Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

Set time expectations, so when you pull him up on it you can be specific. For example if he says ‘I need to pop into the shop’, reply with ‘no problem, but daughter needs to be home soon. It’s 1.45, so back in the car by 1.50?’ Or if he says ‘I’ll cook’ say ‘lovely, I want to be in bed by 10, so can we eat at 8.30?’

I was going to say the same - I have a DH and DD with ADHD and they are both like this. DD’s consultant told me that people with ADHD understand / experience time differently. Still incredibly annoying though, I always tell them we’re leaving earlier than we are because they are always late and soooo slow. Neither of them can do more than one thing at once either.

😂😂😂

same

This would really drive me mad.
i don’t think you’re full on.
not eating til 9.30 pm or later is wrong; elongating your DD’s bedtime routine is also wrong - if he wants to read her a long story then start earlier.

There may be bits where he feels hurried or rushed by you. I say to my DD who can be slower than me - let’s go at 10am and then it’s up to her when she starts getting ready but the cut off to go is 10 / so maybe you could compromise some parts like this if he’s feeling always hurried.
i agree with some posters saying does he have executive function issues and this isn’t helping. Good luck @Rewpf - I think it’s good you’re talking about it.

Did you meet or spend time with him before you got married, or was this an arranged marriage where you never met until the ceremony?

I personally couldn’t handle that. I’m getting stressed out just reading it. Doesn’t mean I’m right, but I would go insane! I couldn’t do one day of it.

I sympathise, OP. My DP can be like this. I’ve noticed it more since we had our little one. Like you, I don’t understand it. He’s late 30’s but he’s so far from being a Duracell bunny. I do wonder, at times, how he manages to get his work done to command the salary that he does.

Firstly, it's reasonable you feel annoyed. It puts more workload on you.

The question - is it dysexecutive (ADHD, brain injury, neurological illness) or is it deliberate (weaponised incompetence plus a belief his personality is the correct way to be).

Has this been lifelong? Has it worsened? What is he actually doing that takes the time up? Staring/frozen/stuck? You mention pauses which does sound somewhat like slowed processing speed. Moving but v slowly? Trying to do half one thing and half another? On his phone? Is work going okay? Do other people notice?

Some things that might help:
Dds bedtime - a visual checklist will help her sequence what happens next. If it's dysexecutive, it'll help him too.
Timers to prompt starting dinner, bedtime etc. he should use an initial and a must start now.
Basically overall he should look up strategies for problems with executive function

Those things are only useful if it's not weaponised/purposeful/for an easy life.

mine is the same - we factor in fanny around time when telling him what time we're leaving & if out somewhere & his goodbye tour is taking forever then I have no problem at all leaving him there

My husband is like this too. And always late for everything. It used to really piss me off but I have mostly accepted it now as that's who he is but it does do my head in sometimes and Ii find myself constantly nagging him to hurry up! But I am like you, get things done fast and chill later once everything is done.

with this kind of this is who he/she is thing, the one question is "is this a dealbreaker?" Because he's not going to change so basically you have a choice which is live with it or leave?

My DH is like this, and I'm more like you. I think it stems from my childhood, we were quite regimented and had to be out the door and waiting in the car within minutes or there would be hell to pay. My lovely DH needs to pour himself a huge glass of water and drink it every time we leave the house, while we're all standing by the front door. I have walked out with the kids a few times, and left him to catch us up. But on the whole i can live with it.
My dad has since married a faffer of massive proportions. He has had to mellow out big time, so people can change for the person they love.

I feel like we’re married to the same man. It is absolutely infuriating but I don’t really have any helpful suggestions. In the time I wash and dress myself and 2 kids, pack any bags for the day n get shoes on etc n ready for the car…. My DH has just about managed to dress himself then it’s the dithering about wondering what trainers to wear. They r all white trainers ffs ! I don’t think he would be able to leave the house in an emergency in under 15 mins

If he hasn't always been like that is there an underlying cause, such as exhaustion, burn out, work stress, illness, overwhelm?

@Rewpf hasn't he always been like this?

It's infuriating, but essentially a personality difference.

DP uses his time in blocks. All punctuated by a cup of coffee. I find that really irritating because I don't need to stop for a hot drink every half an hour! I'd rather get something done then relax.

When we are going somewhere together he announces he's ready to go, I pick up my keys and he's still got to go to the loo, put his shoes on and get his stuff together...so he's not ready at all then claims he's been waiting for me.

He's also a just in time person so will leave going for a train, etc until the last minute which means if there's any kind of issue getting to the station it becomes really stressful. I refuse to give him lifts these days as he wastes my time when I'm ready to go then essentially hanging around for him, then I'm under pressure to get him there in time. Absolutely nuts.

I feel the same reading this. It could be partly due to the heat, though!😂

YANBU

My ex DP was like this. He is a ex for mostly that reason!

I think that there can be different reasons why people are like this. For my ex, I really do believe it was a control issue. He was hours late for everything. It used to make me hopping mad. He didn’t care that I was upset by it.

The issue that stood out to me most in your post is the late dinners. I would be not be able to cope with having a meal that late! That would be the one I would be inclined to tackle first…

This would drive me absolutely nuts, its all very well being laid back but sometimes a sense of urgency is required - like your wipes example OP.

I have a very low tolerance for faffing though - I go swimming with a friend and another of her friends has started to come along and she takes forever to get changed before hand (I go ready with joggers over my cossy), and whereas we used to be in and out in a fairly efficient manner it now takes so much longer - I am thinking of just going on ahead or just going on my own from now on.

You have my deepest sympathy OP, I used to work with someone like this and it nearly sent me into an early grave.
I Must say though, surely you realised this about him before you got married or has he only recently been like it.
i think I’d be inclined to give him a dose of his own medicine - eg why don’t you go and pay for petrol and take 25 mins or leave him holding the baby while you go and get whatever needs getting?
Until he experiences how annoying it is himself then he may not appreciate it.

Omg did i post it yesterday about myself and my husband and don’t remember it?😂

i feel you….its freaking annoying

Has he always been like that?

My FIL was like this, he could faff in between faffs. MIL was always saying he couldn’t rush if his arse was on fire

I don’t have a solution but it’d drive me scatty too

We are like this and it drives me bonkers. I regularly tell him 'let's hope you never have to run out of a burning building!'

I realise this is a worst case scenario thing to say, but is it done deliberately?

It's one thing faffing in your own time, but making your family wait (in a car/while hungry for dinner) seems potentially unkind.

I don't like the way he dismissed you when you raised it, rather than thinking how can he make it better.