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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

338 replies

Rewpf · 19/06/2025 07:49

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 19/06/2025 18:35

outerspacepotato · 19/06/2025 14:30

😂

And you would still be faster than him on one leg.

That would drive me up a wall. Is he that slow at his job?

Dinner at 9:30 or 10pm, his time management sucks. What's your kid supposed to do?

Edited
Show quote history

Oh joy!😂😂😂

Blades2 · 19/06/2025 18:29

We call this weaponised incompetence in my house.

ManchesterLu · 19/06/2025 18:26

He sounds really annoying, and I could never be with someone THAT laid back. Not saying he's in the wrong as such, just that my personality and approach to life (and, by the sounds of it, yours) wouldn't fit with his. That's all.

Doggielovecharlotte · 19/06/2025 18:25

*impatience

Doggielovecharlotte · 19/06/2025 18:24

Who knows what normal is - more of us should be moving at your DH pace. BTW I had a husband the same so i know what you are taking about and I am more like you. He was right though about how to live - and I miss him every day!

I wonder if your dd is taking your lead

I don’t think one of you is right, I think your pace of life isn’t compatible

also could your obvious patience be slowing him down more unconsciously

Thegreatestgroaner · 19/06/2025 18:23

This is my middle child (DS 21) to a T. Everything, and I mean everything takes him an age to do. I get so fed up of waiting about for him. He can say he’s ready to go so I’ll go and get in the car, then sit and wait for half an hour. He makes us late all the time. I tell him we have to be somewhere at least half an hour before, but still end up late. It’s infuriating, but he’s always been like this. His siblings aren’t.

Whippetlovely · 19/06/2025 18:22

Mum is this you?

Hoping4amiracle · 19/06/2025 18:20

Oh I could have written this (seems like a lot of women could).

It didn’t infuriate me as much prior to having a baby but now anytime we go somewhere I’ve got myself and the baby ready, car and bag packed, lunch and bottles sorted, usually a wash in and the kitchen squared up in the time he has gone to the toilet and showered … I mean what can he seriously do in the toilet for that long!! Xx

starryeyed19 · 19/06/2025 18:20

MoistVonL · 19/06/2025 08:06

I think I’d have gnawed my own leg off in frustration and beaten him to death with it.

THIS

TwigletsAndRadishes · 19/06/2025 18:17

This would drive me mad, but you must have noticed all this before you decided to get married and have a child with him, so I don't think there is much point in complaining about it now. He's not going to change.

LaughingCat · 19/06/2025 18:17

I left a boyfriend because I felt like an impatient little yappy dog, walking ahead and then circling back repeatedly to him because he was So Slow. I couldn’t hack it. I definitely couldn’t go that slowly. I thought I was reasonably laid back but I honestly think he was trying for some sort of slow-mo award. How have you not murdered him yet?!

Also, no way would I be eating at 9.30 - 10.30pm. I feel for you, OP, I’d have ground my teeth down by now.

Rollergirl999 · 19/06/2025 18:08

Don’t know how you’ve put up with that for so long . It would drive me crazy.

carpool · 19/06/2025 18:03

DH is a bit like this but not as bad as the OP describes. Whatever time we agree we need to leave by he will rarely be ready until at least half an hour later. DIY type jobs take forever too but in mitigation he is very thorough and a bit of a perfectionist. My DF back in the day was the total opposite, everything was whizzy whizzy top speed, hardly time to draw breath! I think I am somewhat in between. I have come to the conclusion there are pros and cons either way.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 19/06/2025 18:00

MoistVonL · 19/06/2025 08:06

I think I’d have gnawed my own leg off in frustration and beaten him to death with it.

🤣🤣🤣

Mittleme · 19/06/2025 18:00

Well said I totally agree
the behaviour didn't just pop up from nowhere .
you cant change a 40 plus year old .

tripleginandtonic · 19/06/2025 17:58

You know what he's like so next time you get the nappies and he holds the baby.

gezzab33 · 19/06/2025 17:57

My husband is too slow for me and I'm too fast for him. I don't understand the pace of them either, but I suspect he will live longer than me. Or maybe it will just feel like it....

Bayou2000 · 19/06/2025 17:55

I say leave him now.
It won’t get better. That’s the way he is wired. 25 yrs it took me before I worked it out and extracted myself.

BigAbsolutely · 19/06/2025 17:54

Sounds like poor old sausage has OCD.

Ilikeadrink14 · 19/06/2025 16:11

MsMarch · 19/06/2025 15:40

I may be wildely extrapolating base don how similar her experience is to mine, but I suspect she posted that from a train or something this morning on her way to work, and wont' be online again until later!

Show quote history

You may be right, in which case I will have egg on my face! I’ll wait and see if she does come back, but I’m not holding my breath.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 19/06/2025 16:09

LeopardPants · 19/06/2025 12:49

So the consequence is that OP has to do everything and eat toast for dinner?! Not much of a negative for her DH!

Show quote history

I see what you’re saying but my meaning of consequences was that his dallying about would cause him to lose quality time with his wife and child (dinner time, bed time etc) and he’d have to deal with the mood of the toddler from being kept waiting. I obviously wouldn’t recommend these as long term consequences but the hope would be that in the short term they’d give him a wake up call in terms of how the situation impacts his family.

proximalhumerous · 19/06/2025 16:07

gannett · 19/06/2025 08:06

You both sound a little extreme in either direction.

I'm more on his side - I don't like to do things in a rush (because then mistakes happen and it causes more work later) so if I can think things over and double-check then I will. I can be efficient if I've done this ahead of time and can just go on autopilot. I'm a nightmare faffer leaving the house. I do walk fast though.

DP likes to do things quickly and to be fair isn't usually careless or sloppy, but prioritising speed above all else just isn't the way I can do things. I like to think we've both improved each other a bit, and it's not an issue beyond jokey eye-rolls in either direction.

I guess I wonder how you've only just noticed what he's like? Most people are basically either slow/relaxed/careful/faffy or quick/efficient/organised/rushing, it's not the kind of personality trait you can disguise. You kind of have to accept it in your partner because it can't be fixed either, and if you can't accept it then it's a bad idea to marry them.

Fair enough in principle, but how many mistakes are you likely to make when putting your shoes on or picking up a water bottle? Presumably the OP's DH is past the stage where he's likely to accidentally put his shoes on the wrong feet, or pick up a soft toy instead of his wallet and mobile.

MsMarch · 19/06/2025 15:40

Ilikeadrink14 · 19/06/2025 15:38

So many people on here have asked the OP questions about things she has written in her post.
Has she answered any of them?
NO!
Why do we bother??

Edited

I may be wildely extrapolating base don how similar her experience is to mine, but I suspect she posted that from a train or something this morning on her way to work, and wont' be online again until later!

Ilikeadrink14 · 19/06/2025 15:38

So many people on here have asked the OP questions about things she has written in her post.
Has she answered any of them?
NO!
Why do we bother??

BunnyLake · 19/06/2025 15:35

Rewpf · 19/06/2025 08:00

@DidILeaveTheGasOn yes talked about it loads. He thinks I’m just a bit full on with the efficiency. I just think I’m more normal!

Sounds like you’re both a bit too much the opposite way. My son is a bit like your dh and his gf has apparently commented on it but he said he doesn’t know why girls are always in such a rush (they’re at uni), because I also have to gee him up sometimes (his cutting a vegetable makes me want to bang my head against the wall). They seem to take the mañana mentality very seriously.😖