Daughter not wanting to stay at her dads

OP have you checked out any voluntary respite support you could be getting. In my area there are some teen support / befriending charities that often get a lot of people on a health care track volunteering to gain experience and bulk up CV. Or a more generic family support charity?

You may be able to set something up like a cinema or bowling trip once a week when the other kids are at dad's to give you a few hours.

Take care of yourself, life sounds pretty intense right now.

Can you get a needs assessment carried out by social services to see if there is any respite care available for you? Even if it’s for day trips or a support worker visiting? You can’t pour from an empty cup

Agreed

one would almost be forgiven for thinking it is the OP with the heart disease diagnosis. Added to which, all 4 of the children in the mangled / blended family seem to have had one hell of a rocky time of it

i did read it right then.

yes it’s been a shock, but it’s not about you at this point. It’s her diagnosis and her facing a lifetime of dealing with it.

you’re her mum. She’ll want safety and security which means home.

you’re going to have to put your own feelings aside and step up for your daughter. Don’t make her a problem that you deal with by sending her away.

Yes I bet and very very recent and she is the one physically suffering.
so good grief let the girl stay at home if she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s in future without even considering forcing the issue

She’s 15 and just been diagnosed with heart disease?

as much as you may need some time off I think she probably needs the support more.

It’s not judging, it’s pointing out that you’re not giving accurate descriptions. No one in the world would ever describe EOW + one day (sometimes?) as a 50/50 split. You’re not doing yourself any favours by even suggesting it.

Oh for goodness sakes!

Pointing out the 1 night a week plus EOW is not 50/50, Which is precisely what you said on your other thread, is not judging

although yes…. I think the mess you and these children are in are because you and your partner rushed moving in and marrying and breakneck speed

OP can’t have had long herself to heal from the first relationship. Given it was admittedly tumultuous (at best?) I think OP hasn’t done her own MH any favours and I’m not surprised she herself is also verging on/has suffered breakdowns. These things take time and it doesn’t seem OP has allowed that of herself either. She likely needs her own stability.

And quite honestly no wonder the OP’s mental health is in the gutter. It all sounds utterly bleak

Is it possible to explain to your daughter that people need time to themselves, and not be responsible for others so that they have time to recharge their batteries? I'd imagine with her ASD she may have some understanding of this.
Unfortunately since you and her Dad aren't together you don't get to share the parenting like a couple would, and this is the way you do it.
Not only that, but her Dad loves her and may be feeling disappointed that he doesn't get to see her.
I have a similar family set up (without the health issues though, my sympathies) and have had this conversation with both of my children on occasion.
You're not being unreasonable by having this chat with her. It's a life lesson too, understanding when someone needs a little space, and knowing it's not because of her, but because you need it for yourself.

100% what I’m saying too. Not even a year after the split with their father OP had a new “partner” (boyfriend.) and was moving them in and trying to blend families. Married quick after that and wondering why all the kids are flying off the rails and struggling to cope with life. They’ve not had any amount of stability

This is not remotely 50/50 1 night a week plus EOW!

Oh and on the other thread I was on earlier this year you said you’d been together 3 years

either way breakneck speed to meet, move and marry a man, who has a troubled child of his own (and he doesn’t work or drive!) and so all I’m saying is… this all sounds very chaotic but not just for you OP and so if your children don’t want to gather their bits and traipse off to dad again…. You let them stay

Ok but you said on the other thread that it was “back to normal 50/50” 🤷

I’m not meaning to judge and of course life happens but 4 years is a very short space of time from their father leaving to having a new step dad and step sibling. To talk about it being “blended” is unrealistic in this time frame particularly when you say they had strong negative feelings and lots to work through re their own DF. They’re clearly still adjusting to all of it and it seems like the whirlwind of change hasn’t stopped. Your SS being problematic adds to their constant turmoil and uncertainty. Your home went from being your DD’s only safe space (while hating her DF) to being somewhere she couldn’t feel safe at all. She had to escape your home and spend time with the father she has mixed feelings for all because yet another volatile male was pushed into her living situation.

The children seeming happy about it in the honeymoon isn’t a green light to get married and force everyone to live together before it’s stood any test of time.

That does sound hard @2025letsmakeitthebest1 sorry I can't help. Does she have a friend she could stay over with occasionally, or would you just worry then?

You need to prioritise your health at least some of the time.

I know it can be difficult to talk about abstract things with someone who has ASD.

Can you explain it as you need some quiet time, that if you had something like cold you would need rest and fluids, this is your mental health, you need rest and quiet.

Ask her what she can do to help?

I also agree that she may be worrying about you and her siblings.