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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu for saying dd14 has to have a hobby

192 replies

Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 21:59

She has a hobby she moans about constantly she would quite happily give it up -
however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work - if I didn't have this rule she'd be in bed or up the park half the time
she absolutely refuses to do a lot else
because of this she just stays at this hobby she says she hates rather than trying something new

if I give suggestions she says I'm overwhelming her

I really am struggling with the complete la l of motivation she has to do anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:22

Onelifeonly · 18/06/2025 22:21

Sounds about normal for a 14 year old. They are more interested in each other than anything else. A hobby could be something she does at home but it can't really be something she doesn't like - that's just a chore. Presumably she goes to school and does homework. Why can't she relax of an evening?

She just about goes to school with multiple texts to me per day about how she wants to come home
she won't do her homework I try but she won't and it ends in an argument for both our sakes I don't push that - refuses to go to home work club
im having to pay a tutor as she is far behind but ecen that is a fight (just less of a fight than gown work)

OP posts:
SpookyMcTaggart · 18/06/2025 22:21

adviceneeded1990 · 18/06/2025 22:09

The OP has already said that what interests her is sitting in her room on TikTok. Is this what you’d allow your children to do with their time? As has been said, her brain isn’t fully developed yet so the OP is trying to guide her until it is. Nothing wrong at all with requiring a hobby or volunteer work from your teens.

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No, you can't "require a hobby". A hobby is something someone does because they themselves enjoy doing it or find it satisfying. Not something their parents or anyone else thinks is suitable. This girl is 14. Teenagers have always spent a lot of time lurking in their bedrooms. The more she's pressured and nagged about hobbies, sports and activities, the more she'll resist. The most you can do is make encouraging suggestions, without being too obvious about it and guilt-tripping her.

adviceneeded1990 · 18/06/2025 22:21

People stating this girl needs time to herself maybe need to reflect on how much time a hobby takes up! DSD does an instrument, two dance classes and two sports for a total of 6 hours per week plus 5-6 weekends a year for shows/competitions. 30 hours at school and approx 60 hours asleep still leaves her 72 free hours per week to play, relax, etc!

Onelifeonly · 18/06/2025 22:21

Sounds about normal for a 14 year old. They are more interested in each other than anything else. A hobby could be something she does at home but it can't really be something she doesn't like - that's just a chore. Presumably she goes to school and does homework. Why can't she relax of an evening?

Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:21

adviceneeded1990 · 18/06/2025 22:15

Is she addicted do you think? Sometimes a complete detox is genuinely needed to break the cycle! We are exceptionally low screen with DSD10 and because that’s normal to her she doesn’t complain but I see friends of hers even at such a young age who behave like a crack addict if you suggest a screen free activity!

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She completely is
I would love to do that but I just really wouldn't be able to - this is why I'm trying to introduce hobbies etc for her but she literally has lost all imagination

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 18/06/2025 22:20

BIossomtoes · 18/06/2025 22:17

How would you like someone make you do something you dislike for an afternoon a week?

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I'm an adult I have to do stuff I don't want to do all the time! And often it's not even in my best interests like this is for the OP's daughter.

(Also, as I understand from the OP she just has to do an activity. She can choose one she likes. The OP hasn't specified it has to be something she doesn't like!).

Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:19

xPenelopePitstop · 18/06/2025 22:18

however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work

This rule is complete batshit to me.

You’re going to have a very strained relationship later in life if this is the case.

cos I wanted to give her a good start by having a hobby ? I mean I'd understand if I was putting her to work but this is for her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:18

Seamoss · 18/06/2025 22:15

Hold on a minute. What is wrong with talking to her friends on Snapchat or meeting them in the park?

That's not rotting in her room scrolling tiktok, that's developing friendships and social skills (sure sometimes using tech, but that's ok). If you're going to be assigning value to what she does in her free time, spending time with friends has to be on the 'worthy' end of the scale.

Ease up on her.

This is your problem, your fear. Not a problem with her.

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It is if that's the only thing in life - I live in an area where county lines is rife so I really worry about her just hanging around. She has adhd so is particularly vulnerable

OP posts:
xPenelopePitstop · 18/06/2025 22:18

however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work

This rule is complete batshit to me.

You’re going to have a very strained relationship later in life if this is the case.

BIossomtoes · 18/06/2025 22:17

NuffSaidSam · 18/06/2025 22:15

I think it's a perfectly good and reasonable rule. What time commitment are you expecting her to put into the hobby? If it's swim training at 6am everyday, she might have a point, but if we're talking one afternoon a week then you're absolutely right to enforce it.

How would you like someone make you do something you dislike for an afternoon a week?

adviceneeded1990 · 18/06/2025 22:15

Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:13

To be honest I have had to give up on screen time for my own sanity - I cannot argue day and moon about it. All hell breaks loose

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Is she addicted do you think? Sometimes a complete detox is genuinely needed to break the cycle! We are exceptionally low screen with DSD10 and because that’s normal to her she doesn’t complain but I see friends of hers even at such a young age who behave like a crack addict if you suggest a screen free activity!

NuffSaidSam · 18/06/2025 22:15

I think it's a perfectly good and reasonable rule. What time commitment are you expecting her to put into the hobby? If it's swim training at 6am everyday, she might have a point, but if we're talking one afternoon a week then you're absolutely right to enforce it.

