Aibu for saying dd14 has to have a hobby

I have adhd so understand how difficult it can be to tear oneself from one's phone!

Swap it for a dumb phone - she can keep in touch with people but it removes the addictive element. Or if you really don't think you can do this, confiscate it for 2 hours a day so that she has to find a way to keep herself occupied - no screens allowed.

She'll complain like crazy at first that she's bored but we all have to learn to be bored and boredom is good for mental health, it leads to creativity so she'll start picking up stuff to do.

If she enjoys the gym but only goes with her friends get her personal training sessions. I can't do the gym on my own, I need some structure so fitness class or pt keeps me motivated (and I can't see her wanting to do fitness classes alone!).

Rather than overwhelming her with choices, give her a limited number to choose from in screen-free time, 3 is fine. If she refuses to do any of them, she can swap one from one she will do but it has to be screen free.

There are lots of books now about living with & managing adhd in girls and women that you should both read (not all of them lol). Studies suggest people with adhd have a dopamine deficiency making them vulnerable to junk food and junk for the brain (social media) because its designed to hit our happy hormones hard & fast. Replacing these with healthy options means we can manage the condition, stimulate and soothe our minds.

Hobbies are good, yes, but so is meditation and mindfulness.

The pomodoro method is great for short bursts of productivity. 20 minutes of tidying is all I can ever manage but you can get a fair bit done in that time, even with distractions. Doing it to favourite music helps. Pomodoro apps available.

I insisted my dd chose a hobby. I didn't care what it was, but it had to be at least once a week.
She went with hockey (I know it's not the mn way to say what hobbies people do)
She loves it

My thought is that everyone has a passion in life, they just need to find it.

If I hadn't insisted, she would have spent all her time indoors on devices

It's essential for mental and physical health for kids to sit in their rooms, on their own, scrolling? Wow.

YANBU OP - teens have a huge amount of spare time especially if they are not engaging in homework or extracurriculars. Obviously workload gets heavier once GCSEs kick in.

Mine are pretty busy out of school - they have kept on various things from primary school days - and so have little time for or interest in social media (no tik tok, snap chat or instagram) and they haven’t even asked for it.
It wasn’t part of our cunning plan, it just evolved that way. I am sure it will all go wrong soon enough but for now it seems to be ok.

Yes, but we really should aim for more than doom scrolling on tiktok all bloody day.

I know I'd rather employ the young person that can tell me about something interesting about themselves at interview.
So, young person A, tell me a little about yourself, what have you been doing recently outside of school work?
"Yes, last week, my friends and I travelled to Any Town and we saw Some sort of interesting thing. It was great fun, we got the train there and stayed for a few hours. I've always liked the Interesting Thing, I actually stated a club for it school".

Same question, Young Person B. "Uhh. Not much. Player Xbox mostly. "

I've interviewed young people, and god knows some are SO BORING. Young lands who do absolutely nothing apart from XBox/PS5. Or 19 year olds who have absolutely no interests.

BORING BORING PEOPLE.

I agree. Dd is 14 plays hockey and does rowing. She has also been volunteering recently - two hours a week in a charity shop, for Duke of Edinburgh award. This has given her a lot of confidence and motivation. Dd actually said she may carry on volunteering once she has completed the required time as she is enjoying it. Otherwise she just stays at home and does puzzles or wants to go on YouTube or watch tv.

It does seem your dd does spend time with people her own age outside of school.

Dd2 is 12 and swims weekly and kayaks. She also does a few after school clubs. We have said for now they need two 'clubs'. They can drop one if they find something else.

I totally agree with you OP.

I think a lot of young people's problems are due to a lack of purpose. I believe having a hobby/ passion in life is vital to mental wellbeing. Ever child has an interest/talent and an important part of parenting is finding it and nurturing it.

No this is the same in Uk. Uni entrance is based on academics, def not extra curriculars (unless they have very obvs connection).

The dopamine hits from social media is making everything seem boring. I had a business that relied on tik tok for a bit and got completely addicted to it. If I wasn't on it, I was itching to get it out of my pocket. Literally always on my mind. I'm nearly 40! Imagine the damage it's doing to teenagers. I completely agree she needs some interests, if nothing else to try to stop everything apart from a screen feeling boring.

I’ve just seen the update that she has ADHD. When you have ADHD the shame you live with is almost the worst thing. It eats right to the core of you. You’re her mum. Please accept her for who she is. My parents were amazing. I didn’t have an ADHD dx as a kid (incorrect bipolar dx as a teen), my parents knew I was different, but they just supported me so much. I knew I was always good enough for them. When I was really into something, they backed it and encouraged me. If they were disappointed with my many, many failures, I never knew it. I’m so lucky that they’re my parents. Yet I still live with deep deep shame cause that’s ADHD.

I agree, my kids have to do a physical activity and a hobby. What about getting a job, would she do that?

Ah OK I'm in Ireland and entry to universities is based on academics only not the scouts or dancing. I didn't realise that was the case in the UK I thought that was American.

Here kids work from 16 and that's where you show your work ethic for the likes of apprenticeships rather than playing the flute or whatever.

Its great when anyone has hobbies, young or old. But in the long run it’s probably better for her development to have a mum who sees her, without judgement.

She needs to find it for herself. It needs to be a her thing not a you thing.

I totally understand re the behaviour issue if you do as I suggested, my ds is similar but that hasnt stopped me if necessary. I let him know what the boundaries are. He kicks off. I remind him that the boundaries I set are entirely reasonable, demonstrate suitable alternatives etc and remain firm.

Being afraid of your dds behaviour if you do xyz means she is holding you to ransom. She is a child, you are the parent.

And yes....... I accept that kids nowadays have phones, screens etc but when they are getting in the way of normal existance its time to put them away/restrict their use for a while for a reset.
Or just let her continue as she is. A hobby/personal interest isnt for everyone, as I said above - her phone, the park - is her hobby. If shes ok with that its not the end of the world but equally........ its far from an interesting,fulfilling life etc. Hobbies and activities make life so much more enriching and for a much more interesting person (and are excellent for a future job/college application)

We have always insisted our teens have something outside of school. It helps stop school being the be all and end all friendship wise, it keeps them busy, promotes motivation and discipline etc. Depending on what it is of course!

It does mean that while they tried out different things over the years we had to do a lot of facilitating...driving here there and everywhere, organising, paying etc.

Is she creative? Would she try an art class or creative writing course or something else non physical?

What did you do around school, sit and stare into space?

Didn't read? Sew? Do jigsaws? Write stories?

These are all hobbies...