OH friends drunkenly messed with my possessions

Yeah, probably the same women who think it's fine to allow males into womens toilets.
Oops sorry, digressing there.

OP, YANBU

I really dislike the way certain words are mis-used on here.

"Violated"

Because some person/s looked at your magnets and photos and put them back in the wrong order?

No.

If that is the case, he certainly should know better.

If they have no children, I'd certain reconsider the situation.

I can understand being upset at them messing with your stuff, your bf should have made sure they didn’t happen, and they should be mature enough (even drunk) for it to not even occur to them!

But getting them to apologise is batshit, and weird. Did it actually make you feel better? It’s just awkward for an adult to do that to another adult- no matter what the reason is.

No it isn’t PTSD imo or anything quite so complex

when I came home years ago and found my wooden rhino collection in sexual positions (which now to be fair I do find funny) it was the realisation that the respect had gone, that my flatmates and 2 other so called friends no longer respected me or my belongings and that hurt. It was the end of our friendship completely a line had been crossed for me

the OPs OH must know she takes pride in her collection and arranges as she wants is normal and that to touch it and move it around is disrespectful and it is that I think which is at the root of it all.

we don’t have to hnderstand others boundaries but where it doesn’t impact us at all we should respect them

How fucking rude!!
You must have to post a dumb comment like that!!

You make a good point. I know a woman who married a fella with a friendship group she considered to be d1ckheads. The husband is still a child, she is very mature and has asked him to leave....

Maybe it is a red flag how your partners friends behave.

It isn't that OP looks at items going "ahhhh, that sunrise over Machu Picchu". That would be normal sentimental attachment. OP is going further in feeling her memories are somehow sullied by someone else having picked up that photo or magnet. That feeling is not within the bounds of normal reactions and is more usually linked with complex PTSD, OCD, or a hoarding disorder. It isn't helpful to use any AIBU thread as a kicking-off point to explore psychological issues, counselling is more appropriate, but as OP is clearly already aware she has some issues I was simply being clear that no, this one is not within normal reactions.

It is polite behaviour, certainly, but I just can’t help wondering if it is part of a bigger picture of being incompatible.

In the long run, when friendship groups are labelled “dickheads” (or similar) then ultimately it is a bad sign for a relationship. And that’s not making a value judgment as to whether they are dickheads or OP is labeling them that.

Similarly, should the partner have said “don’t touch guys, OP loves that stuff.” or is it a case of “she’ll go off on one here.”. As a partner, even if I am saying the first sentence, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I am walking on egg shells thinking the second.

For me there is a general question: OP, are you and your partner compatible?

Apparently they are both in their 30's - unless i have mis-read it.

Zahia, how old is your partner and how long have you been together? He sounds very immature. I would find drunken behaviour extremely concerning.

I agree and as I've said upthread I think OP's problem is bigger than the fridge magnets

He sounds like he’s acting like her child rather than a partner!

You’re getting a very hard time on here OP. people forget that not everyone is as chilled or cool as they are.

People insinuating you should put your stuff behind a secure glass box - why should you! And you have every right to be upset. It’s your home and visitors shouldn’t go playing with things it’s rude. If it was children everyone would be demanding they apologise. Your boyfriend sounds like a child. My husbands friends wouldn’t go tampering with my stuff and it shouldn’t be expected or glossed over.

I do agree though that the onus should just have been on your fella to take responsibility and watch his friends next time. It’s his fault and responsibility. You’ve reacted as you’re upset and maybe just consider that if it happens again.

So they moved around some photos (maps, tickets etc?) and fridge magnets and nothing was damaged or lost? A bit annoying, but really not something to get so wound up about. I'd ask OH to make sure it doesn't happen again, but I wouldn't tell his friends off.

You sound like his mother rather than his partner

What did they actually do? Pick the things up and look at them? If they were wearable, try them on?

If they didn't break or take anything I don't even see how you'd know anything happened?

But he's admitted it was his fault. He should try and make them apologise and obviously not do it again. But if they don't then I guess they're just not very nice people.

@GRex just because you don’t feel sentimental attachment to objects doesn’t mean it isn’t well within the range of normal behaviour.

too many people are judging the OP for what is well within the normal range of behaviour even if it isn’t something that everyone has. We are all different and one assumes that her OH was aware of this as well.

it upset the OP and frankly no one else needs to judge that - we all have boundaries and lines which if crossed would upset is some everyone has and some are more personal albeit normal.

This was hers - and it is her OH reaction to is as a person who one hopes loves and respects her that is out of order

oh ha ha

then don't have one?

I don't want people in my house who are so drunk that they don't know what they have done and I certainly wouldn't want a partner like that.

Unclench jeez, nothing is broken or missing so no harm no foul right? You seem to be looking for a reason to kick off and you cried? 🙄

I think if you open your house to people, you accept the risk they will look and possibly touch your books, might fidget with a magnet on the fridge, or pick up a small ornament or something, press a couple of notes on a piano, or move a cushion.

If you are so precious it's unbearable to you, you shouldn't accept people full stop.

I don't really touch things I don't think, and would find it beyond rude to try to open people's mail, go through their bedroom cabinet or be generally invasive, but feeling violated because husband and friends move magnets and bits that were displayed?

They probably just drunkely knocked the shelf and put everything back. It's very unlikely they had any sense of what was upside down from a bunch of tat crammed in together. Your reaction is wildly OTT even if they did have a little look at some items. Just magnets! It can only be seen by others as bits of tat, and nobody in their right mind could have predicted your reaction. I would think his mates are bemused and concerned for him due to your behaviour.

Clearly you have some other serious issues you aren't disclosing about why you have reacted with such excessive sentimentality about these items. It's really important to distinguish that that is a "you" thing, and is not normal. If you and your DP decide to stay together then you need to keep your precious bits in a locked cupboard, as you would high value jewellery, rather than expect guests to understand how to treat the items.

100% true! Nothing is your own anymore and any thing you want kept safe need locking away!