Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

Give him tot to hold next time there’s a nappy emergency and then go off at his speed to get some wipes. Maybe stop for a chat along the way….

Joking aside, some of this feels like opting out/weaponised incompetence to me. Locking yourself in the loo for 20 minutes to scroll on the phone, probably whilst there are morning chores to get through? Leaving dinner for hours- maybe hoping you’ll that the next night when he offers you’ll say no, because it’s unbearable waiting? You’re then in a position where you can’t say he doesn’t pull his weight, because he does always offer!!!

He’d make a great school governor.

Me too🤣 I've got an aunt like this. Fuck arses around for ages even though she's been moaning at someone else for possibly making her late😒

my goodness, you're a saint. I would have erupted. I really think its because there are no consequences. Just start leaving him. Your daughter must be getting annoyed too.

My DH is exactly like this and it drives me mad too! Not just being slow but a ridiculous amount of faffing too. I'll say we need to leave at 9am for example, and he'll decide that every bin in the house needs emptying at 8:55. He gets it from his DM - last christmas I found the pair of them icing a Christmas cake, 10 minutes before we were due to leave the house. They'd just started, so FIL and I had to stand there with our shoes on waiting 🙄

This comes to mind 🤣

Doesn't DD ever have dinner with you? She won't be able to wait till 10pm!

Exactly the same situation in my marriage. Sometimes I want to poke DH with a cattleprod. You have my sympathies!

Oh no. I had one of these once. Sorry. I know ‘there’s no harm in them’ - as everyone kept saying - but I ended up permanently stressed. We’re not together anymore.

It must be lovely to feel so unhurried, to not have a million tabs open and a ticker-tape of jobs constantly running through your brain. I'm envious of your DH's zen state!

Is this another example of one person carrying the majority of the mental load and the other comfortably drifting along wondering why their partner is so stressed?

Can you passively aggressively play music when he’s doing it? Suggestions from me are Steptoe £ Son theme, Hovis theme, Last of the Summer Wine theme, “on hold” style muzak.

My DD is like this, she has ADHD. It requires constant chivvying, time checking and general good natured piss taking. Thankfully her uni mates have naturally taken over that role!

Put a timer on as much as possible. Might speed him up.

I stopped reading half way through because it honestly just reads like you can’t stand the guy and to be honest some of it you sound a bit much.

I have a similar DH, particularly with feeling the need to stop and discuss rather than just walk and talk. But I’m not going to change him. If his biggest problem is he’s a bit slow then I’ll take that happily.

And I’m sure as shit there’s a whole list of things that irritate him abut me but I very much doubt he’s extensively listed them out on the internet.

My DP is like this, especially the strolling across the car park, my god, I almost screamed out loud once to WALK QUICKER 😂
He’s very laid back, I’m very “people pleasing rush so as not to annoy anybody”.
Neither of you will ever change who you are but with some things you could ask for change. For example, with dinner, you could say “if you’re adamant on cooking, it needs to be started by no later than 7:30pm” that way he can still take his time cooking but the end time will be earlier than 10:30. If he still hasn’t started cooking by 7:45pm then call it and start dinner yourself.

He’s doing it on purpose, makes him feel important.

You’ve got the ick and now everything is irritating.

If he doesn’t start cooking by 7, you do it

It sounds like op already does. It sounds like gradually op will have to take on more and more. It's not really ok

What does he do when it's something that's for him/on hisown? Like leaving fir his job? Getting ready to see his friends? When there's no one around to make them wait?

The lack of a sense of urgency and the complete disregard for anyone and every thing else would infuriate me

This sounds like a subtle way to control the family. He knows it upsets you so does it more. It seems harmless so it’s difficult to call it out for what it is. The best way is not to keep saying anything as this encourages it. Pick the obviously unreasonable one which is mealtime. Be firm on a mealtime which suits you both. If he doesn’t start cooking by 7, you do it - you need to do this it is valid and an important boundary. How this works out will tell you what you need to know about his consideration for your feelings.

This isn't just personality styles. The dp's behaviour means that op has to do all the awkward tasks for the dc.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

This is so unacceptable that he's leaving this stuff to op. Getting small kids changed after swimming is one of those awkward tasks, there's whining and wriggling. You can't do it slowly because kids get uncomfortable and impatient when they're wet and sandy.

This is who he is he isn’t going to change

as you are not going to change this will always be an issue for you

opposites so often attract until they find each other unbelievably annoying …..

I would have very literal tolerance for someone trying to give me dinner that late or leaving a toddler in a car for that long while looking in a petrol station. Some of the other examples I wouldn’t find quite so frustrating though so I get the impression that you’ve reached a point now where you can’t tolerate this behaviour even in more minor situations because you find it all so infuriating. I think you need to chat with him and explain there are some situations where you can’t tolerate his slowness (like when it negatively impacts your daughter’s routine,
or you’re eating that late or when you have an irritable toddler in the car because he’s taking an age in a petrol station for no reason) but you understand in other situations you can be too full on and rush and you apologise for that. Tell him you’re going to make a real conscious effort to slow down when there’s time allowance for that but he also needs to think about how he can address his slowness in other areas. I’d then implement some consequences for your non negotiable areas if things don’t improve. For instance, if he’s been doing bed time unsuccessfully for half an hour take over and say it’s important x sleeps soon otherwise she’ll struggle tomorrow. Or at 8:30 tell him you’re having toast for dinner and he can use his leftovers for work. Or if he’s wandering around a shop take your toddler in to him and tell him x was getting annoyed waiting in the car but I’m happy to wait so I’ll leave her with you.

My PIL have a similar dynamic though my MIL is a master faffer and FIL quite efficient. For them (and us when we visit) it mostly provokes laughter with a bit of frustration but I can understand with young DC time is a bit more of the essence. Last time we visited we had dinner at 11pm after being told it would be ready for 8!!
Ideally you would both be open to influence from each other, you slow down a bit and he could have a bit more urgency. Not sure how you would go about that though!

My DH and I are a bit like this but not to the same extreme, and luckily he's considerate enough that he's noticed it bothers me and now he clarifies eg what time I want to leave and then gets ready by that time. I always cook because he just isn't efficient enough, partly due to lack of practice, and tbh I'd rather do it myself than wait around getting hungry! Bedtime used to be an issue too until I pointed out that making it too long and drawn out was stressing our DC out - the eldest had a v hard time with transitions so taking ages over it made him anxious. Luckily my DH really wants to be a great parent, so he recognised the need to change that and now he sets alarms for each step. To his credit, he's very methodical, which I am not, so we complement one another quite well. Maybe you just need to work out a system by which you can both play to your strengths?