Unwanted videographer at my wedding

Er...I didn't say that. I've only made one post on the thread.

You seem to have the emotional intelligence of a rock.

@banjomonkey

Rather than tackling your friend (who should have listened), I'd tackle the person who did the video, because they really should have known better.

I'd get hold of the videographer's details then contact them to say how unprofessional it was for them to "gate-crash" your wedding, and that in future, even if they're asked and paid by someone else to video a wedding, they need to get permission from the bride and groom beforehand. I'd then go on to say that perhaps they didn't notice the fact that the photographer that YOU hired stayed out of your eye line the entire time, only discretely taking photos, and that having to constantly see the video camera bobbing about was irritating, distracting, and detracted from the enjoyment of the day. I'd then say that although you appreciate his actions can't be undone, you felt the need to email to make sure this doesn't happen again to someone else.

As for your friend, you clearly weren't assertive enough, but I do think a lot of the blame lies here with the videographer who should have asked you, as it was your wedding.

We'd have hated this too, OP. It was extremely thoughtless of your friend, regardless of whether it was well intentioned.

I'm also really surprised the videographer didnt even reach out beforehand. I would certainly make my complaint clear to them, if only to spare others in the future.

Ignore anyone who says YABU. In your original post, @banjomonkey , you spoke with great clarity and simplicity about not wanting a videographer, and why. You've every right to feel upset, and I'm really not the kind of person who is normally particularly sympathetic to brides or grooms who insist on their wedding being a certain way. In this instance, though, I am totally with you. What you wanted was simplicity and enjoying the moment, and that was taken away from you.

Due to you explaining in your post so eloquently what your wishes were, I've concluded that you're an intelligent, sensitive and sensible person, so I'm sure (and I hope) that you'll come to terms with this, but you've every right to be sad.

It isn’t AT ALL!

Imaging the OP was saying that her friend had decided to invite a random stranger as an additional guest and they just turned up, the OP didn’t know them, and sat watching the wedding. I bet everyone on here would think that was outrageous behaviour.

But this is much worse - the random stranger invited by the friend is actually at the fucking altar with the bride and groom!!

And all that is before you add in the unwanted video…

I suppose part of my feelings is that I can't say anything to her without upsetting her, and I really don't want to upset her because she is great.

Yes she probably is a lovely friend OP, but she got this wrong. She wanted the rewards of giving you something that was wonderful for her. She was actually thinking more of herself than truly considering your feelings. It was an error of judgement that’s all, but one which has devastated you and your feelings are valid.
You can’t get away from the fact that they will eventually ask questions about the video. If you truly regard them as good friendss then you must speak your truth from your heart.

You really mustn’t lie about it. The only way for you to be respectful to your friend, is to be honest. No need for bad feelings at all. There’s absolutely no shame in telling the simple truth if and when she asks or any of the others ask about it. You quietly respond with your truth and with no apology for telling the truth -since they asked. Just be your lovely gentle self.
She may be upset with herself when she realises but you can say your bit and still keep her close….and reassure her. Tell her you would never lie to her as you love her as your friend and that hasn’t changed.

Then you can all reflect and come to understand each other’s feelings better and move on together much more happily.
It’s the only way.
Unless you dump them all and replace them with a new set of friends and you sound far too nice to do that.

Yes, I agree, and I did actually wonder whether ‘the friend’ was in fact ‘the mil’, but op had changed some details.

Absolutely agree with this! It obviously won't be an easy conversation, but if you're so upset that she did this without asking, then I really DO think you should tell her so, and 'Octonaut4Life' has worded it perfectly in my opinion.

It was an unwanted guest at the wedding, and tarnished op’s day.

nope, it would be a constant irritant like a grass seed in my bra

In real life, I don't know ANYONE who did, including young friends of mine married last year.

This is what makes me think there was something potentially dodgy about the arrangement. Who is this videographer, and what is his relationship with the friend? Is there any chance the friend arranged this in order to do the videographer the favour of a paid gig to advance his business? So it was really for this man's benefit, and not a gift for the OP?

I get it OP. I think your friend’s intervention was bizarre and inappropriate.

The fact it wasn’t malicious is not the point, she didn’t ask you and it was super invasive. In a million years it wouldn’t occur to me to do this as even people who are comfortable being filmed might not want one of the most meaningful moments of their life to be filmed by a stranger.

So I would just tell her the truth, ask for the videographer’s number and ask for it to be deleted.

To boil it down, you have friends that made a gesture in good faith and gave you a gift you didn't want.
I get it, I'd rather have something else! But what's done is done. There was no malice

Replace 'friends' with MIL and I can guarantee your response would have been different!
To do this to someone without their knowledge or consent is indeed 'malice'.

Just to add, this was 50 years ago. I wish now I had a copy so I could see my mum and dad and other family members and friends who have since died. And remember what was a happy day. Maybe I time, OP.

Very good point!

I agree. What reputable company would agree to film a wedding without the couple’s consent. Usually they would want to talk through the details to make sure that they capture the details that are of highest priority to the couple. Would be interesting to see their Terms and Conditions, if they have any!

I’d tell her! She can’t just bulldoze like this through life even with best intentions. I can’t believe none of your close friends knew how you’d feel about this and flagged it. And the fact that is your wedding present! Awful.

I think that is far too personal a thing for a friend to have organised.

But I would let it go. Her intentions were good. You don't have to ever watch it but perhaps one day in the future, a relative might find it fascinating to watch.

Not everyone is obsessed with images of themselves and some people, like me, totally refuse any! When the intrusive video-whatsit was there are she arrived someone should have told them to go away, to invade the ceremony is appalling. If the name of the person is known then I would be putting their name and intrusion on line to warn others of their unprofessional behaviour.

all of this yes but surely for something so important, any sensible person will have made sure that he had the bride and or/groom's permission and not just taken the word of a friend...I mean this could wreck his local rep, especially if she had thrown him out.

but you knew that one was going to be there and, however reluctantly, agreed to it BEFORE the wedding?

Most of the friends and family who contributed likely did so in good faith and would be upset if they knew they had contributed to something distressing. They probably assumed that the organiser had already sounded out the OP to get a sense that the gift would be welcome, even if it remained a surprise until the big day. Or they trusted her judgement as a close friend of the OP.

OP, You might have some legal redress if you genuinely feel it spoilt your day and want to have a go at recouping some money. Check if you had wedding insurance or if there is a helpline with your home insurance if you want to talk it through with someone. But most videographers state in their terms and conditions that it is the responsibility of the client (the friend commissioning the service) to obtain all relevant permissions. Which she clearly didn’t do but sueing her, even if legally possible, would make it harder for you to move on as well as killing the friendship.

This is exactly the point!