Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is very ‘hands on‘ in public and I feel embarrassed

186 replies

RachSmit · 18/06/2025 17:19

My partner is a touchy feely person - I liked this at first as it was affectionate and not over the top. Over time though, this has become more public and I feel like it’s gone too far. I’d mentioned this and he stopped but it has creeped in again and I fear that’s just who he is.

It has developed to things like groping/pinching my bum in a queue despite people being near by, and coming up behind me if I was bent over to pick something up to pretend to hump me.

Yesterday we were walking back to the car after a shop and he slapped it loudly enough for a couple of people near by to turn around. I told him in the car on the way back that it was embarrassing they looked and he said they were just jealous they can’t do it themselves.

I really don’t want to hurt his feelings and surpress who he is but I don’t think I can put up with it for much longer. Do you agree it’s over the top now? Has anyone else had a partner like this and any tips to dealing with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
RachSmit · 18/06/2025 19:36

ShallWeDance · 18/06/2025 19:35

If he doesn't respect your boundaries in public how can you be sure he will do so in private?

Because he is absolutely fine in private, respectful, and sorry if TMI but always wants to make sure I am pleasured and isn’t selfish.

OP posts:
ShallWeDance · 18/06/2025 19:35

If he doesn't respect your boundaries in public how can you be sure he will do so in private?

2025ismybestyear · 18/06/2025 19:34

RachSmit · 18/06/2025 19:33

Sorry, I should have been clearer - I know that behaviour in terms of the public stuff is a red flag, I meant no issues with the rest of the relationship.

But this is a huge issue... and your latest comment has me worried for you.

Fratolish · 18/06/2025 19:34

RachSmit · 18/06/2025 19:28

I’ll definitely bring it up again. I don’t know how he’ll take it, he was a bit taken a back last time. He said on one occasion that in the skirt I had on, no man would be able to keep their hands off me and if I said not to, I’d be a ‘cock tease’!

Honestly though, in terms of our general relationship there are no red flags - he is supportive and caring and makes me happy. This is becoming a deal breaker though.

There are no red flags other than the giant red flag of him having no respect for women or your bodily autonomy?

Original poster
RachSmit · 18/06/2025 19:33

Sorry, I should have been clearer - I know that behaviour in terms of the public stuff is a red flag, I meant no issues with the rest of the relationship.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 18/06/2025 19:32

RachSmit · 18/06/2025 19:28

I’ll definitely bring it up again. I don’t know how he’ll take it, he was a bit taken a back last time. He said on one occasion that in the skirt I had on, no man would be able to keep their hands off me and if I said not to, I’d be a ‘cock tease’!

Honestly though, in terms of our general relationship there are no red flags - he is supportive and caring and makes me happy. This is becoming a deal breaker though.

Every single thing you’ve written is a red flag. What do you think a red flag is?!

I retract my previous comment. Don’t even have the conversation. Dump this disgusting misogynist. And then perhaps look into counselling for yourself? As you don’t appear to see how unacceptable this all is.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/06/2025 19:32

He sounds like he sees women as existing purely for men’s pleasure and as one homogenous group. Who cares if he and his ex were exhibitionists. You’re not her

Your feelings are important here and a man who cared about them would adjust his behaviour. There’s a clear middle ground here where he holds your hand, hugs you and gives you kisses in public. Why won’t he take that middle ground?

diddl · 18/06/2025 19:32

in the skirt I had on, no man would be able to keep their hands off me and if I said not to, I’d be a ‘cock tease’!

JFC it gets worse!

Honestly though, in terms of our general relationship there are no red flags

Apart from this massive one!

2025ismybestyear · 18/06/2025 19:31

RachSmit · 18/06/2025 19:28

I’ll definitely bring it up again. I don’t know how he’ll take it, he was a bit taken a back last time. He said on one occasion that in the skirt I had on, no man would be able to keep their hands off me and if I said not to, I’d be a ‘cock tease’!

Honestly though, in terms of our general relationship there are no red flags - he is supportive and caring and makes me happy. This is becoming a deal breaker though.

So it's your fault if you're raped then too? Nice.

Original poster
RachSmit · 18/06/2025 19:28

I’ll definitely bring it up again. I don’t know how he’ll take it, he was a bit taken a back last time. He said on one occasion that in the skirt I had on, no man would be able to keep their hands off me and if I said not to, I’d be a ‘cock tease’!

Honestly though, in terms of our general relationship there are no red flags - he is supportive and caring and makes me happy. This is becoming a deal breaker though.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/06/2025 19:28

Don't tell him "no" Op, tell him "goodbye"!

