Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not wanting to stay at her dads

66 replies

2025letsmakeitthebest1 · 18/06/2025 15:10

I have 3 children with additional needs. I split up from their dad 4 years ago but we get on great as co parents now. They go to his every other weekend and every Wednesday night.
4 weeks ago my eldest was diagnosed with heart disease and last night my son was diagnosed with a benign tumour on his brain which may be causing seizures. My youngest also has brain damage and epilepsy.
Life is so stressful and upsetting at the moment. I had a mental breakdown at the start of this year too.
My eldest is 15 and often doesn’t want to go to her dad’s. Most times I’ve managed to convince her but today she is point blank refusing.
I feel really horrible saying this but I feel I need tonight off as my mental health is struggling so much with these latest diagnosis with my elder two. I feel like I’m just drifting along on a bed of worry and fear.
Am I selfish for wanting her to go? Should I push it or leave her stay home?

OP posts:
Original poster
2025letsmakeitthebest1 · 18/06/2025 15:29

Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:27

either way

just think practically - you cannot force a 15 year old to leave her home to go and stay with her dad Op

Vast majority at this age engage with the NRP themselves

I still deal with their dad a lot as my youngest is only 9 and they all have complex health issues that need discussing.
If she was able to be more independent it would be so much easier.

OP posts:
Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:27

either way

just think practically - you cannot force a 15 year old to leave her home to go and stay with her dad Op

Vast majority at this age engage with the NRP themselves

Original poster
2025letsmakeitthebest1 · 18/06/2025 15:26

Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:25

I was on your thread where you were asking whether you’d be unreasonable to have another child 😕

Yep and after talking to people on there I realised my hormones were playing tricks on me and it was a momentary blip. I could not cope with anything extra in my life as I’m struggling a lot at the moment as it is.

OP posts:
Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:25

I was on your thread where you were asking whether you’d be unreasonable to have another child 😕

Original poster
2025letsmakeitthebest1 · 18/06/2025 15:23

Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:23

This is surely not the right time to be trying for another baby with your second husband and Op?

Edited

I’m not trying for another baby. I’m waiting to see a doctor about being sterilised.

OP posts:
Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:23

This is surely not the right time to be trying for another baby with your second husband and Op?

Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:21

sounds difficult

but you just need to accept you can’t make a 15 year old go to her dad’s overnight op. You just can’t.

Original poster
2025letsmakeitthebest1 · 18/06/2025 15:20

Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:17

Well, now Op

she is 15
This is her home
she doesn’t want to go elsewhere
just let her be
not like you have to change her nappy or tuck her in op

Show quote history

No nappies lol but she does need more care than your average 15 year old. Due to her additional needs she’s often awake in the nighttime needing support as she has awful hallucinations and paranoia. She also needs close monitoring with her eating due to her mental health issues. I get that this is her home and it’s where she feels safest but without a break I fear I’ll have another breakdown and be useless for anyone 😢😢

OP posts:
Myfridgeiscool · 18/06/2025 15:19

You and your home are clearly her safe space. I’d let her stay at home.
Can you get some time by yourself at home?

Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:18

How are you actually envisaging making her go op?

surely it’s
“I don’t want to go to dad’s
”really? Why not, it’s your night with him “
”i just don’t want to”

then what?

TheSandgroper · 18/06/2025 15:18

Would it at all be possible for exh to come to you for this once or would it be too far out of routine?

If he could stay downstairs with the children, you could escape to a bath or your bedroom for a couple of hours.

Or would that be just a step too far?

Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:17

2025letsmakeitthebest1 · 18/06/2025 15:15

At what age do I have to accept that she may never want to go and I won’t get any time to myself?
She has ASD and ADHD so can be quite loud and full on. Sometimes I just need quiet and a bit of space.
I love my children to pieces but with all their additional needs it can be very tiring and those short breaks with their dad are the only respite I get.

Show quote history

Well, now Op

she is 15
This is her home
she doesn’t want to go elsewhere
just let her be
not like you have to change her nappy or tuck her in op

Original poster
2025letsmakeitthebest1 · 18/06/2025 15:15

Ihavesomeideas · 18/06/2025 15:14

Altho you understandably need some down time I think I'd keep eldest close tonight. They are no doubt feeling the massive shocks you've all had recently +need to stay close to home. They could be worrying about you , their siblings , themselves or all of it.

That is really insightful, thank you for this ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
2025letsmakeitthebest1 · 18/06/2025 15:15

Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:11

Not selfish for wanting her to go

But keep it to yourself

she’s 15, she doesn’t want to uproot tonight and go somewhere else.

presumably she will just spend time in her bedroom anyway

Edited

At what age do I have to accept that she may never want to go and I won’t get any time to myself?
She has ASD and ADHD so can be quite loud and full on. Sometimes I just need quiet and a bit of space.
I love my children to pieces but with all their additional needs it can be very tiring and those short breaks with their dad are the only respite I get.

OP posts:
Ihavesomeideas · 18/06/2025 15:14

Altho you understandably need some down time I think I'd keep eldest close tonight. They are no doubt feeling the massive shocks you've all had recently +need to stay close to home. They could be worrying about you , their siblings , themselves or all of it.

Blinkagain · 18/06/2025 15:11

Not selfish for wanting her to go

But keep it to yourself

she’s 15, she doesn’t want to uproot tonight and go somewhere else.

presumably she will just spend time in her bedroom anyway

Swipe left for the next trending thread