Death of a grandparent triggered worry about parents

I’m with @Fourteenandahalf - my mum died when I was 30 and within 2 years also my dad. If you had asked me if I could have coped with it, i would have said no way. But you have to - so you do. There is no other option. Try not to think about it and enjoy them while they are around. Make Sure you have no regrets later and find out as much as you can about them.

I lost my first grandparent when I was 23, then I lost the other 3 within 6 months of me being 31/32. My dad was 63 when he lost his parents which is a fantastic age to get to having parents. My mum died when I was 39 and my dad is now 78 and has dementia so don't know how long we will have my dad remembering us. He has forgot grandkids names, he knows who they are just not names. My kids are 17,:21 and 23 and have I grandparent, I feel so sad for them as they were so young when the grandparents died they have no memories like what I had with my Grandparents.

My parents didn’t have me till they were over 40. My Mother died at 94 and my Father at 84. I am extremely lucky they were long lived. Just be glad your parents had you young.

My DD died and I have had some friends die very young as has DH. When people reach a great age it’s to be celebrated.

I'm in the unfortunate position that my first bereavement will likely be one of my parents, all of my Grandparents were gone before I was born and the only other family I have is my sister (and now my husband and kids) so I only have 3 family members who I am very very close to.

I lost my younger brother when he was 28, from cancer. I was 31 with a 9 month old baby when he passed and spent months in grief counseling trying to make sense of it all.
I had a massive existential crisis, with the realisation it could have been me, or worse, my baby. It seemed to senseless and arbitrary. A person who was a piece of me and all my memories, was no longer part of life.

I was terrified of death from then, terrified something would happen to me, or worse my child and I wouldn’t be able to cope.

I just had to work through it. Nowadays I have less of a fear of death, and more a fear of suffering painfully having experienced a life poorly lived.

I promised my brother I’d take him everywhere with me, and live a life worthy of his memory. So I do. It’s how I keep the fear at bay. I do it, because he never got the chance to.

I think the first loss is always the hardest so I'm not surprised you're having this reaction. Probably part of the grieving process. Just give it time! I'm sorry for your loss

You are blessed to have had your grandparents in your life - I knew none of mine. The only thing you can do is enjoy the time with your parents. I am also very close to my DD (I’m 63, she’s just turned 20), and as her father died when she was little we are extremely close. I do worry about how she’ll cope when I go, but all I can do is get my house in order so there’s not a nightmare amount of stuff to go through, take care of my health, and enjoy our time together (she’s off at uni now, leading a very full life. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m the only thing she has).

Very sorry you lost your grandparent.

My mum died when I was 32. I thought I wouldn't cope if that happened , but you do.

My own mum died a couple of years ago and I'm consumed with worry about the remaining 'parents' in our family - I have my dad plus sm and sd, my in-laws and step-in-laws.

It's also really made me think about my own mortality and how that will impact my dc.

I think you should look at it a different way. You're 35 which isn't that young and only really experiencing a grief or bereavement now? I would say that's quite lucky. Both my grandparents died when I was 21. My other grandparents died before I was born. Majority of my friends don't have grandparents anymore and several others have lost a parent. My Mum died when I was 29. I just have my Dad now who is 65 and in okay health. I'm 31 so younger than you and all I can say is that... it's life... no point being afraid but it won't do you harm appreciating quality time with loved ones.

It's always a shock when you see the 'chain' of generations falling away.

As well as the obvious sadness of losing a loved one at any age, once your grandparents start to die, you realise that it's your parents' generation next; then after that, it's yours.

I think it must be a very scary situation when you start losing siblings and cousins to natural old age - unless they're somehow decades older than you are.

I'm not wanting to minimise your feelings in any way, but you just have to find a way to manage your grief and come to terms with how life goes.

Then again, as PP said, any of us could go at any time, whether through illness, an accident or other tragic circumstances. My DGM survived both of her children - one by 70 years and the other by 21 years - which I think must be unimaginably worse than the 'normal' way.

Experiencing the death of someone close for the first time can be quite a shock. We know it happens but somehow pretend it won't happen to us. I lost a good schoolfriend at 17 in a car accident and then someone I loved very much when I was 22, he took his own life and that made it even harder to bear, but I think these woke me up to how fragile life can be. I've never taken that for granted since.

However to pick up on your point about how close you are to your mum. I think you need to start expanding your circle of close friends. It sounds a bit unhealthy to see her as you "best friend" and closest support. Most adults develop a (often small) circle of people we can rely on for different things. Putting all your emotional needs onto one person, especially a parent, will lead to you finding even more difficult when she does, inevitably, pass away. Perhaps I'm wrong because I didn’t have a close relationship with my parents, or indeed siblings, but something for you to consider?

If your parents live to their 90s, you’ll be really lucky. Don’t waste these good years worrying about the inevitable which may well be decades away.

My parents died recently, well into their 90s. They lived good, long lives without mental or physical impairment. I can only think how lucky they and we were.

Sorry for your loss. I totally understand your feelings and really sympathise. I am also.mid thirties. I speak from experience here - I lost my mum, who was in good health, after a short illness at the age of 60 a couple of years ago. I felt the same as you - didnt know how I would cope. But the reality is that you just do. And life does go on. My husband also lost his father, who was in good health, 3 weeks ago, at the age of 62, after a short illness. (Aggressive cancers for both) Im not trying to scare you, but actually se have both realised that there it's natural to worry, but actually there's no way to influence this stuff, and no way to predict what will happen. So try to let go of the worry if you can, and , if you are finding it debilitating in a few months time, maybe seek some help. It's totally understandable, so don't bear yourself up about it, but equally, you will cope with whatever life throws at you.

In periods of grief it's very normal to feel more worried, so I think the priority is to focus on your grief and care for yourself.

When your grief subsides, your worry will hopefully also subside.

If it doesn't, then you may need to review and get support.

Grief is extremely unsettling and destabilising, and it's ok to allow that to work through in its own time.

Sorry for your loss.