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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be unsure about naming our baby after partners best mate?

111 replies

AngelMiracle0 · 17/06/2025 19:13

Bit of a long one sorry but not sure if I’m being harsh or just overthinking.

DP was in a car crash 10yrs ago when he was 17. He was a passenger, his best mate sadly died and the driver (another mate) ended up in prison. Both the driver and the mate who died were drunk. DP wasn’t drunk but didn’t stop them or report it or anything. He was just there basically.

His best mate’s family were (understandably tbh) really angry at him and have always said that if he’d done something, their son would still be alive. Like he’s lived his life with no real consequences while they lost their son. He barely speaks to them now and hasn’t for years. Only slight contact is with the sister but even that’s rare and not really close.

Anyway I’m pregnant now and we’re having a boy. DP wants to name him after his best mate who died. Full on first name not middle name. Says it would be a tribute. We can’t agree on anything else and he’s really set on it.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it. Mainly cos of how the friend’s family might react. The 10yr anniversary of the crash is next month and DP’s already struggling emotionally. I don’t want things to kick off if they somehow hear the name or see something on social media or whatever.

We don’t speak to them so it’s not like we’d be announcing it to them directly but it still feels like we’d be stirring stuff up. Would it be awful to ask them for their blessing (even knowing they’ll probably say no) or should we just do it anyway cos it’s our baby?

AIBU to feel unsure about it or should I just let him have this one?

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 17/06/2025 19:50

I would agree on a middle name but not the first name.

Original poster
AngelMiracle0 · 17/06/2025 19:45

Just to answer a few bits – yeah he has had therapy in the past and it did help a bit but every year around the anniversary he goes through it all again. It’s like he carries this guilt that never really goes away and it definitely ramps up around this time of year.

We’d actually agreed on a girls name really easily, no drama at all. But now we know it’s a boy we just can’t agree on anything. I’ve suggested loads and he’s shot down every single one. It’s like this is the only name he can picture for the baby.

I do get why it means so much to him, but it’s not just about us. That family have already lost so much and I just don’t want to cause more upset, especially when things are already raw for him too.

OP posts:
deismevav · 17/06/2025 19:43

I wouldn’t want to be named after someone who died tragically imo.

I remember when Joaquin Phoenix named his son River, everyone thought it was wonderful and I thought it was awful. As if the baby can’t just be his own person. What a legacy.

Lostcat · 17/06/2025 19:25

after reading the first bit I was thinking “aww let him have the name, it’s meaningful to him” but reading your reasoning I totally can see the concern that it might stir something up which would ultimately be horrible for you all. So YANBU. Can you compromise on having it as a middle name so it won’t be so noticeable to others?

CharityShopMensGlasses · 17/06/2025 19:23

I think it'd be quite a lot for a teenager to carry, knowing he was named after a man killed in a car crash which there is animosity towards his dad about, I don't think that feels healthy.
Has your DH had some therapy, it must be a painful and tough thing for him. Especially with the blame from the parents.

MotherJessAndKittens · 17/06/2025 19:23

No please steer him off that. The friend’s family might be upset or furious though they are unreasonable on blaming him as there was probably nothing he could have done.

Hatty65 · 17/06/2025 19:23

I think I might agree to compromise with a middle name, but I wouldn't want to be forced or guilted into giving a name that has meaning for your DH but not, presumably, for you. I'd be adamant I was not giving them this name as their Christian name under any circumstances. This is your baby too.

I agree with pp saying your baby is a person in their own right - not a tribute to DHs teenage mate whom they never met.

Cnidarian · 17/06/2025 19:23

Oh no this doesnt sound good. Don't do this to the child. It could be a constant reminder of horrible tragedy and unresolved pain and anger. Given the family's reaction so far they could respond poorly, don't invite that into your precious time with a newborn. Your husband needs to find another way to honour his grief, protect your peace.

outerspacepotato · 17/06/2025 19:22

Your husband has survivor's guilt and he should work that out with a therapist.

I think it would be pouring salt into the family's trauma.

Naming your child after his dead friend will bring it into his life all the time, your child will always be associated with a serious trauma for both him and the family and I think it's a really, really bad idea.

Wolfpa · 17/06/2025 19:20

i am not a fan of offering people as tributes. You need to give them their own identity

Cerialkiller · 17/06/2025 19:17

I really don't think that naming a child after someone who was tragically killed is fair to the child.

A baby is not a tribute, they are a full human being who shouldn't carry this memory of someone they never met. A name should be joyful, hopeful a d full of love, not associated with their father's guilt.

Your DHs ongoing guilt and trauma over it all make it even worse.

The other family is irrelevant as they aren't part of your lives.

Has DH had therapy?

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