Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

Do you say that about the women on this thread who have said they are similar to OP's DH?

Sure. I mean its not hard to think of others occasionally. Want to spend 20 mins slowly and leisurely walking around a petrol station? Go back later when the kids asleep. Dont leave people watching your restless kid in the car .

Set a timer on your phone or something.

If you are incapable of having any sense of urgency when your small child/baby has a nappy full of shit then you hold the baby while someone else goes.

Unless you routinely miss flights, are a no show to drs appointments and hair dressers and have been fired from every job you have had because you can't get there on time then chances are its a choice to make everyone constantly wait around for you and you think your time is more important

Yes - exactly!!

MyLittleNest, your husband sounds like a toddler trapped in a man's body! How can you stand it?

what's MORe annoying is when the man who has grilled a bit of meat, after his wife has bought the meat, marinaaded the meat, made the salad, prepared desserts, poured drins... gets all the praise!

Do you say that about the women on this thread who have said they are similar to OP's DH?

So that's where I went wrong!!

And the traditional way is the women stay in the kitchen making the salads and sides while the men stand outside drinking beer and 'supervising' (watching) the guy who is braaing.

The man who does the braai is the alpha male in the pack haha.

Things aren't as traditional in my friend group, but we do sometimes find ourselves fulfilling these roles and we laugh about it.

South African men usually rely ont he women to take the meat out of the freezer!

I hve not read all the responses. I just want to say that I 100% get this. You could be writing about my DH. On the car one... what drive sme even crazier is that if we're driving along and the conversation is about something that requires actual THOUGHT, he slows down. It's like he can't keep his foot on the accelerator AND think at the same time.

DS has ADHD. We are 90% certain that DH has it too.

I see it as a complete inability to think forward or ahead. So he is 100% in the moment, all of the time. The fact that as a result, even though I said we need to levae for lunch at 12:00, if he is doing something else, he has literally not thought about getting ready until me and DD come downstairs to put our shoes on at 11:55

But quite honestly, a lot of the time, every time something like this happens, it makes me love him that tiny bit less. I still love him a LOT, but the cup can only be be so full and enough tiny drops taken away will impact it.

I am just starting testosterone to deal with a complete lack of libido due to peri-menopause, but my doctor and I have actually discussed that while we 100% can see the hormone impact on my libido, part of it is this issue which we both suspect IS ADHD and part of my "homework" is that as I get my hormones right, I have to talk to him about what HE is goign to do about managing his ADHD which is frankly pissing me off.

I'd be tearing my hair out too!

Re eating late - don't ever go to a braai (barbeque) with a South African man. You'll sit around drinking beer and eating chips and dip, then the brandy comes out, then they say they haven't even taken the meat out of the freezer yet! Only then do they start the fire and have to wait for it to burn down before cooking. By that stage you're full of chips and dip and beer and not even hungry!

Ugh professional gaffers and chronic urgency lacking pisses me right off.

Oh my dh and I are like this too. At my best I look at it as him evening me out and making sure sometimes we go slow and chill, but half the time I really am fit to kill him. He’s just waaaay too relaxed about everything. Funnily enough he seems to do really well at work, but I think it’s more that he just applies himself well to one thing at a time, has surrounded himself with ppl good at being organised and is very good at delegating.

Yep same here ✋🏻 twins and a primary aged child. I try to be patient but it’s hard to not feel resentful when you’ve dressed and gotten 3 children plus yourself ready in the time husband has brushed his teeth and put gel in his hair!!!

OP I don’t have a good solution, other than just focusing on his good qualities? 🤷‍♀️

He sounds too laid back, you sound abit too hectic always rushing about. Both can be very annoying!

honestly you have to leave him to it. nappy emergency let him hold dd and you go and get the wipes.

let him run errands alone. if going to an event, let him make his own way.

don't get drawn into arguments about it, it will drive you mad.
regarding feeding the children, remind him the kids can't wait so if he's cooking he has to start earlier OR let the children wait and he deals with the consequences.

things that are time sensitive do them separately, dont get involved. if he's doing dinner or breakfast for the kids remove yourself from the situation dont get drawn into the mire.

It sounds like executive dysfunction to me. Look it up, it may help.

My MIL is like this. If there was a faffing Olympics she could represent her country.

It drives me mad - it drives everyone in her family mad. I would never, ever, in a billion years marry someone like this. I suspect for my FIL people didn't live together before they married so he had no idea what he was taking on and was too traditional to divorce. I honestly think she faffed him to an early grave with the stress of it.

Same. I felt like I went through the whole thing myself 😅

So the upshot is that you end up doing just about everything as he just faffs?

But he can get to work/appointments on time?

My partner is 💯 like this and it drives me fucking loopy, you have my sympathy!

Me too.
OP this would drive me insane

😂

And you would still be faster than him on one leg.

That would drive me up a wall. Is he that slow at his job?

Dinner at 9:30 or 10pm, his time management sucks. What's your kid supposed to do?

What's he like at work re timekeeping and deadlines? If he's the same, has he had any feedback on how to improve his focus?

I think there's probably an element of learnef helplessness here so he doesnt have to do certain boring fiddly tasks that he knows you breeze through.

You need to talk before you get the big ick

Another one wondering how he copes at work? What does he do?
It stresses me out reading about it!

My DH is not as bad but definitely a faffer, disorganised and can’t do several things at the same time. I am super efficient and can’t stand faffing! I usually just get stuff done myself which matters to me or would cause problems for the kids, if it’s just causing inconvenience for him I let him get on with it in his own time. If we are all going somewhere I keep reminding him every 10 mins that we are leaving at this exact time, if he is ready or not.
He has been told off at work for this as he is pretty much always late and is disorganised, luckily he is very senior/ special skills and they can’t do without him.
It drives me nuts sometimes but I’ve learnt that this is just the way he is.

This is pretty extreme but I can relate. DH walks very slow, and it drives me crazy. If a glass breaks and I ask him to hurry and help with the dogs or clean up, he still moves slowly, and even then stands there sort of confused needs to be told directly what to do rather than just grabbing the dogs while I get cleaning! If he offers to go to the grocery store, I know it will take 45 minutes to get one or two things that I could grab in 5 minutes. He has never been one to jump in and help with getting the family out the door, lik when DC was little he never once helped with coats or shoes or the stroller but would announce, "I'm ready!" while I was running around getting myself and DC ready. Even if he knows we are running late and I have to do three quick things and the dogs need to go out, he doesn't ever offer to take the dogs out or do one of those three things. His only offer of help is to "get the car started." I know he isn't doing this out of spite, but either because he is used to me taking charge (someone must!) or because he is literally oblivious. The other thing I notice is that he just doesn't seem to know what to do when it comes to domestic stuff and it's like he is looking at me to tell him. He's very successful with work, but when it comes to home, nearly useless. Look, it's a MAJOR turn off and I get it. I also feel enormous resentment.

@babyproblems if there are some ND, then up to him to find what arrangements work well further him to ensure he isn’t been a liability to everyone else.

Plus let’s be honest there, taking your time to get wipes whilst your dwife is holding a baby covered in shit isnt an executive issue. Theres an element of choice there