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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

338 replies

Rewpf · 19/06/2025 07:49

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

OP posts:
BoudiccaRuled · 19/06/2025 14:20

@Rewpf You need to copy/paste the OP into the thread about how people don't stay soppy in love for decades. It would help her understand why "in love" dwindles somewhat over time.
I have one similar, and it's only going to get worse with age unfortunately. I am very glad of the fact that I also wind him up with my little ways, so it all balances out 😆
It's a shame no one smokes anymore, because you will be doing a lot of standing about going mental so it would be a great hobby.

babyproblems · 19/06/2025 14:18

My DH used to be like this but since we had a kid it’s really put a rocket up him! Christ I don’t envy you op - it’s unreasonable behaviour and you must feel he’s not really behaving as a partner for you. Id be telling him he needs to speed up as I’m not prepared to waste hours days months of my life waiting for him! If he cannot multitask to any degree I’d expect some type of neuro divergence. Seems odd if it’s so extreme yet he’s never had anyone else call him out on it!

Rosecoffeecup · 19/06/2025 14:17

This would drive me round the fucking bend, YANBU

MyHouseInThePrairie · 19/06/2025 14:15

If he can be at work on time, be at meetings on time and generally be efficient at work then I’d suspect he CAN do things quicker but is choosing not to.

EDIT to add:
Start to use natural consequences.
Nappy leak: HE hold tge baby with shit all over whilst you find the wipes. Slowly.
Cooking: tell him. You’re hungry. If things aren’t ready by 7.30pm, you’ll make your own (quick/easy) meal
Etc….

Sharptonguedwoman · 19/06/2025 14:04

Rewpf · 19/06/2025 07:49

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

Op I'm sure you'll have done this but have you tried, 'DC needs to eat by 6.30pm, or 'we need to leave by 12 noon'? Definite times to aim for. I'd be tempted to just leave at the time you said. If he's only go one shoe on, so be it.

Sharptonguedwoman · 19/06/2025 14:02

MoistVonL · 19/06/2025 08:06

I think I’d have gnawed my own leg off in frustration and beaten him to death with it.

I wish I could thank this comment more.

Livpool · 19/06/2025 13:51

I am Luke your husband - I am very laidback and don’t like rushing, though he is slower than me as I don’t cook late etc. You both sound like two extremes - either accept each other or move on from him

AnneMarieW · 19/06/2025 13:38

The walking slowly during the nappy incident is not on, however on most the other issues I feel you are being a bit unreasonable. I’m afraid I have some sympathy for your DH as I am dyspraxic so anything physical takes me twice as long as people who don’t have to concentrate on exactly what their hands or feet are doing (so I don’t trip or drop things). I also have OCD so am easily distracted by intrusive thoughts and often have to concentrate on trying to ignore those thoughts while still accomplishing other tasks.

Your DH might not be diagnosed, but it’s entirely possible he has one of these conditions too - especially at a lower level, as they are fairly commonplace. I manage them by making sure I allow myself more time to do things than many other people would probably need. It still often really annoys some of my family/friends though, (even though I have been medically diagnosed)- because like most disabilities, you can’t fully understand them unless you have them. “Why can’t you be quicker?” Because I physically can’t! 😡 Do you think I wouldn’t like to do things more quickly? Your choice is to do it yourself or give me more time to do it.

Whatwouldscullydo · 19/06/2025 13:37

OhHellolittleone · 19/06/2025 12:43

Set time expectations, so when you pull him up on it you can be specific. For example if he says ‘I need to pop into the shop’, reply with ‘no problem, but daughter needs to be home soon. It’s 1.45, so back in the car by 1.50?’ Or if he says ‘I’ll cook’ say ‘lovely, I want to be in bed by 10, so can we eat at 8.30?’

So basically an extra child op has to manage and do the thinking for.

I've always said, if these men were genuinely this clueless, incapable and useless they'd never have survived to adulthood. Id put money on this being nothing more than purposeful strategic incompetence and a show of his perceived superiority and intent to control his family

JustMyView13 · 19/06/2025 13:37

Weaponised incompetence.

Mymanyellow · 19/06/2025 13:27

Surroundedbyfools · 19/06/2025 12:06

I feel like we’re married to the same man. It is absolutely infuriating but I don’t really have any helpful suggestions. In the time I wash and dress myself and 2 kids, pack any bags for the day n get shoes on etc n ready for the car…. My DH has just about managed to dress himself then it’s the dithering about wondering what trainers to wear. They r all white trainers ffs ! I don’t think he would be able to leave the house in an emergency in under 15 mins

Yeah and you’ve done all the work.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 19/06/2025 13:27

MoistVonL · 19/06/2025 08:06

I think I’d have gnawed my own leg off in frustration and beaten him to death with it.

