Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

His job starts in the afternoon so he has time to wake up (he's a night owl) and mentally prepare I think 🤔 whereas stuff with me he'd only have maybe 30 mins to an hour to get ready and go!

Did your DH say '' You'll have to wait like your mother did before she had you''? It was kindly meant, I should add.

Funnily enough he manages to get ready for work on time but we've literally lost restaurant reservations and missed trains because of this!
I don't think that's just 'infuriating', I think there's something serious going on. If he CAN get to things on time, why does he choose NOT to with some things?

He sounds like he is severely depressed and/or possibly disassociating due to trauma

(the other possibility is he smokes too much weed?)

this does not infuriate me at all because I have experienced trauma and depression and what you described is a common symptom: slow movements and pauses.

sometimes 2 hours will go by and have no idea where it went

When you have serious trauma you feel almost paralyzed sometimes. It’s like you are moving against the weight of the eorld

my partner was very impatient and unempathetic, like you sound. Maybe try being more connected and less prone to infuriation. Or get a divorce and find MR PERFECT WHO DOES EVERYTHING RIGHT

GEEZ

This! If I don’t get my dog in the car first I’ll take longer and my anxiety level will be through the roof by the time I shut the front door to leave for the pressure to hurry, every action watched, second guessed, I can’t handle. Something will get lost or forgotten. Only I’m a 48 yo neurodivergent so I know why
I had a DH, 45 min showers (who does that?!), must print something off for just about every outing, then have a coffee to check over the print off, then brush teeth again even though we have smart phones and tablets, we had breakfast 30 min ago and should have left already when he decides to open the laptop. Yet will be on time for his appointments and work. When I couldn’t deny the heel dragging was selective and apparent to others a whole lot of other truth came to the fore, it wasn’t meant to be. We’re both happier apart.

Or a fireman! Goodness knows what he will be like when he gets old.

Mine is similar…if we’re going out and I’m getting ready - unless it’s a mega, party night out, I usually only take about 15 mins to get a bit of slap on and dressed etc. I come downstairs, to grab bag to go, then he starts poncing about doing things……going to loo, putting shoes on, changing if wanted, checking directions if needed. FGS do that whilst I’m getting sorted…..I’m then waiting for him!!

My H doesn't usually take ages with everything but definitely the toilet and shopping ones resonate! I take the piss out of him for his 'Aldi walk' (other supermarkets may also be substituted!). We walk perfectly normally in every other situation but as soon as we're in a shop he does this weird slowwww shuffle. Even if we've only popped in for milk or bread or something on the way home so it's not like he's looking at what else is on the shelves! TBF to him about the toilet he does (delightfully) tell me beforehand that he intends to go for a 'leisurely poo' so I can use it first. 🤢💩

Oh and getting ready to go out. He'll put on one sock or something and then watch a YouTube video. Put on the other sock and get himself a hot drink. Funnily enough he manages to get ready for work on time but we've literally lost restaurant reservations and missed trains because of this! It's infuriating.

Oh I’m so delighted to read your post - I posted up thread and I’m same as you - and my hubby was older - I wish I’d had more patience at the beginning - but I’m proud to say I adapted and he taught me a great thing about life - what’s the rush!!!

also my therapist worked with me to just do my own thing and manage it that way - priceless - because he was the man for me - the first time I met him I felt a sense of I’m home and I can breathe

I always said to him I’m gonna write a book “waiting for XXX” like the tv show name - the “waiting” double meaning, because he made my life wonderful and taught me invaluable life lessons - the whole world has got itself in a rush and “we have to”

But we don’t - we only need to rush if we are doing too much, basically having too much stuff, in my view way too early in life - immaculate houses in our 30s

i appreciate OPs situation may not be like this and different context but I just wanted to connect with pp

My late husband was a bit like. I would give ANYTHING to have him back. He was much older, so I know I can't, but now I cannot rush anything anyway, because of my disabilities.(CIDP with extras). Looking back He taught me patience and perseverance without my realising it.

Now I see the world rushing by, and people wanting things done 'yesterday' and I feel sorry for them.