You don't want to hurt his feelings?

He's a fucking grown man being asked not to grope/dry hump you when you have repeatedly asked him not to.

He doesn't give a shit about your feelings does he?

Theroadt · 18/06/2025 19:23

Fratolish · 18/06/2025 17:24

Why are his feelings more important than yours? Your body is yours, it belongs to you and nobody else. Nobody should be able to touch you in a way that you don't welcome. Fuck his hurt feelings.

This

ForZanyAquaViewer · 18/06/2025 19:19

WorcsEdu · 18/06/2025 18:50

That’s sounds over the top and like he needs a talking to.

That said, my partner and I are very touchy feely. I think it’s part of what makes us compatible. We always hold hands walking down the street, cuddle, say ‘I love you’ ten times a day. This is after 3 kids and 11 years married. My point is: being compatible on this front is hugely beneficial for our relationship. I imagine being incompatible on this front is equally detrimental?!

Edited

He’s coming up behind her and simulating humping. In public. That’s not in the same realm as what you and your partner do and I imagine he’d be hard pressed to find a woman who enjoyed that.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 18/06/2025 19:16

It’s really sad that so many women feel unable to tell their partners ‘I don’t like X, so stop doing it to me.’ Not ‘people are looking’ or hints or any of that - just straight up, ‘stop’.

OP, your body belongs to you. You have full control over it, you call the shots, he isn’t entitled to touch in any way to which you don’t consent. Ever.

Stop worrying about ‘suppressing’ him and tell him, directly and categorically, to stop. If he doesn’t immediately apologise and stop forever, he’s a piece of shit that doesn’t respect you and you should LTB. There is no grey area here.

Energywise · 18/06/2025 19:13

You don’t want to suppress his pervy ways? Come on wake up. This is disgusting and so disrespectful of you. Don’t you care?

Zezet · 18/06/2025 19:10

If someone did that repeatedly against my states wishes, when they slap me I'd probably slap them back.

If that idea scares you, take that seriously too.

EdithBond · 18/06/2025 19:08

RachSmit · 18/06/2025 18:32

I don’t think doing similar back to him would be any good (obviously I wouldn’t do it anyway) - he said he and his ex could be ‘exhibitionists’ so I think he’d welcome it!

Agree.

The response to sexual assault shouldn’t be to reciprocate, as this could suggest you consent or give permission.

ClarasSisters · 18/06/2025 19:06

I couldn't be with someone who didn't respect me, and as you've told him no and he's still doing it he clearly doesn't respect you. Would be game over as far as I'm concerned.

EdithBond · 18/06/2025 19:05

What you describe is sexual harassment and sexual assault.

www.police.uk/ro/report/rsa/alpha-v1/advice/rape-sexual-assault-and-other-sexual-offences/what-are-rape-sexual-assault/

Sexual assault is when someone touches you sexually without your permission, with an object or body part.

The legal definition of 'sexual' depends on whether a 'reasonable person' would consider something sexual.

It is also an offence if someone gets you to do or see something sexual without your permission.

You should make it very clear to him that he doesn’t have your consent or permission.

And seek advice from a domestic abuse organisation.

Ibelievetheworldisburningtotheground · 18/06/2025 19:05

Total deal breaker.
Make it clear.
If he won't stop, I'd end it personally.

Starlight7080 · 18/06/2025 19:02

Makes you sound like more of a possession of his then a person in your own right.
Especially if you have asked him not too .
Shows a huge lack of respect for you.

cryptide · 18/06/2025 19:01

You need a conversation where you tell him this has to stop. Make it clear that if he won't stop it could be a deal-breaker.

neverbeenskiing · 18/06/2025 18:56

groping/pinching my bum in a queue despite people being near by, and coming up behind me if I was bent over to pick something up to pretend to hump me.

That's not "affectionate", it's just gross.

You've told him you don't like it. He clearly doesn't care about your feelings, OP. I'd be willing to bet this isn't the only aspect of the relationship where he's selfish and disregards your feelings.

viques · 18/06/2025 18:50

Show him some clips of male sheep wearing those coloured markers to show which ewes they have mated with. Tell him that is what he looks like, and how it makes you feel.

Vaxtable · 18/06/2025 18:50

Doing something you don’t like, ie slapping your bum could be considered assault

i would sit him down and tell him that you don’t like it, it has to stop and if he does it again that’s assault as you have asked him to stop and is that really what he wants to do