Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

There's a large gulf between not making dinner earlier than 9:30-10:30, or spending 25 minutes in a tiny Spar shop, and 'rushing around doing everything at 1000mph'.

This does sound infuriating! My kids are a bit like this. One does everything really quickly. One really slowly. Can you agree on times for things - e.g. agree to be in the car or leave the beach with everyone ready at a set time? That way you can start to at least highlight where it’s him who needs to start getting ready sooner, or needs to build in more time. You could do the same with eating? Where you can set expectations it might make it more manageable dealing with the times you can’t?!

I feel your pain. Fortunately no kids with my dh and we are retired but I have to bite my tongue and curb my unkind thoughts. A lot.

‘Just a dick’! That made me laugh, but it’s so true.
It crossed my mind though, we only hear on here about the bad ones (obviously). Makes me realise how lucky I was with my late husband. He stepped up to anything and everything, was loving, generous and a great dad and granddad as well. Ok, there were times when I could have killed him, and no doubt, him me, but that is normal and would have been a strange marriage if we had never crossed swords
I really wish all women could have a man like that. I was beyond lucky and we were together for 57 years until his death.

I am sorry after reading your post. I have had 2 bad marriages where both husbands were bullies. Not going further into that. Why the heck are you two still together, when all you can do is complain about him? So he does things slower then you, so what? Why don't you slow down? I am presuming you won't. So it is a case of your way or nothing? What will happen if your daughter does not do things your way as she grows up? I think you need to take a log hard look at yourself, & if you can't accept your partner for who he is, then maybe it is time to end your relationship. I feel very sorry for your partner.

Oh god, the 'no sense of urgency' thing!!

I feel your pain. DH is occasionally like this with some things (not with most though and it tends to be me who's appalling at time-keeping, estimating how long it'll take to leave the house, etc. He tends to build in fake earlier deadlines to accommodate this!). If I ask for something in an urgent manner, it doesn't always filter through. But. Nothing like the OP.

Jesus I would have left him. There’s ’a bit slow’ and then there’s your DP! All of these examples would have driven me to snapping. But…you must have known he was like this before you married him! He won’t change…this is who he is. So you either accept him like this or get rid! 🤷‍♀️

And as for eating at 10.30….just no!! This is extremely in the ‘he can fuck right off’ category! I’m usually in bed by 10 (sometimes earlier) as I’m up at 5am. I eat no later than 7 as it would make me so uncomfortable to go to bed on a full stomach 🥴

"For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way"

You don't say....😂

Seriously, though, like others wondered, ND/ADHD/OCD or similar/combo. When did you first notice this behaviour?

Academia is part of the regular world.

Do you regularly prepare and deliver hour long presentations?
Have you ever designed and carried out research to further knowledge in a given field?
Have you regularly written and published work?
Have you ever marked 100 3k word essays with written individual feedback?

No, didn't think so.

I suppose you're too busy doing a 'real' job. Bet you enjoyed the real money he got paid from his not real job though didn't you?

Did you not know him for long before you married/had DC with this man? Or is this new behaviour?

I couldn’t stand living like this, but I never would’ve married a faffer

Bloody hell. He sounds awful - and selfish.

is he ill?? I used to have a ‘friend’ who did things in slow motion and she said it was her thyroid …

My DH is of the same breed I'm afraid, so at least you're not alone in your frustration 😜 Me I'm more like the Duracel rabbit. We're older than you are, 65 and 67. I'm afraid it doesn't get better with age. Usually I do things myself rather than asking him to do them. On the day I have a TaiChi class untill 5 I start prepping for dinner before I leave. He waits untill I come back to say he can prepare dinner if I want him to. I usually order him to get us some wine 😜

With the exception of dinner and the nappy thing, I’m a bit like your DH. For me, it’s an anxiety thing - I need to do everything slowly otherwise I’ll do it wrong and DH (who, like you, is super speedy) will get irritated and wonder why I’ve done it wrong. He doesn’t realise how irritable he comes across as he says it in a rush and a panic, and I don’t realise how frustrating I am because I’m so focused on being meticulous.