Looks like I'm on the losing side in this debate. I cannot make up my mind whether he is really so slow and precise, or whether you are too fast, because I wonder how you manage to get DD to bed and asleep in 20 minutes.

I can only think that if he is the breadwinner and out at work all day, perhaps he savours putting DD to bed, reading her a story?, spending time with her. He doesn't want to rush the one time he has with his child.

Is that so wrong?

This is the key question here.

You and me BOTH

I'm a speedy person - especially in the mornings when getting the kids ready for school. I put the tv on for them (to stop them from running off before I've got them ready). I can totally ignore the tv and continue to do everything, DH gets absorbed by it - it drives me fucking crazy. I threatened to buy a cattle prod the other day to keep him motivated.

That would drive me absolutely mad OP

I have a friend like this and she also always vastly underestimates how long a thing will take her. I used to believe her when she said ‘I’ll be around in 10 minutes’ only to discover 30 mins later she’d not even left the house. In her head, she actually still thinks it’s 10 minutes though - I don’t really get that. It’s like total time blindness.

But as another PP said, what’s he like at work? If everything takes 3 times longer than it should, I can’t imagine that would go down well with an employer. On one hand, I like the laidback, unhurried approach to life but I also get that it’s incredibly maddening.

Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing? If recent, he could be ill

If hes always been like this, are you simply sick to death of him generally now? Because you must be used to it?

How does he cope at work or is he only like this around you and the children?

Does he got to work on time? Events that just involve him? Is he always slow and will keep everyone waiting or does he just do it to you?

Well, the OP says, 'For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example'.
But in any case, one doesn't need to know how far the other way the other person goes to appreciate that 10.30 dinner, or strolling across a car park while the other person wrangles a baby/small child, is simply too late/slow.

I don't think you are at well suited to say the least.

What do you see in him?

He seems to have upper and be in control. A very frustrating person

Have you ever watched Couples Therapyon BBC2. New series on soon
Gets to the bottom of why couples act out the way they do.

Hope you sort things out and your relationship improves

You dated, married and had a family with this man, which presumably gave you a lot of exposure to his pace. So, why has this become an issue now? Is it new behaviour, or an escalation? Or are you more irritated with habitual behaviour because your own life now needs a faster pace? Managing it depends on which of these is the case. Because if its new, then I think it does indicate something isn't right with him, stress, depression, conditions like low iron, hormones or diabetes could cause this. Or even deliberate passive aggression towards you. If he's always been this way and it's suddenly become an issue, then you need to think why you have less patience now than you have up till now.

Reminds me of when we went to stay with DHs aunt. We had tickets for something at 10am so I’d worked out the timings and we’d all agreed we’d leave the house at 9am, it got to 8:50 and we got the kids ready, shoes on go to the loo etc, aunt is sat there dressed with shoes on, just as we’re walking out the door at 9 she announces if we’re all ready she’ll get changed now and goes upstairs to change her outfit, apparently she has ‘indoor clothes’ and ‘outdoor clothes’ - quite why she thought it made more sense for two preschool age children to hang around waiting for her to get ready rather than the other way around is beyond me.

Yes I agree that eating that late is ridiculous. But, at the time I made my comment we didn’t know whether the op is a 1000mph person - not necessarily about dinner but in general. Hence them being incompatible in this respect - a hare and a Tortoise.

But I agree, there’s no way I’d be waiting till 10pm for dinner. I’d be hangry!

oh Gawd! He sounds like a teenager.. a cross between Kevin & Perry.. 😩🤨🤦‍♀️🤣 I feel your pain.. I’m always sat waiting for my husband & youngest who is actually 21. They know we are off out but sit down between each task.. brush hair.. sit down.. go to put shoes on.. sit down before going to shoe cupboard.. why.. 🤦‍♀️😩🤨🤣🤷‍♀️ is it a male thing! I feel your frustration but definitely sort out the eating so late it’s not good for either of you!

No, what I meant was that the OP wishing to eat dinner sooner than 10:30pm etc is not her 'rushing around doing everything at 1000mph'; it's perfectly normal and reasonable.

Exactly my point.

Have you talked about it properly though? Does he really think you're 'just a bit full on' because you want dinner earlier than 10:30pm, for example?