Life-a boring, monotonous HELL

I'm not a single mum, but I am a mum to a 4 year old with a DH who travels alot for work and I find it can be mind numbing drudgery. Some ideas...

• sign your daughter up to a weekend activity, whatever she's in to - could be sewing club, swimming, sport - choose a drop off one so you can have some alone time. If she's not up for it try and get one of her friends onboard too
• what about joining a david lloyd gym if there's one nearby, they often have childcare so you can work out too

• play dates with friends- she's old enough for a drop off playdate with a friend, and you reciprocate etc
• could she go to the cinema with a friend? -You drop them off, watch them go in, pick them up after?

You need to prioritise yourself too. It's hard when your carrying it all and are exhausted. I often find i get stuck in a rut/bad head space and the things that bring me out of it are exercise and doing things for myself - could be as small as sitting in the sun, getting my favourite drink from the cafe, reading a newspaper in peace and quiet. Get a babysitter if you can afford it or set yourself a goal of going out at least once a month and trying it. If youre not enjoying it, change something.

One tip from CBT is to make a time table. Force yourself. Factor in some good stuff.

Life gets better from when your dc is about 10.

You can leave them for an hour to go for a run. They might go on PGL They are easier to leave with a child minder.

You are nearly there. Hang on in there.

Yep, ai am not even single and I am still bored. We hardly see each other becuase of work so kight as well be single. I want to smash up the tva when ai hear youtubez my brain is a scrambled egg of kids tv and trying to think of dinners everyone will eat qnd folding socks.
I am very bored and i used to be a full on party person.
I am trying to save into my pension so I can at least have fun then, i have looked at tennis and yoga groups but inevitably they clash with the kids activities.
I brought an adult colouring book, that has been fun 😂

I think trying to expand the parenting network is key at this age. Your dc can then go out to other peoples houses, start having sleepovers eventually and that will give you a little bit of space. You’d have to reciprocate but that’s not too bad as they play together.

Personally, I know you don’t want anything to do with dc dad, but I’d put in a claim for child maintenance. There doesn’t need to be any contact between you and him. The extra money, if you get it and need it, can help fund day trips, little holidays that will take you out of the day to day drudgery. Or just save it for dc.

Sign your dc up for holiday clubs - stimulating and tiring for them so they’re ready to chill when they get home and you don’t have to be the entertainer.

Any opportunity to take a half day off either permanently (do compressed hours) or fairly regularly to carve out some ‘me’ time? Gym, hobbies, chilling.

Once your dc get to around 13 they can be left alone for a few hours (or have friends over whilst you go out). Encourage friendships and hobbies. They can go to these alone eventually.

So, this period is time limited and won’t last forever, hopefully you can hang on to that.

How old is your kid now?

I had plans with DD pretty much every weekend or every other weekend up until she was about 13/14 and went through the horrible teens years. Even so we still did stuff together a few times a year.

I know it is really dependent on location too, but try to do things that interest you both. I’m really into both museums and animations so it worked out well for DD when she was little because I was always up for a movie. Check out the cultural programs in your town or nearby.

I couldn’t afford childcare so I was a bit limited on that aspect, but if you’re able to, book clubs and the likes are a good bet too. I had a lot of awkward trial and error but eventually found a group I vibe with (different town though so there’s extra expenses involved, which sucks).

See I think it's better to go totally non parenting related things; history, science, politics, etc .. actually remember you are an intelligent adult that exists in the world, that it's bigger than the four walls you're in.

🎼I dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyyy
So different from this hell I'm liii-ving🎤

Although, presumably not 1800s french prostitute bad.

Just do your own thing. That’s what I do.

If people aren’t free go out with your child or if it’s just you still go anyway.

I’m possibly not qualified to comment because I’m not a single parent now, but my DH and I split for some time while my DS was very small (and I had DS more or less full time for various reasons) and I remember the boredom and drudgery so well. I don’t know why the idea occurred to me, but I decided I was going to have a second stab at education- I did quite well at school but not at all engaged, so I thought that if I had to be stuck at home with a toddler, I may as well do something to help me reach my potential. I had a tough childhood and was never settled enough to do as well as I could have, so I thought that as I’m limited in terms of being able to go out in the evenings, now’s my chance to broaden my horizons in other ways.

I found that when I was learning something that I was interested in, the boredom went away for the duration of my study because your brain can’t focus on learning something complex and how ground down you feel at the same time. Like a little brain holiday!

