Daughter not wanting to stay at her dads

People are keen to go through your old posts because they paint a picture. It’s not a criticism or judgement but having 3 high needs children and then moving in a difficult step child and new step parent within 4 years of leaving their dad is a lot. High needs children like you’ve described need extra stability and it seems like your DD has had constant chaos.

The step child definitely is relevant
This DD actively preferred being at her dad’s until recently as a result of how chaotic home life was.
On the thread I was on, she was 50/50 with her dad until fairly recently op?

I did what I was told by parents at that age even if I didn't want to

Do they do full weekends ie Friday to Monday with dad? If not then perhaps they can change to this instead of staying Wednesday nights as the upheaval on a school night is quite a lot for a adhd gcse student

I think the step child is relevant if they are adding to the list of problems. The older child might be wanting to stick with you more due to that child behaviour child brains don’t always go to the thoughts we do which would be escaping to dads but maybe protecting mum or showing siding with him against the issue.

Though for you it’s just giving you zero down time. She doesn’t see it as adding to your load.

It sounds like a very stressful and unhappy family environment.

I am guessing not much school?

its your DH’s son, your sc, that is causing the biggest stress OP (I was on your other thread). Is he addressing that situation ?

Whilst I agree with PP that you can't force her to go I also feel you're not being listened to here - your mental health is rock bottom and she needs a lot of your energy and attention when at home.

Ultimately this could mean she has to go and live with dad when you simply cannot function any more.

You need a solution to this - what does her dad suggest? How is he supporting here? He may not be comfortable in your house but that's the obvious solution.

I have a teen with similar needs, many interruptions during the night, never more than 20 mins without needing a talk during waking hours and noisy and active when entertaining himself. I'm fortunate that whilst he needs me emotionally dh can do pretty much everything ejse when I need time out.

Hopefully her not wanting to go is a temporary thing. I hope you find a solution.

As others have said at 15 she is old enough to make her own decisions. Is it that she just wants to be in your home as that is her safe space or is it not being interested in seeing her dad? If it's just that she wants to stay at home, could you book a hotel for the night and have her dad stay over so he can look after her while you get a break?

I don't know how people find out info about posters on other threads, but if you do have a partner do they live with you and can you trust them with your children to get a break?

How supportive is your second husband?

That sounds really tough!

You're definitely not unreasonable to want the break but I think you might be unreasonable to make her go. Could you explain to her that you need a bit of a break and take yourself off for a bath or relax in your own room and then come together for a takeaway and watch some TV together, maybe something you couldn't watch with the younger ones around

At 15 she really doesn’t have to go anywhere she doesn’t want to.

I think you’re quite a way past the age where you can.

It sucks but a 15 yo in the house is not like a little one - you ought to be able to relax at least after the two of you have had dinner? I know you’ve said she has ND but can she accept when you say “I’m not going to be much company tonight, I need to just have a rest”?

My DD is 16 and has been with me and not at all with her Dad (we are divorced) throughout the whole GCSE revision and exam period. And yes I absolutely crave some totally alone time after such a long period - some time other than when I’m working and no one is in the house. But I guess people in partnerships don’t get that and a 15/16 shouldn’t cause more work to a single parent than they do to two parents, if that makes sense!

I’m a SP too so understand the need for the break. However I think you have done well for your eldest to get to 15 and still be willing to stay over at her dads sometimes. My eldest is 10 and I’m expecting him not to want to do overnights in the next 3 years or so. Sorry I know it’s not what you want to hear.

No one is dismissive the OP

what we are “dismissive” about is the idea a 15 year old can be forced out of her home to visit her dad’s. I asked Op how she saw that panning out in practise but no answer

Some of these replies are a bit dismissive of the pressure the OP is under, especially as a single parent. I have a DD with similar difficulties and unless you've lived it, it's difficult to understand the sheer relentless level of demand that parenting kids with complex mental health issues creates. Even more so if there's more than one child with problems. In the support groups I belong to you regularly see parents driven to the brink, because there is so little help or support.

It's obviously a really difficult time for your family OP, much sympathy. You can't really make her go but I would continue to gently encourage, and if it's not working, talk to her and your ex about other options (like going out for the evening perhaps) that would allow you even a little bit of me time.

Not selfish to want a night off just like any parent.

But you can’t force a 15 year old to go to visitation if they don’t want. All you can do is be an ear and if there is any reason she brings up discuss with ex.

Do you have any services involved where other types of restbite care may happen? Or other family who she enjoys who would be willing to have her one night every so often even if once every few months.

Also what about your DH giving you a break while you even go to a bnb or a mates one night every so often.

Am I selfish for wanting her to go?

Of course you aren't. What an absolute shit show - you have literally been dealt a really dud hand in the card game of parenthood!
Sadly though, as the other PP have said, you probably can't force it. But I am in no doubt that you want and need a break from this crap.

its natural that she will get to an age where she doesn’t want to go. We have had this and my stepdaughter would rather stay in her home town with her friends etc. Key is to make sure she still sees her dad. If she is not going to go there overnight then arrange an evening once a week/fortnight where your ex pics her up and they hang out. Really important to keep that link.

I appreciate you have many other issues going on :(

It sounds like life is very hard for your DD also. With complex needs, MH issues, a struggling mum and siblings with their own additional needs. I would want to stay home too.

Let her.