Unwanted videographer at my wedding

But had it been me and I really didn't want a videographer I'd have just said to one of my friends "get rid of the videographer, I'll explain later" and they'd have no doubt done that.

Don't be a drama llama. Friend didn't realise and was trying to do something nice. Exactly as the OP stated.

When we got married in the 1980s, wedding videos were still quite rare. We definitely didn't want one as we had been to a wedding a few months before ours where we felt the day was somewhat ruined by the intrusive videographer and the sense that some of the events were being "staged" specifically for the video.

Our wedding was to be in a very small church and while talking to the vicar early on he explicitly said he didn't think videos were appropriate in that church. We assured him we had no intention of having one.

Then a friend of the family approached my DM to say they were thinking of paying for a video for our wedding as a present and she just wanted to check we would like it! Thankfully we were able to gracefully turn down the offer without offending them by explaining about the vicar's restrictions.

Thank goodness though that they had at least the common sense to check first, unlike your friend.

I'm sorry if this is repeating what someone already said - I haven't time to read the 28(!) pages of comments. But I would contact the videographer and tell them that it was inappropriate to video a wedding without agreement of the couple themselves. I would explain the situation about the presents and you never know he/she might have the heart to refund you some/all of the money that should have gone on wedding gifts (sounds like you maybe had a list?). I'm quite a direct person and I would (diplomatically) share my feelings with the friend who organised it. Explain that you know she did it from a place of love and try not to make her feel bad (maybe even say that one day you might thank her for it) but let her know that it feels dishonest to keep your feelings from her. I think she should know that she did the wrong thing so in future she will be more considerate.

Ok I’m just gonna be straight forward here cause in this current day, people are too sensitive and worried about sounding horrible (que the eye roll) even if it’s the truth BUT I would be furious! It sounds like your pretty laid back and not been a bridezilla- if that was me? I would ask my closest friends to come for lunch’ and then tell them how I truly feel. Something like - thank you for attempting to do something that YOU felt was nice but I said I didn’t want that, and you went against the one thing that me and my groom both agreed on, that was really sh**ty! If it was anything else hmmm ok, but you legit did the one thing I was adamant we didn’t want! And you also took away the wedding presents, it’s not about the money it’s the sentimental keep sake gifts that hold the thoughts and well wishes for our big day - you shouldn’t have done that. There are a lot of people on here saying “down the line 10/20/30 years you will be happy watching back” nah F off with that crap, a bride (any person in general) should be able to make clear boundaries and have them respected, whether if anyone thinks your reaction or initial thoughts on getting pics n videos are “weird” who cares?? It’s YOUR day - I empathise cause I too hate being in pics n videos - not everyone wants to put on a show and if anything I LOVE the fact that your wedding was planned around being in the moment and that holds more value over watching a video 30 years down the line (que another eye roll) this generation spend too much time living through screens that they miss living in the moment - so see 30 years down the line? You will remember it more clearly and how it felt - and make it clear you or your husband will not be looking or watching any of it! Please please don’t question yourself - always go with your gut and if your “friends” are not happy and fall out with you ? Then goodbye 👋🏼 they ain’t friends !

A relative of my hubby's decided to do his own DIY video, uninvited or announced at my wedding, just appearing all over with his lens in our faces. There's a lovely shot of me whispering to my hubby 'I wish he'd f* off with that camera' - and yes he caught it and left in the video he gifted us. 😂

OP left the building 5 days ago.

Thankyou for that. It means a lot

I'm sorry this happened, @banjomonkey - it was insensitive and intrusive even if your friend thought she was being generous, she was doing it on her own terms. My DH and I knew we did not want a videographer because of the likelihood of spoiling the actual experience and sacredness of the day for the sake of recording it. I felt beautiful on the day but objectively I was never pretty or photogenic, and I wanted to be allowed to recall the day later with the rosy tints of memory rather than the harsher reality of video. I agree with you that the solemn part of the marriage ceremony should be the focus of your attention because it is a beautiful but serious commitment you are making, and you shouldn't be distracted while doing so.
So yes. Your friend overstepped and bulldozed you into something she would have wanted, and you are right to feel aggrieved. I give you credit for not wanting to call it out and upset her and other friends.

But if it helps.... about a million years ago I took part in a job related passing out ceremony that involved marching (not military). Our turn out and drill were awful and it was only just the right side of comical. We had friends and family present and I was mortified for my DF (ex Grenadier Guards officer) to witness it. We were all presented with a video of the event which I shoved in a box in the attic without viewing it. Two decades later I came across that video and watched it through. It was as excruciating as I remembered. But right at the end I saw several moments of my darling Father- by then 20 years dead- smiling and applauding and looking happy and proud. I can't describe what that means to me now as he didn't live very long after the event and didn't see my professional successes that followed.
In years to come the recollection of your friend's misstep will have faded and you may find her recording of your wedding day brings joy instead to you or others.
Here's wishing you and your DH a long and very happy married life together. 💐

It took years for me to cut the rot out. So family oriented, but no point when you are the only one that gives a fig.
I have my own family, my father told me when I was 11 years old, that I would realise one day that family are as good as families do.

