Aibu for saying dd14 has to have a hobby

I did Guides, musical theatre, swimming, ballet and gymnastics until I was 13. From 14-17 I did musical theatre, volunteered at a kids ballet class and had a job 10 hours per week while finishing school, then went to uni. Now outside of work I swim once a week, book club once a month and volunteer with a kids mentoring service twice a month.

DH did football - weekly training, weekly match, extra night of goal keeping academy and swimming. Dropped the swimming at 12, played footie through high school then joined a pub league at 19. Played in a band in high school. Still plays 5 a side football in his 40s and plays guitar.

DSD - instrument, 2x dance classes, gymnastics, swimming.

We’ve both found that having things we are interested in helps us through hard times and builds resilience too. We’re having IVF at the moment and hobbies and exercise and following routines helps keep us distracted and in contact with friends, in a situation where lying in bed doom scrolling is so very tempting.

This . Yes two of my children had a sport they enjoyed and one loved wildlife but did spend most of his time doing nothing..I even gave his friend £10 to get him out for the day.
Does your daughter have friends that she can do something with? Trip into town for a mooch etc ?
My son is now an ecologist and living in Oz ☺️ and enjoying life. As long as drugs and drinking is not involved just let her figure out life for herself.

If you live near school (and it’s state, and you aren’t doing school clubs) it’s more like 8.30-3.30. That’s a lot of time on TikTok,

The other argument is that she’s going to be up against kids for university places, apprenticeships or internships who have a ton of hobbies and accolades in addition to their grades. Many kids I know have county level sport, competitive dance, Scout leadership, music or lamda grades, to name a few. She’ll regret it later if she gives up. Many of a wish our parents had pushed us more when we took the lazy option. I know I do!

I'm massively supportive of this approach OP. Good on you for setting expectations.
She's likely just looking for an excuse to hang around with her friends, of which little good comes at that age unless they are things in common.. like a hobby.

And yes, it prepares one for the pace of adult life. I'd be concerned about a teen with no hobbies.

See that’s a pretty busy life which is great but for a lot of kids, it’s just screens and that is unhealthy.

Role modelling can help. Do you have a hobby, OP? You mentioned that hers is competitive, might she prefer to do it non competitively?
If yours is also competitive she will see that sometimes you lose or have a bad experience and that you are resilient and go back the next week.

For most teens that's school, during term time dd is out of the house from 7:15am to 5pm then has homework on top of that, that quite a lot of being challenged and doing things she doesn't want to do.

😂😂😂😂

I have read some hysterical posts in my time, but this is well and truly up there!

Well done @TheOrbOfTheEmmisary

I wish my parents had made me stick to a hobby.
what about learning a musical instrument? Or the gym?

But we all have to do things in life we don’t particularly enjoy but are good for our development or health (e.g. exercise, new skills that stretch us or training at work, eating vegetables)

The aim of being comfortable and unchallenged at all times isn’t conducive to a successful life. We need resilience, grit and the skill of just getting on with it (not being allowed to just wallow on a screen because it’s easy and comfortable)

The OP is doing the right thing by modelling this one standard.

Also OP your daughter’s attitude towards you sounds unacceptable and I would think about being more boundaried about what you tolerate (I have a daughter of the same age and if she kicked off like that she knows full well the iPhone goes and she gets a brick…)

Your only mistake is calling it a hobby, which implies she does something you’ve imposed on her, for fun.

Activity. It can be a sport, a craft, a project, a group, volunteering, whatever. An activity to get her engaging with the wider world, with her community or with her creativity - it doesn’t matter. But one activity for a couple of hours a week to actually engage.

All my three were expected to do something once a week that wasn’t school, screen or hanging out with friends. My siblings and I were expected to do it at least twice a week and it helped us develop reliability and to discover new things we liked.

Difficult. It would definitely be better if she was involved in something as screens and Tiktok just suck time, energy and motivation away. I work with young adults and so few of them have any interests or hobbies. Very dull of them.

So what have you learnt from that? Forcing her to do things isn’t the answer, yet still you persist with trying. You could suggest something she’s dreamt of doing and she’d probably still say no.

I wouldn't insist on her doing a hobby if she is no longer enjoying it but I would make sure homework is done before any screen time and I would be restricting the time she spends on her phone. If she's always on tiktok and snapchat, there's your reason she lacks motivation to do anything. I know it's difficult but you are the parent and you need to set limits and stick to them. Let her complain, argue, sulk & moan - just be a brick wall and don't budge. Once she's understood that screen time is limited, you might find that she's more willing to fill her time with more useful activities.

My dd is 15. Her hobbies are doing her nails and hanging out with her friends. They go to the park, they go swimming in the lake and posing beside the lake, they go shopping, get coffee, go to the arcade and watch the same series over and over again.

Next year they will all be 16 and getting part time jobs and then before you know it adulthood is calling. The window of time where you get to be a carefree teen and spend your time pissing about with your mates is so short.

So. Let's get this straight...
Children who are usually involved in county lines tend to be vulnerable to seduction because they either really need the money, or they need attention from a kind adult and peer group.
And you want to tell her how to live, pay no attention to her own needs, and isolate her from her peer group. You might as well phone the local drug dealer and hand her over yourself.