Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

My DH used to complain about this with his dad, now he's exactly the same as his dad was (I daren't remind him!). I'm ready to go out and he finds any number of things to do sooo slowly before he's ready. And the pause for everything I'll go and do xxx, then he sits down, ten minutes later I'll go and do xxx in a minute, and wanders off to the bathroom, 20 minutes later he might actually go to do it. It's exhausting watching him not doing things.

I have a friend like this but she can also move fast - if she chooses to. Does your DH?

Same same same!
I love my boyfriend very much but my god he is SO SLOW! Everything takes a lifetime. He is the chef in our home and a meal easily takes him two hours to cook. When I chop veg the sound of the knife is a rapid chopchopchopchop, so quick, so efficient. When he chops I hear the knife and it pains me as it’s like chop…………….chop……….chop. And I think: what are you DOING? Why is this so slow?
I do the washing up and it’s done in ten mins. If he ever does it for whatever reason (currently 32 weeks pregnant and he is taking on a lot more of the load at home, so does do a few of my jobs now too!) it takes him a good 45mins and then he complains about how long it took. And I just think…but that’s YOUR fault!
Similarly, I do multiple things at once and he just can’t do this. Every time we go out I am constantly sat around waiting for him to be ready. PAINFUL!

I know mumsnet hates it when everyone diagnoses ADHD left right and centre, but seems like it could be. Google executive dysfunction...

I would just have a go at him more often though, you write as though this silently drives you mad but you never say anything to him?

I have a friend like this. When we were younger and used to go out to pubs and clubs she always took forever to get ready. Everything done at an absolute snails pace. She’d tip all the makeup onto her bed and pick up one thing at a time and walk to the mirror then back to the bed, hunt around a bit, find item and slow amble back to the mirror! 30 odd years later she’s still the same and it still drives me potty 😂

t me it sounds as though you do everything in a hurry which I find very stressful. My husband is like that he is always rushing to finish what he is doing rather than be in the moment he is always thinking about the next thing. I think he misses a lot. he never looks at the finer details and can sometimes not do things properly or enjoy things because of it.
I think its just that we see things differenly

DH is like this too. As my Mum says, "There's no rushing Mr Sunshine." I have no real advice, I think it just is what it is.

This made me laugh but I totally agree. Faffers drive me insane.

Sounds like he doesn't have enough on his plate if he can afford to drag every task out timewise. Perhaps you need to unload some of your wife/mum work on to him?

Op. Would your husband post on here that they find you stessful? I am more at the end of your husband for faffing, and DHi is the efficient, fast mover. From my end, I find his rushing to get everywhere quite stressful and a bit disrespectful in that I am expected to run after him when he is walking to get somewhere. I also get irritable when he pacing around because he wants to get on with something (un urgnet) and I am taking a few minutes to sit and enjoy my coffee before staring but I get that my taking ages over something and keeping him waiting is equally disrespectful sometimes. Over the years we have tried to accommodate each other but fundamentally we have nor changed who we are so you need to think carefully whether you can out up with this or not.

Your DH absolutely needs to make an effort over some things, dinner time and bedtimes etc. Alarms and timers can help with that but some of the things you mention seem like perfectly reasonable things to me so you may need to change a bit too, or at least be a bit more patient around his slowness in some instances. That doesn't mean you have to put up with shit behaviour, but what consitutes shit behaviour in this context really is dependent on the specifics of each event.

If you really want to improve things, you need to treat each issue seperately and not make it about your DH being useless and slow. If he refuses to take specific action in specific instances that are really affecting you, then of course that is not on and grounds for reconsidering your relationship. However you also need to condier carefully, how many of these specific instances of his personality are really affecting you in ways you cannot tolerate

I have a feeling though that you have moved from the 'we need to talk about better way to deal with this...' to the 'you ar generally useless' thought process, and that is not a good place to be for your relationship

My relationship is like this - but i'm the slow one and DP is the speedy one.
I suppose i do drive her mad, but at the same time, i also chill her out as my relaxed mode works alongside her 100mph mode.
She gees me up, i calm her down, so it works.
Neither of us do it to exert control or dominance, it's just that we operate on different settings. That said, despite being slow, Im usually ready first as im slow and steady and shes a bit more easily distracted (ADHD)

😂especially whilst waiting for him to cook dinner.

My eldest dc is like this (17). He's so laid back he's almost horizontal and he approaches everything like he has unlimited time. He's totally unflappable, an ultimate calm in any storm, but fuck me, I find the slowness that comes with it frustrating. Dh and other two dc seem to move at normal pace, ds1 seems stuck at rate 0.75.

I feel sometimes that I could scream THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE and whilst everyone else was manically running away, there he'd be, loping away comfortably at his own sweet pace with the flames touching his arse.

No advice, but hard relate!
My mum is like this, and I find her absolutely infuriating.
I was meeting her at a cafe (she was already half an hour late), I watched her park outside, and it took her 8 minutes to get out of her car. Yes, I was counting.
I suspect she has undiagnosed ADHD too, so it may be worth looking in to for your husband.

I don't think you sound extreme - he would drive me mad. Assuming he's always been like it, maybe you've got the ick a little bit now that you have a child. It might have been more endearing when you were both younger?

That would drive me absolutely nuts OP. I'm like you to a fault. Think the thought, do it, done.
I've got a ditherer in my life too. Just a friend thankfully but for instance he once said he'd help another friend carry something. Other friend had gone and got the thing and brought it in before he even got his shoes on. If we're out and i suggest somewhere to go he stops to think about it.