I had no money, so I scoured the internet for free courses and was surprised just how much there is. Harvard University does some amazing free online courses (look for HBS Online) and lots of other universities do similar things if you search the name or the uni and ‘free online courses’. I got really into it and designed myself a proper little curriculum that I did in the evenings, I learnt history, languages, literature, all sorts. You do have to pay a small fee if you want a certificate to show that you completed the course, but I wasn’t bothered about the certificates so just did the free courses. The ones that universities put out are really in-depth and taught by some amazingly knowledgable people, I was absolutely amazed by the range and quality of what’s out there without having to spend anything!

I enjoy:

My New York Times subscription, about €8 per month. I listen to podcasts about 5 days a week and read some articles.

Mumsnetting.

Dating - it's mostly a waste of time, but I sometimes make a new friend from it.

When my sons were younger (16&17 now), I was friendly with the parents of two similar aged boys and we sometimes helped each other out or just hung out in groups to pass the time.

I think you need to expand your friendships with other parents, so you have a little back up.

Have you any nice neighbours that you could invite around for a cuppa?

Have you a spare room? Could you get an au pair, even for the summer months, as a trial?

You start small and build from there, building on any social contacts you already have. You know people, but dismiss then as 'perimenopausal and weird' why? Have they closed the door on all engagement with you? Or are they just reducing the time available and things they'll do? If the latter, take what is on offer. A walk, coffee or quiet drunk might not be the height of thrills, but its better than nothing and can sometimes be a gateway to doing more fun things together. What about your colleagues? Anyone there who, while may not be best mate laugh a minute material might be a companion to go to an activity? It's hard for most parents to do stuff in the week, but at weekends you could make plans to go see your family for example. Also, do things with your child (I know, it's not sparkly dress territory, but it gets you out and off the sofa). I think you need not to have an all or nothing approach. There's a place between the life of a freedom and fun and drudgery, which is the one most parents tend to be in until their children are independent, and you have to lower your expectations and make the best if it really.

My ex did this with his mistress, I think they missed the excitement of the affair so have got into swinging. He always found it hard to keep friendships so this was a new avenue with new places to go and people to 'meet'.

Yes, I think it’s really good, although I appreciate it may not be for everyone. There is some reading to do and activities etc. I guess you get out what you put in. While it’s no magic bullet, it does help reframe things and gives some direction in trying to make things feel better. My DD is 11 and I’m keen for her to find ways to take care of her wellbeing too. I never really had that as a child so hopefully it will help us both. Best wishes

I’d ask your child if they’ve got any ideas for decorating your house and see what they come up with! It’ll be exciting and it’s great for children to be able to make decisions and show initiative ! And actually put their ideas into practice . I think it’ll make any child feel much more confident /valued and improve the parent /child relationship

they’re only kids for a short time

you’ve got a kid - make the most of it ! 🎉

Your old friends are all in perimenopause… making it very likely you also are? HRT might help therefore

also try and get at home exercise done

I do wonder if the child is whining because you are a bit down yourself - if we could lift your mood hers might improve

beyond that - patience

How about wearing one of the sparkly dresses when you go to the park or school pick up (provided it's not totally exposing) - it might spark a conversation with someone that you have all these fun clothes and no where to wear them to at the moment.

So another one allowed to get away with it and abandon their child and responsibilities 🙄

Doesn’t pay a penny! Are you kidding me! What a nightmare. If you weren’t already separated I’d definitely suggest you do. What a terrible person. Does your daughter have any contact with the grandparents?

Well obviously the chances are the father is some breed of dickhead - either he abandoned them or OP felt the need to leave him. So probably not a great idea that he gets involved 8 years later.

I personally got really into decorating the house. It's a focus and there are facebook groups for it so you can dive into something positive.

I also plan holidays and days out. We don't do either often (we can't afford he holidays I plan! 😆) but I enjoy looking at itineraries and dreaming.

I also planted a garden. Don't have a clue what I'm doing, often can't be arsed to manage it but when I force myself I find that you really can't handle bare soil without feeling happier.

Basically I need something to ground me (practical, productive stuff) and something to dream about.

Oh and we often go to the park after school for an hour. There are other kids there, parents to chat to and it's even better if you can bring a flask of tea. Other times we go to the library. It's so much easier to do anything when they are already out of the house.

My is guess that, after years of absence, this would be more trouble than it was worth; Ex being unreliable or unreasonable, DC not being happy going to someone who is pretty much a stranger and we don’t even know if OP would be able to track him down.

Edited for a couple of missed words.