Seamoss · 18/06/2025 22:15

Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:08

Tried that when I tell you this girl has no other interest other than talking to her friends on snap chat or meeting them down the park I really am not lying. The hell I have to go through to get her to ecen tidy her room is insane!

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Hold on a minute. What is wrong with talking to her friends on Snapchat or meeting them in the park?

That's not rotting in her room scrolling tiktok, that's developing friendships and social skills (sure sometimes using tech, but that's ok). If you're going to be assigning value to what she does in her free time, spending time with friends has to be on the 'worthy' end of the scale.

Ease up on her.

This is your problem, your fear. Not a problem with her.

Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:15

If I could rip that phone away and chuck it I absolutely would -

OP posts:
Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:14

BananaSpanner · 18/06/2025 22:12

I’m with OP. My son plays a team sport but he’s started to talk of giving up. Problems is, if he gave up, he wouldn’t find new interests, he would just want to spend more time on his phone, YouTube or his PlayStation, none of which is good in excess for his physical or mental health. We’ve said he can give up if he can find another hobby, but he’s showed no inclination to do that so he continues with his sport.

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That's exactly what happens hwre - she just says everything overwhelms her

OP posts:
Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:13

adviceneeded1990 · 18/06/2025 22:12

Could you incentivise her with her screen time? She has to do her homework and keep her room tidy and an hour or two of a screen free activity of her choice per day in exchange for the wifi code?

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To be honest I have had to give up on screen time for my own sanity - I cannot argue day and moon about it. All hell breaks loose

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 18/06/2025 22:12

SpookyMcTaggart · 18/06/2025 22:06

This is ridiculous- she doesn't have to have a hobby, nor does she have to volunteer. You can't make rules and force people to be motivated, the motivation has to come from inside. Back off and give her some space to find out what really interests her.

I’m with OP. My son plays a team sport but he’s started to talk of giving up. Problems is, if he gave up, he wouldn’t find new interests, he would just want to spend more time on his phone, YouTube or his PlayStation, none of which is good in excess for his physical or mental health. We’ve said he can give up if he can find another hobby, but he’s showed no inclination to do that so he continues with his sport.

Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:12

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 18/06/2025 22:05

Just because she has a hobby why do you think she has no time to herself?? It may only be one or two evenings a week….

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It's one evening and some competitions across 6 months

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 18/06/2025 22:12

Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:09

Iv taken her to the theatre ro London or to shows she just sits there and falls asleep, walks she won't go on always I'll, shppping she has a hissy fit. Ecen shopping for her birthday she wasn't happy with! I'm actually scared about what happens if she doesn't have a hobby . She can't cope with any one saying anything she perceives as negative (when really it's not)

Could you incentivise her with her screen time? She has to do her homework and keep her room tidy and an hour or two of a screen free activity of her choice per day in exchange for the wifi code?

Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:11

Lookingforwardto2025 · 18/06/2025 22:09

I agree with you! There is still more than enough time for teenagers to relax. I have never had as much free time as I did as a teenager and I had hobbies.

DS is 9 so not a teenager but we insist on swimming lessons, one sporty hobby and one non sporty hobby. DS does tennis and Cubs. He has also just started bowls at the club in our village as they run a kids session. He still has masses of free time to relax at home.

To be honest at the moment she feels that the school day is so overwhelming she can't do anything else! I'm really worried about how she will cope in the adult world

OP posts:
Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:10

curious79 · 18/06/2025 22:04

Stick with your plan to insist she does something. It’s what she’s always known. Loosen this and it’ll be a slippery slope to your teen being in their room all day doing f’all

This is what I know would happen
im worried about why she just seems so negative about everything

OP posts:
Poynsettia · 18/06/2025 22:09

It might not have been needed in the past but with the opportunity to scroll 24 hours a day I’d say any hobby or sport is better than none.

Original poster
Isntitisntitisntit · 18/06/2025 22:09

Iv taken her to the theatre ro London or to shows she just sits there and falls asleep, walks she won't go on always I'll, shppping she has a hissy fit. Ecen shopping for her birthday she wasn't happy with! I'm actually scared about what happens if she doesn't have a hobby . She can't cope with any one saying anything she perceives as negative (when really it's not)

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 18/06/2025 22:09

SpookyMcTaggart · 18/06/2025 22:06

This is ridiculous- she doesn't have to have a hobby, nor does she have to volunteer. You can't make rules and force people to be motivated, the motivation has to come from inside. Back off and give her some space to find out what really interests her.

The OP has already said that what interests her is sitting in her room on TikTok. Is this what you’d allow your children to do with their time? As has been said, her brain isn’t fully developed yet so the OP is trying to guide her until it is. Nothing wrong at all with requiring a hobby or volunteer work from your teens.

Lookingforwardto2025 · 18/06/2025 22:09

I agree with you! There is still more than enough time for teenagers to relax. I have never had as much free time as I did as a teenager and I had hobbies.

DS is 9 so not a teenager but we insist on swimming lessons, one sporty hobby and one non sporty hobby. DS does tennis and Cubs. He has also just started bowls at the club in our village as they run a kids session. He still has masses of free time to relax at home.