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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

338 replies

Rewpf · 19/06/2025 07:49

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

OP posts:
LilySLE · 19/06/2025 22:21

Could he have ADHD?

Hopingtobeaparent · 19/06/2025 22:17

MoistVonL · 19/06/2025 08:06

I think I’d have gnawed my own leg off in frustration and beaten him to death with it.

😂

Nikki75 · 19/06/2025 22:15

This would stress me out.. I can get things done quickly.
Has he always been like this ?

PithyTaupeWriter · 19/06/2025 22:11

He seems to be just sleep walking through life. How nice to be utterly unbothered by how his actions or lack thereof impact those around him. How on earth does he manage at work? What does he do for a living?

Meltdownoclock · 19/06/2025 22:03

PDA?

gingerninja · 19/06/2025 22:00

Another thing that may or may not help, my DH has undoubtably got (inattentive) ADHD (DD is diagnosed and they are identical) and I’ve learned that this is just the way he operates and actually he and my DD both struggle massively mentally with their inability to be organised. If someone is constantly chipping away telling you that you should be a different person to the one you are naturally then that is going to have a profound effect on your mental health at some point. School and work has done that to my two and I’ve probably added to it with my irritation of their behaviour before I learned about their ADHD.

MermaidMummy06 · 19/06/2025 21:55

DH is like this. However, when it's something he wants to do, especially around his hobby or his DF, he's super organised and speedy.

It's a choice.

gingerninja · 19/06/2025 21:52

I have the same dynamic with my DH, used to drive me a bit batty but after 30 years together and having been through some shit I’ve learned that it’s just the way we are, neither of us are right or wrong but what is wrong is expecting the other to change to our demands. In the past I’ve felt held back by his indecision and lack of drive but these days I recognise the positive influence it’s had on me at teaching me patience and understanding. Those things you’ve mentioned only really matter in the moment. In the grand scheme of things they’re not that important. When something important does happen in your relationship that might become more obvious. Go easy on each other

RogersOrganismicProcess · 19/06/2025 21:30

Sympathies with all of you who also have a dawdling other half. I catch mysellf hopping from side to side, like some sort of springy speed skater, if I ever get stuck behind DH. My body can’t function going at such a dithering pace.

Shall we start a commune for the efficient and leave them to it?

Lemmywise · 19/06/2025 21:29

My step son is exactly like this as a child and I did point out to my DP, he is going to be some poor woman’s AIBU one day for this very reason. It can end up ruining a lot of things as everyone is frustrated. It is an obviousness to everything and everyone but also if you go slower you have less chance of being expected to do something as someone else will do it faster than him. He knows what he is doing... I have no answer or solution I’m afraid

Yourcatisnotsorry · 19/06/2025 21:26

Tasks expand to fill the time available. It’s why retired people feel like a day with 2 errands is full on while a busy working mum would do them in 5 minutes. Do his slothful ways get him out of housework and errands? If he’s got all the time in the world it’s naturally to take it. It would drive me mad and I’d be constantly shouting at him to fill his finger out. The shop example is super rude.

Blablibladirladada · 19/06/2025 21:26

Not everyone goes at this speed and maybe…maybe if you notice it then it is because you’d like not to have too aswell?

In any case, breathe and ask him to go faster if you really need but then if he isn’t used to…that might create some hurdles and things for you to do 😂😂😂

Dawnb19 · 19/06/2025 21:12

My partner went for a poo when I was in labour and just got back in time for the birth. We arrived at the hospital and got to the room and they said I was 4cm and he asked if he could use the toilet and they said to use the one down the corridor. He was there 20 minutes and my slight labour pains turned into full 10/10 pains. 🫣 I was on pushing the head out when he came back and walked into the room asking if I wanted a sandwich. 🤣 To be fair I didn't expect to go from 4cm-10cm in 20 minutes. But I was fuming at the time.

Daisyhon · 19/06/2025 21:11

It’s just his type . It’s in his DNA He’s a slow coach & has probably always been like this . U are never going to be able to change him . Try to focus on the good things about him , I’m sure there are a lot of positives to him also x

EleanorReally · 19/06/2025 20:56

sounds familiar, i used to go out to the car but would be waiting so long,
now i wait in the house, and walk behind dh to the car, even doing up his seat belt takes him forever
and he always wants a cigarette on the way to the car! infuriating

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/06/2025 20:54

Carriemac · 19/06/2025 20:50

don't you mean 'dolt'?

Show quote history

Its Irish slang for sweet, adorable etc. My Irish great grandmother used to say it about babies!

Carriemac · 19/06/2025 20:50

Buzyizzy217 · 19/06/2025 19:52

For goodness sake, maybe your behaviour drives him nuts, but he’s too kind to say so. He’s a good dad and presumably works, so get over it. Once I’m not at work, I’m the same. Neither he nor me will ever have heart attacks or high blood pressure. He sounds a dote. I’ll have him if you don’t want him. Give the guy a break. Is that seriously all you have to complain about? 🙄

don't you mean 'dolt'?

AgeingGreycefully · 19/06/2025 20:41

I can fully sympathise as my husband can be the same. After 34 years I’ve learned to set out timings so he knows when we’re out the door! It’s hard work. I’ve lost my temper, but it makes no difference after the first day. I know now that I have to talk to him, when I’m not cross, and lay out clearly for him the impact it has on us all, and he’s much better (mostly), and as a result I’m more patient (mostly)! I had to change too though, do you see? You love him, it’s an effort, and for me, worth it.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 19/06/2025 20:37

I'd (rapidly) push him under a bus.

AcquadiP · 19/06/2025 20:32

MoistVonL · 19/06/2025 08:06

I think I’d have gnawed my own leg off in frustration and beaten him to death with it.

😂😂

Applesarenice · 19/06/2025 20:30

Reading this really stressed me out!

Teeteetee · 19/06/2025 20:28

This would drive me to absolute insanity and i would have to divorce him!

Vaxtable · 19/06/2025 20:25

Couldn’t be doing with it. If I am going anywhere I would say we are leaving at xx. Your choice if it’s an hour earlier and you wait, or it’s the actual time and you just go and leave him behind

As to the doors, no way would I eat that late, I would just get something for myself

Wooky073 · 19/06/2025 20:23

sounds like your energy levels are totally different. Also how you do things. Has he recently become like this or always been like this but just now you are finding it annoying? Having a child does mean time is precious and lots more to be done. So it has probably become more obvious. Isnt this just how a lot of men are though? I dont think you can fundamentally change him (unless there is a medical issue that can be 'fixed' ) but you could talk to him but you are talking about how someone is - which is difficult if you are not that way. He could be just doing the incompetent resignation so you do everything? You need to explore a little more

WalkingWavy · 19/06/2025 20:13

My OH is exactly like this. And I’m 100mph. Generally we work around each other but at times it does drive me crazy. I’ve often told him the party/dinner/whatever engagement starts 30 mins before it actually does so we get there in time. When he says “I’m ready to go” I know I’ve got another 20 minutes before we actually leave the house and I start doing some housework so I don’t go crazy