographer and you explained this to your friend and she deliberately went against you.

The fact she did this behind your back was utterly disgusting.

No she's not. I absolutely agree this was hideously intrusive. Appalling to hijack someone else's day like this!

But it wasn’t thoughtful as op had told she didn’t want a videographer, and it was at the expense of other (more thoughtful) gifts.

Your friend is a dick. It wasn't her decision to make and I'm surprised no one else pulled her up on it. I wouldn't have wanted this either and it would have made me feel really self-conscious. Agree about the lack of presents, it's nice to have things in your home that remind you of getting married.

The friend knew but still went ahead.