Unwanted videographer at my wedding

I'd be so annoyed at that too. I only had a photographer for half a day. I hate seeing videos of myself

I agree with this too, OP. My lovely dad passed a few years ago and I am so so glad I can go back and watch his speech at our wedding. I was sort of similar to you in not wanting a videographer as I just didn’t want loads of staged shots but he didn’t do that in the end, thank god!! But there are parts of the day now years later I actually really like going back and watching.

You say she’s a great friend; I think this was done without any malice and she’s just missed the mark. Try and move on from this 🩷

YANBU. But it’s done now. What you may find is that many years from now, when some of the people in that video are gone, a moving image of them will be something you come to treasure.

Oh dear. It’s come from a place of good intentions and hopefully you really will value the video in years to come.

In the nicest possible way OP, I wouldn’t worry about the guests wanting a mass screening because nobody really but the bride/groom/parents care that much about a wedding. And I say that as someone married twice.

It’s the matrimonial equivalent of inviting someone round for a slide show of your all inclusive to Tenerife.

"deciding to strike out the friend and everyone else who paid for the video? Does that sound reasonable to anyone?"
where did the OP say she was going to do this? Also for me at my own wedding, knowing there was someone filming against my wishes and not knowing what they were filming, not having had any option to lay down my requirements, and who was STOOD IN MY BLOODY EYELINE AS I MADE MY VOWS.....I think friend and videographer got off lightly because I would have stopped the wedding and had him removed.

TBH, I would have stopped mid ceremony to ask who the hell he was, and ask him to leave as I didn't request his services. But I am that type of person, I halted my mother's funeral because the celebrant got some facts wrong. 😕

This. Although I feel for you OP.

Yes, be prepared for the guests who put towards the videographer wanting to get together to see the finished film with you @banjomonkey .
I understand how you feel, I would have hated it, but they thought they were doing a nice thing I expect.
If you have children in a few years time, they might ask to see it when they are older, and you might then enjoy rewatching it . Hopefully 😊

Which part of having an unwanted camera stuck in her face, meaning she didn't enjoy her wedding in the moment, and now does not have good memories of it, are you not getting?

yes. If this got out then I think its likely to affect his future work.

What an utterly vile thing to say. At no point has the OP indicated she has a mental health issue or body issues. And you deciding she has and using it to attack her reflects on what sort of a person you are. Clearly someone with no empathy whatsoever, since you can't imagine anyone not liking what you like.

have you got any objective factual evidence that her views "completely diverge from most people"? because if not, stop posting unsubstantiated rubbish and rude comments.

The reactions are so ridiculous, you'd think the friend had been caught shagging the groom.

It was a video being recorded that no-one ever has to watch. Not what you would have wanted, but letting it ruined the entire day, the entire wedding, and deciding to strike out the friend and everyone else who paid for the video? Does that sound reasonable to anyone?

God forbid the friend would be upset

I mean she only spoiled the actual wedding of one of her close friends...

I think that was incredibly rude and arrogant of your friend. Like organising a string quartet/ Showaddywaddy tribute band/ red wedding dress as a lovely surprise for someone else’s wedding - it’s inserting yourself somewhere you shouldn’t be. Tbh pretty awful that the videographer didn’t say ‘there is no way I am filming a bride I haven’t got a specific contract with’.

I'd have felt the same as the OP and 40-odd years later there wouldn't be a cat in hell's chance I'd be looking at the video

I would be mortified.

what help do you think yours are, telling the OP that her wedding was indeed RUINED, that you (and others) would be shocked/ horrified/ in tears and that you would have passed out in rage?

It's done? No one can change anything so what do you expect the OP to do? Organise another wedding? Spend the rest of her life thinking her wedding was ruined and forget everything else but obsess about the video?

How is that helpful?

Op had said to friend that she didn’t want a video.
did she?

For those who seemed to have missed that bit

I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.

I would have been so upset too. I was exactly the same. I had a very discrete photographer in the church who got some lovely photos. I didn't want a videographer at all. I wanted to be in the moment and exactly as you say not have someone bobbing about creating distraction and changing the mood. For some people it might be neither here nor there but for me it was a big deal, and it clearly was for you. I am really sorry this happened to you and your polite but clear 'no thanks not interested' was not taken on board. Absolutely galling that friends have spent good money on an unwanted gift. Very very intrusive of your friend to organise this and spring it on you. I am sure the friends who chipped in were not aware of your feelings or even that you were in the dark about it. I would find it very hard to thank her. I think I'd be very noncommittal about it. If she pushed, I'd probably say I didn't want it and I was sorry she'd gone ahead and booked it. Probably not great for the future of the friendship though.

I think you should ask your friend for the videographer's details. Letting him know that you didn't want him there might prevent this happening to someone else and maybe that will help you. It sounds as if you haven't received the video yet and (if you are sure you will never want to see it) perhaps you could halt any more editing work being done and save some of the money? Your friends have thought they were giving you a nice present but it hurts to think they really don't know you.

I’m with you, OP. I would have hated that.

I have a friend who tried surprise me with something recently. It would have been the last thing I would have wanted.

But what hurt me the most was that my wishes had been trampled all over and my friend didn’t actually know me at all if that is what she thought I would enjoy. Thankfully other friends intervened and she was stopped.

I have to say that I have since kept that friend at more of a distance.

It isn't her friends wedding to make that decision. I was a DJ a few years ago mainly performing in weddings. I've never seen a videographer wondering around the venue recording people. Guests took photos but nothing that extreme. I don't think the friend done it maliciously but the op should say something and not pretend.

FWIW, we didn’t have a videographer at our wedding either. For similar reasons. However, a guest surreptitiously filmed the whole thing, got his s-i-l to professionally edit it and the first we knew about it was when a DVD arrived 6 months later. I was surprised how much joy watching the DVD brought, especially those moments of friends connecting which we just hadn’t seen on the day.

I‘m sorry you had the intrusive experience. Maybe the finished product will bring more joy than you expect.

She probably thought OP couldn't afford it and was too embarrassed to admit it and was trying to help her out. I know Mumsnet hates weddings and there is more than your average of introverts here, but in real life everyone I know had a videographer.

Even my inlaws, who had a pretty simple 80s wedding, nothing fancy, everyone came back to their house for the after party, had a friend video their wedding.