Posts like this show why we need the laughing emoji reaction back!

BernardButlersBra · 19/06/2025 13:27

Sounds infuriating! My husband does the same and we have twins. He's sooo slow to do stuff, it's painful

Pelvicpaininthebum · 19/06/2025 13:26

My brother is like this. So infuriating. Grrr.

scotstars · 19/06/2025 13:20

Some people are more prone to faffing and it sounds like you are just two extreme opposites

sugarapplelane · 19/06/2025 13:15

This sounds like my DH. Everything takes twice as long with him.
He starts things late so finishes things late. His Mother is the same.
I swear they are both undiagnosed ADHD.
Drives me up the wall

LunaMay · 19/06/2025 13:14

I work with someone like you, it's equally as frustrating and aggravating as the slower workers.

WitchHag · 19/06/2025 13:12

Sympathies.

I live with a faffer as well, drives me nuts.
Doesn’t matter who starts what first, i’m waiting to leave the house, waiting to walk the dog, waiting to get the lights out for bed, waiting at the shop.
waiting, waiting, waiting.

I don’t think faffers realise quite how irritating they can be.

FreeRider · 19/06/2025 13:07

My OH is exactly like this. Nearly 16 years together and I'm surprised I'm not serving time due to it!

He leaves EVERYTHING to the last minute and then wonders why he is late for everything. He allows 15 minutes for a journey that takes 45. We were once meeting a friend of his for a meal and of course we were 30 minutes late arriving - his friend was in a filthy mood (understandably) and didn't hesitate to show it. I felt like I was being blamed as well, and to be honest it ruined the whole evening.

I travel a lot for work so am very aware of the importance of timekeeping. Whenever we travel together he always whines about how 'early' I make us arrive at the airport (about 2 1/2 hours before flight) but I'm not missing a flight for anyone!

I've stopped giving him prompts to get ready now. If I'm ready before him, I leave. He's a grown man of nearly 55, and I'm not his mother.

JLou08 · 19/06/2025 12:57

I felt anxious reading that. I think you need to relax a bit. I'd be really stressed and it would slow me down if I always felt someone was rushing me along

AnonymousBleep · 19/06/2025 12:52

You're not unreasonable. This would drive me insane as well. I like to get everything done quickly and I absolutely can't stand faff. I don't like eating after 7pm either! I'd never have married someone like that though - was it a case that you just didn't notice when the rose-tinted, early romantic days of the relationship was happening, or has he got worse over the years?

LeopardPants · 19/06/2025 12:49

LurkyMcLurkinson · 19/06/2025 08:31

I would have very literal tolerance for someone trying to give me dinner that late or leaving a toddler in a car for that long while looking in a petrol station. Some of the other examples I wouldn’t find quite so frustrating though so I get the impression that you’ve reached a point now where you can’t tolerate this behaviour even in more minor situations because you find it all so infuriating. I think you need to chat with him and explain there are some situations where you can’t tolerate his slowness (like when it negatively impacts your daughter’s routine,
or you’re eating that late or when you have an irritable toddler in the car because he’s taking an age in a petrol station for no reason) but you understand in other situations you can be too full on and rush and you apologise for that. Tell him you’re going to make a real conscious effort to slow down when there’s time allowance for that but he also needs to think about how he can address his slowness in other areas. I’d then implement some consequences for your non negotiable areas if things don’t improve. For instance, if he’s been doing bed time unsuccessfully for half an hour take over and say it’s important x sleeps soon otherwise she’ll struggle tomorrow. Or at 8:30 tell him you’re having toast for dinner and he can use his leftovers for work. Or if he’s wandering around a shop take your toddler in to him and tell him x was getting annoyed waiting in the car but I’m happy to wait so I’ll leave her with you.

So the consequence is that OP has to do everything and eat toast for dinner?! Not much of a negative for her DH!

Yogabearmous · 19/06/2025 12:48

Cattle prod?

Iceandfire92 · 19/06/2025 12:44

This is me to a T and I have ADHD. We have dinner every night at around 10pm, this drives my partner up the wall. Perhaps he has ADHD?

iloveeverykindofcat · 19/06/2025 12:44

He is a faffer.

They don't change. You can either live with it or not. I cannot.

My mother is the master faffer. When I was a child, I assumed that one day I would understand all the mysterious business adults had to do for 30+ minutes after purportedly being ready to leave the house, while we waited by the door/in the car/on the driveway. I didn't know what she was doing, but I assumed it was something important.

It's faffing. Its literally just faffing. If we're going somewhere together, she says she's ready, and I'm still waiting in the car for 30+ minutes.

And I still don't know what she's doing.

I could not live with another adult who did this. I'd either leave or kill them.