To be unsure about naming our baby after partners best mate?

We had hints to use family names when our DC were born. I refused as I believe their names shouldn't carry the burden of another person's memory or mistakes, or be compared to them.

We gave the DC our names as middle names (DD shares my middle name as it's more suitable) but that's it.

My Dad wanted me named after his baby sister who died when she was 9 months old. Mum said no, she said my Dad's sister's death was tragic, but she didn't want me having her name as a reminder of it. They compromised on using the name as my middle name. It's different if the name is a family name, but in my case it's linked to a tragic death. I don't think you should give your son, your husband's friend's name - the incident will be forefront in your husband's mind forever. Compromise and use it as a middle name. I don't think using the name as a first name is healthy for your husband either.

I wouldn't agree to this. My friend's small child is named after both of her partner's best friends who died young (so first name - after friend who died by suicide, second name - after friend who OD'd on heroin) and I always thought (though obviously never said!) that it was... I don't know... A bit of a burden on the wee boy? And that he should have had his own name, not be named after people who died because of their own actions (of course both cases were tragic, my H was also close friends with them both, but I wouldn't want to be named after not one but two people who died like that! I think being named after a much loved grandpa or something is a bit different somehow).

Could you not have it as a middle name and choose something completely different as a first name? That would be more appropriate IMO.

We gave dd her middle name after my sister who died. But there was no additional blame or trauma from her death, she was an adult when she died and it had been several years previous. I wouldn’t have gone first name though.

Absolutely no way. This is a brand new human being, not some kind of tribute to your DH’s distress about the past.

It would be a no from me. But it's obvious your bloke is struggling with the upcoming anniversary, maybe it might be worth directing him in another direction to mark his friends death and any guilt he's feeling.

I almost named DC after a relative who died. I asked the closer relatives very sensitively because the alternative is dreadful.

Bear in mind as a DP you can name the baby without him, he can’t without you. Ultimately it’s legally your choice.

It's a really awful idea.

Every time he hears or says his son's name he will think of his friend. Why on earth would he do that to himself?!

If the friends family hear of it they will be absolutely livid. Their son will never have children, and if they blame him, then for him to name his child after their dead son would surely feel like an absolute slap in the face.

He's not going to feel a solution from this, it will make everything worse. And if it's a kind of penance he's trying to experience than that's even worse.

None of it is at all fair to dump on your child. It would be just awful.

My DH's BFF also died tragically a few years before DS was born. DH didn't ask but I wouldn't have used any of the names for DS as DS is a whole individual person, not a memorial page. Instead he has names with nice meanings that he can explain, not one linked to a gory death.

I think it’s a terrible idea. The family are already mad at him, I think it would be devastating for them if their son’s name is taken in this way. Plus, it’s not a great thing for DH’s mental health, or for the baby to feel a tribute or a replacement. It’s not going to make DH feel better about his mate dying or ease the guilt he unfairly feels.

I don’t mind tribute names, but this one goes too far. Your baby is not a means for your husband to process his grief and guilt.

It's a really bad idea because your DH is trying to alleviate his guilt, not wanting to honour his friend. The family were understandably angry and it was easier for them to blame the boys who survived than their own son. But your DH wasn't responsible for his friend's bad choices and he can't offer his own child as some sort of recompense. This won't actually make him feel better and it's not fair on your child.

(I do know a child with a middle name chosen for a relative who died in an accident but the memories are positive, and about the life not the circumstances of the death.)

The family just want to blame and be angry at someone, your husband got the cop for it, they know deep down it isn't his fault but if they get word of your son being named after their son I really think they'd reignite their anger all over again, it won't go down well.

A middle name maybe but definitely not as a first name.
Do you want to explain to your son that it was to honour your dads friend who sadly died, because you then also have a good chance of it coming out that they think your Dad could have saved him. That would not be fair to your son to live with.

Truthfully I really do not think naming your son after him would be in anyway good for your husband. Having to call the name daily etc would be a constant reminder when you have already said your husband struggles with his death.
The birth of your son should be a happy time for you both, a new beginning. I would put your foot down on naming your son the name.

Totally unfair on the child. It's a burden.

You have no obligation to 'let (your husband) have this'.
This is such an awful idea, and not based on any positive reasoning.

He can pay tribute to his friend in a zillion other ways.
And he may want to mentally tell his friends parents to fuck right off. Shame on them for expecting a young man, the same age as their son to have better judgement than their son did. To be more mature than their son was. To not think the same way their son did- that they were indestructible. How dare they put a lifetime of guilt on your husband.

Why on earth would he want to turn your baby's name into some sort of peace offering. This is all kinds of messed up, and you're probably the only one who can protect your child from being a legacy to guilt and shame.

The first post nails it.

If you look into the opinion of psychologists, they'd also say no. It's really unfair to burden a child with this. Let your child become their own person.

They really have no right to blame him, he chose not to drink and so could the others. He was 17 and not an adult the best he could have done was refuse to get in the car.
It is a terrible idea poor baby.

How common a name is it?

This is a dreadful idea sorry @AngelMiracle0 No WAY would I allow this. If he has so little to do with the family (who, whilst I am sorry for their loss - don't sound terribly nice,) then why is he wanting to do this? Does he have survivor guilt or something? As a pp said, has he had therapy. I would veto this for sure.

I would say you are not comfortable with it.you are having the baby carrying giving birth. Say you are happy for a middle name .what do his family think .it would be upsetting to be calling out "paul come here, or no don't do that "

I wouldn't allow this, it's far too much of an emotional load to place on a child.

It sounds as though your Partner has a lot of issues he needs to work out and clear from his mind. He might feel that giving the child this name will make him feel better about himself. If that's the case, he would certainly tell the child the history of its name, and that could cause huge upset to your child.

The poor child might assume some of your Partner's guilt and unhappiness about the sad event. You really can't let that happen.

Stick to your point of view, and choose another name.

I think it needs to be used as a middle name tbh, not a first name

Even if the family wasn't carrying this anger towards your DH, and he was confident that they would be deeply touched and grateful for such an act of rememberance, I would still have strong misgivings for all the reasons highlighted by PPs. It is very, very different from giving a child a family name of a late, much loved great grandparent who lived happily to 100, for example.

But given their feelings towards your DH I think it is absolute madness to even consider this.

There's too much negative trauma linked with the name to be a first name. In this case, not ideal for a middle name but it would be less frequently used.

Continuing family names is different in that they link continuity through a family's generations and there is an ancestoral connection.

Not for a friend when there's so much sadness and guilt around.
Also parents' generation names can often be off the child's generation which could potentially stand out in an awkward way.