He's even stopped AT A ROUNDABOUT in a busy city because he'd forgotten which lane to come off at.

I've quoted this post because I've also got stock phrases.

'Whyve we stopped?'
'Walk and talk please '
'Do yer sleeping at night'

'I'm leaving in 10 minutes, you or not'.

Conversely, if I am ever late for legitimate reasons (he once arrived to go somewhere with me but a work meeting had over ran, only for some 5-6 minutes) he can't handle it! He paced the room several times looking absolutely bewildered as if this was some huge major disaster. It wasn't, nowhere we had to be or anything urgent. Odd.

Every sympathy OP. I've told this story to people IRL so hopefully it isn't outing. Years ago, we were supposed to drive to Heathrow, a five hour or so drive. As we were slightly near my parents' place (well an hour away), we arranged to stop en route at a pub for lunch with my dad. ExH refused to pack the night before, saying that he had always packed on the morning and didn't need to prepare like I did. The plan was to leave at 10 at the latest. He strolled around packing, then at 10.30 sat down and poured himself some cereal which he ate slowly. When we had been driving an hour, he said "Actually no I haven't" when I asked if he had his driving licence, and we'd have to go back home (we were flying to Spain the following morning and had a car rental). This was before my poor dad had a mobile phone, so he was sitting waiting for us in the pub with no knowledge of where we were. Almost weeping with rage I found the number of the pub and rang it, and he had to turn around and drive home - an hour's drive for him.

The rest of your examples rang bells too. I guess only you can decide that being this wound up with him all the time is the way you want to live your life. For me, the accumulation of things like that soured our marriage plus a whole load of other pressures. If you are already feeling stressed and wound up by the way he operates on a day to day level, when the really challenging things come along, it's even harder.

I presume he was also like this when you fell madly head over heels in love with him and it didn’t bother you enough then (otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten married, got kids, etc), so why is it bothering you now?
I agree with others that you both sound quite extreme. He’s certainly very slow but you sound very stressed and stressful to be around.

I agree it's probably not unique to ADHD - but it is notorious for causing weird extreme end of scale things like this.

Like some people with ADHD can't stop eating to the point they fit criteria for a binge eating disorder whereas others forget to eat and wonder why they are shaky on about day 3 (me), some people with ADHD have to have absolutely everything in the house organised to within an inch of its life because otherwise they can't cope whereas others get overwhelmed by cleaning/organising so get stuck in a cycle of ignoring/not really being aware of the mess until it becomes unbearable and then doing a massive blitz but being exhausted by this and not being able to keep up the day to day maintenance (me).

I am the slow kind and it does drive DH mad (he is a faster, get-it-done type). I have got a bit better at prioritising when things need to happen at a certain time but stuff just does take me longer. I can't even explain why. I think I move slowly and I have to stop and think about where I am in the process or I will just abandon the task half done. But also I can be too nitpicky and not realise how long something is taking. I need time to adjust. Being rushed is one of the most stressful things for me. OTOH I can pull things together at the last minute if I have to and I'm quite good at seeing what needs to be done in a crisis.

I do think in general being more slow and meticulous and faffy vs being more effeicient but perhaps not worrying overly about perfection is just a normal human scale and some people are at the extreme ends.

Compatability issue, maybe? It's interesting that OP and her DH are both such extreme opposite ends of the scale. I think it can work well together but you both need to be aware of the benefits of the other's method.

Mine is like this and he has ADHD.

The dinner and the nappy emergency are completely shit and unfair. Is he not embarrassed to be serving dinner at 10:30 at night? How will that work once you’re all eating together in the evenings? It won’t.

The other examples are more a question of style. I’m the main faffer in our house and I’m also the cook almost every night, I’m often dishing up around 30-45 minutes later than I planned to, but I’m talking 8pm rather than 7:15, I would never do it that late. That’s just rude. Does he apologise when it’s that late? Does he understand it’s a problem?

I would have a serious talk with him, tell him mealtimes need to change, he has to figure out how to make that work when he’s cooking, but that you’re not eating dinner after 9pm any more. Get a couple of long life microwave ready meals you can stand to eat and the next time he’s still faffing in the kitchen at 8:50 with no end in sight, tell him you’re eating something else now and he can have the second portion of whatever he’s making tomorrow, then just leave him to it.

Yeah, you sound very incompatible. I don't see how this relationship can last as you are operating on totally different frequencies. You'll either build resentment that will eat away at how you view him in general and you'll come to despise him or you'll have to decide to consciously change your view of this...or just do things separately i.e cook your own dinner and leave him to take ages on his own, tell him you'll be leaving in 20 minutes and if he's not ready go without him.

I wonder if part of him taking a while is because he feels stressed by what he may perceive as you always rushing him. You find him too slow and that's infuriating and he may well find your way to be excessively rushed and stressful.

My husband has always been a bit of a faffer but now he's got Alzheimer's it just gets worse day after day.
Some things take so long he forgets why he's doing what he's doing if you see what I mean. (Wry and sad smile) 😏🙁

This does sound annoying. But you do sound like you live life at a very fast pace. Somewhere in between the two of you is probably easier.

I wouldn't be eating dinner at 9:30-10:30, that's ridiculous. I would cook myself something separate and save his food for the next night every time he delivers food so late. He sounds quite selfish and lost in his own little world.