My DD has OCD and it takes her ages to do anything too. I know she is ill, so I have to be endlessly patient but I do sympathise because I like to get things done quickly on the whole. If I do rush her, it leads to lots of issues and upset. It’s hard, because sometimes deadlines are a reality. No idea how she will cope with a job unless she gets a lot better. I wonder how your DH does too?

Lack of urgency with anything would drive me mental.

Cattle prod maybe?

Me too, and I’d actually forgotten this is exactly what my ex was like! I feel quite triggered😠😂

Why do you feel the need to rush everything? I cannot take sides at present but it seems that from his point of view you rush around in a whirlwind for everything and never stop for breath.

Perhaps he is showing you that there is no rush, that taking your time is less stressful, and everything gets done in the end.

What do you do with the time you save, apart from gasping for air?

I mean its possible I guess only the do and the drs will know for sure. However what puzzles me more is how a man is either depressed, anxious, has autism.or adhd etc and its somehow more believable that such a high percentage of men are ND rather than the much more likely possibility hes just a dick. Why can't a man just be a dick who doesn't think of anyone but himself and thinks his time is more important Why does there always have to be a DX?

Especially when many of those who do have these conditions work bloody hard to make sure they do what they need to do.

Is he neurodiverse? Only asking because time blindness is a real thing with ND people. Some, like me are so aware of it, we are super early for everything, other people seem to lose time doing the most mundane of things also, you said about the need to sit and discuss plans - that could be a neurodiverse thing too. Needed to know the plans, make them firm and not change them can be a coping mechanism.
The other thing with nd people iis, for some. processing speed can be a lot slower than non nd people. So it takes us longer to register an instruction or a need.

just a pov

Welcome to the world of men (yes, yes, not all, but most!)
In a man's life, his priority is himself. Once he is happy and sorted, he'll throw you some crumbs of attention if you're lucky. (If you start asking too much, you're demanding)
Yes, when you first meet, he's all attentive and has his White Knight persona flashing!!
But the truth is they are built with a self-preservation sim card. To take care of No.1!!
I'll never understand it. Every marriage bar one that I know, is this way including my own dissolving one. They will allow you to sacrifice sleep and mental health and watch you slowly sink into insanity!!
I used to believe in true love. But now I know the only real love I'll ever know is for my mum and my children.
I'm better off alone. I can love me better than you can........well said Miley Cyrus!!!

I had a friend like this for 20 years until I finally had enough and realised why she did it….
She rushes for nobody. Even if she was late for school, work or doctors, absolutely no rushing. Why would she? She was most important and was someone who resented any form of authority, even if it was her boss or a medical professional. Her time was most important. I was sometimes with her when she was due to pick up her then-primary aged daughter from school and despite the class coming out at 3:10, she’d be casually boiling her kettle or similar at 2:55.
If we went shopping and stopped for lunch and she finished hers first she would get up and say “I’ll be in Boots, catch up with me when you’re done” then walk out (paid, obviously). Arguments with GP receptionists weren’t uncommon and she was aghast that they wouldn’t wait for her…
She once happily admitted that the reason her phone is permanently on silent (even when she had her young child either in childcare or at school!) was because she liked to come back to it and see lots of missed calls & texts!

People who behave like this to the degree that it affects others around them, including their own children and spouse, have a higher opinion of themself than they do of other people, including their own children and spouse……

Reader, this ex-friend is now a NURSE!!!!!
🏃‍♀️…………. 🏥

But, as others have pointed out, that was before they had a child. Easy to be all "go with the flow" faffy when its just two adults who are self sufficient.

Most people realise pretty early on that things change hugely after having a kid. You cant faff or be "zen" at 3 am with a screaming hungry baby. That "the baby will just fit in with us" is hugely unrealistic for the vast majority, at least if they want to be good parents. He seemingly has done what an awful lot of men do after the baby comes along, and made no adjustments whatsoever.

Why do you think that there are so many marriage breakdowns within a few years of the kids coming along? Because mum steps up, dad either carries on as he is or actively steps down, and mum is sick of being left to do all the donkey work?

I’ve put YABU purely because he must have been like this when you married. But I also sympathise - my DH faffs no end even though he’s also doing stuff. There’s no way I could wait till 9.30-10pm to eat - I’d be getting my own!

It sounds like his processing speed is stuck in first gear.

What does he do for a living?