Putting a four and a half year old in nappies

I’m sorry you’re obviously dealing with a lot.

I meant that my child has special needs. Unless there’s a medical reason the OP’s child should be toilet trained by now.

I don't necessarily agree that a child shouldn't be going to school in nappies if there is a medical reason for the incontinence. As per my PP my nearly 7 year old has double incontinence and is still in nappies but he has a medical condition and we are headed towards surgical intervention in the long term.

I do agree though that if there isn't a medical condition behind the soilings then every effort should be made to ensure a child is sufficiently potty trained before school. My youngest has just turned 4 (last week), is starting school in September and has been potty trained for 18 months now. Yes he does have the odd accident if he is engaged in an activity but it's laziness on his part and those accidents are few and far between.

ETA - I certainly wouldn't be putting my 4yo back in nappies at this stage and he is perfectly capable to be in pants. He has also been attending full time preschool at his school since September last year and they have no concerns

Can you pop round and sort out my 11-year-old?

Act like you don’t notice but insist he helps. It’ll take longer and stop him from playing.

You need to take your child to the doctor. If your child can’t go to the toilet then he shouldn’t be going to school.

My child has severe autism and was non verbal. I had him toilet trained by three and a half and that was me waiting after an attempt before three was unsuccessful.

I don’t understand why keeping your child in nappies is even an option.

As a parent of a child with a chronic bowel condition that wasn't apparent until after potty training I would 100% take him to see the GP first to rule out anything physical such as constipation. As PPs have said its not always apparent that a child is constipated as the overflow causes them to soil frequently and can also cause urinary incontenence.

Once the GP has ruled out anything physical I would take the next 6 weeks to go back to basics... regularly putting them on the toilet, rewarding positive output on the toilet and including your son in any clean up of accidents

That was my first thought too and my face was 😳

But then I guess it does happen ...

NC for this reply but I strongly recommend you take son to GP. Very close relative who is now 5 was investigated and diagnosed with Coeliac Disease. The runny poos were overflow from chronic constipation caused by the bowel damage from Coeliac.
Edited to say that the child did go back into pull ups which removed the stress and stopped the child holding onto poos . It took about a year once GF to finally get child fully confident with pooing on the loo.

I reckon if it's laziness once he starts school he'll pick it up.
My son was the same he was in pull ups I struggled to train him at home, went to nursery in pull ups and saw the other kids using the toilet and learned within a month.
We still had the odd accident a couple times a week for a bit, so we needed to pack some spare pairs of pants but he soon learned.

We left my grandson till he was seven and then was told by the GP that it was a common curable physical condition. Felt awful that we’d got cross with him and told him he was lazy. Please take your DC to the doctor asap.

We left my grandson till he was seven and then was told by the GP that it was a common curable physical condition. Felt awful that we’d got cross with him and told him he was lazy. Please take your DC to the doctor asap.

It won't be laziness. You need to get him checked to see if there are any issues

I wouldn’t put him back in nappies as it could lead to further regression.
We’ve struggled with constipation and my youngest often had to change at least 2 times at School. I had the same concerns re:bullying. No one notices, the staff were very discreet and no 5 year old ever said to another “I can smell poo” or work out who it is. You still have 6 weeks to crack it. Can you set a timer to remind him to go to the toilet at regular intervals? Echo what others have said about checking in with the GP.

No don’t put him back in nappies. If he’s not got special needs it’s not fair on the teachers. If he’s not got a physical problem, persevere with toilet training.

I disagree with other posters saying it’s not laziness it may be. I’d rule anything else out with the doctors but I know someone several years older who was constantly soiling and it only stopped with threats of no computer if it happened again

Start with talking directly to your don:

1. I am making an appointment with a doctor because I’m concerned that you are having difficulty knowing when to use the toilet. (Make appt)
2. You will be starting school soon, the other children will be using the toilet, they will not be pooping/ wetting pants. They know when their body needs to use the toilet.
3. To get ready for the doctor, I need to keep a chart - each day we will write down when you you the toilet. And when you have wet/soiled pants. First we will stay home a few days, then we will try going out. I will keep the chart each day & also night.

You goal is to make him aware of the behavior you are trying to change, why trying to change, how you identify “problem” and that you can show improvement.

When you get to Dr, you also have data. Tell Dr what you are doing to try to change behavior.

If they refer you to specialists- it will take ages, and while you wait, you are also getting DS involved in making the changes.

At the age of 4, I put dd onto the school timetable for toileting before school, snack time meaning eat, drink and toilet, lunch time meaning eat, drink and toilet and after school eat, drink and toilet. This just got regularity into her body clock. This may or may not work for you.

You can get washable pull ups. They still feel wetness but not quite the mess in normal pants

I’d still be involving him in the clean up. Do it in the bathroom so you can clean up after his clean up if needed. The point is to make it inconvenient to combat the laziness. Also, if he is in a position where he’s still having accidents when he starts school they will expect him to sort himself out as much as possible so best to start that now so he’s prepared.
And @IwasDueANameChange also has some really good advice. If you’ve seen the doctor and definitively ruled out a medical concern then I’d do exactly as they suggest.

My son is disabled he was in pull ups until he was 6. From the age of 3 we offered toilet/ potty but he couldn’t make the connection. That’s a reason
to use pull ups

if you are confident your child knows to go and he’s distracted/lazy I’d go down the route of more reminders/tries and maybe rewards for non accident days but needs to be positive not negative if you go done the reward route

https://eric.org.uk/advice-for-children-with-constipation/ eric website page.

Agree with all of this.

I would visit the doctor to make sure there are no underlying issues first.

Also, assuming there have been no big changes recently? House or nursery move? New sibling? Big changes can cause a regression.

But if neither of these apply, use this method. Don’t get upset with them, just make it a long process of cleaning/sorting it all out so that a quick trip to the toilet seems more appealing.

I don’t agree with JL at all. Maybe if he were 3 that would be a good idea but as you’ve said he’s starting school and you really need to try to have this cracked over the summer. I would definitely take him to the doctor to rule out anything medical going on. Constipation I know you’ve said no but are you totally sure because they can get overflow which make it seem like they’re going regularly but actually there’s a blockage further up and they can’t control it and it can also cause wee accidents. Also, how are you handling accidents at the moment? Being as hands off as you can be so he has to do the work of wiping, changing, putting wet pants in the machine, soiled ones into soak (you do the napisan obviously) should help if it is laziness because he’ll hopefully realise that the toilet would have been quicker.