He also told me that I must try to stop pleasing everyone, it wouldnt work and it wouldn't make me happy.

I was 53 before I acted on his advice. Crazy as a bag of Blue Titts!

Yes. Im very happy. People have to prove themselves before they apply
🥰

I am so sorry that happened to you @Suecee 💐 I hope you are surrounded by love, respect and genuine kindness from people you can trust.

I would have hated this too and she had no right to do that on your special day. Sorry,but I would be making it clear to my "friends" that it was totally unacceptable and would never speak to the "lovely friend" who hyjacked your wedding again!

My brother in law tried to be sexual with me for years. He and my sister were swingers and he was a sex pest, jokingly encouraged by my sister as soon as I was 16 legal age.
I loved my sister and fended for myself for the sake of family unity. She knew I didnt want my wedding filmed. I was more than happy having my photographer who I knew was top class.

Bil turned up with super 8 cine camera and filmed the arriving in the car, walking to church and all the proceedings afterwards. He was mostly in the background and we just smiled for the photographer.

The cine camera disappeared after the wedding, was lost for around 3 years, till my parents emptied their cloakroom and found the leather case with camera inside, hanging on one of the illusive back coat hangers

The film was developed and made into a video.... which didnt come into my possession till my son was a year old, 6 years after the wedding.

My sister and bil had done everything possible to keep the truth hidden, but finally I received the video and in no particular rush to see it I finally settled in, turned on the TV and began to watch.

My bridesmaids, my sisters daughter and my cousins daughter, looked lovely, happy smiling and every shot was in full head to toe view.

Then the car rolled into view, the shot of me looking out of the car window showed the car door and my chest but I was headless. Every single frame of my father and I, cut off at the neck! And same all way through the video.
Bridesmaids and family shots, perfect but any with bob and I, headless!

I watched a few minutes before I fast screened and got the gist of the thing then I took the video out of the machine and stored it at the back of the cupboard for future recriminations.

When a year later I met the woman who transferred the film to video, she laughed hard, that she finally saw my face.
You can guess how low I rated her, that she dismissed the fact he had operated the camera many times correctly. It wasnt a fault.

Frankly it rankled that the pair of them did such a thing, I clearly saw it as retribution for not allowing him to defile me, and her for the fact that I didn't allow her to overtake my wedding. Much as she tried to do so and imply she was the organiser.

He died young with a brain tumour. Pretty much all you can say about just deserts, having had such putrid designs.

It taught me to beware who I honour, a relative isn't always who they should be.

So back to your video. If you don't want to watch it, just park it, there may come a time, when one of you passes, that it will be just what you need to see.

As for mine. When I finally kicked my sister to the kerb the video went in the burner. The heat was the only good thing that came of the pair of them.

......or a seed in the bra reminder of what a dick "friend" did.

I'd have told the friend exactly how you felt with what you said in the opening post, if they get upset that's on them, they overstepped massively. If they ever ask I'd say I've never watched it and destroyed it, which I would have done.

I would put it away somewhere safe for years and years. Who knows , when you are no longer young and beautiful it may become an amazing gift. Don’t dwell on it and allow it to spoil your memories.

Although OP's wording is indeed contradictory, it is very clear from her whole post that the videography was a quite devastating blot on the wedding that has done much to ruin her memories so far.

@BrickBiscuit the beginning of the post says she loved the wedding & it went exactly how she wanted 🤷‍♀️ it was filmed, yes not without consent but probably not without malice, a friend doing something she thought was nice, she hit it wrong, but it shouldn’t ruin all the memories she does have. She wrote it went exactly how she wanted it to, apart from that.

Do you think the OP is ever coming back?

Well you’re right she could tell the person, and tell everyone she didn’t want it. But it leaves a sour note about the whole day and might leave everyone feeling a bit awkward. Can’t see that much would be gained from telling.

Oh my goodness OP I feel the same as you about photos and video. People here who are being rude need to first and foremost understand that it’s completely valid to feel like that. Too many people are applying their attitude towards photo and video to the situation. They need to see this from your POV.
i would contact the videographer and ask what papers he/she usually gets signed. I think there are some points around permission to film in private places. what permission does he have to use it or share it or show it to potential customers?
I would be so upset by all of this I would challenge the videographer about my personal data. I am so camera shy and awkward that I would require the videographer to delete any recordings he had of me.
please do this so the videographer thinks twice next time.

why can you not tell anyone? why can you not tell the person who did it? Why does she HAVE to be forgiven?

What a rude and horrible way to completely invalidate someone’s feelings and at the same time show you don’t pay attention when reading.

It wasn't 'just' a videographer. The friend made a decision about someone else's wedding, that was not hers to make. And worse, she did so without telling the bride and groom, so they had no chance to say no, other than to make a scene on arrival at the venue..

The presence of the videographer intruded on the their experience and made it lesser. Stop defending someone who went way over the line.

Well of course not. And they didnt do that. They just paid for a videographer. Its hardly the end of the world. Things n life go wrong all the time. In the scheme of things it's a gesture that wasnt appreciated but it's only that, and catastrophising because of it is first world problem.