To be unsure about naming our baby after partners best mate?

I would ask him to see a therapist about this specific issue.
Even as a middle name it's potentially damaging to your child and unhelpful for your DH.

It would be too sad for the family of the dead chap.
A middle name is maybe okay but only if the family agreed.

Can your DH choose another name that starts with the same initial?
I think that your husband is needing to speak with a different counsellor.

I think naming a child after someone is nice, but not in these circumstances. There are too many negatives and especially as the friend’s family may react badly.
Your poor DH though. Are you saying that the family think he should have prevented the others from driving and hold him to blame for the accident? Or just that they resent him for surviving whilst their loved one didn’t? Either way, it’s not his fault, and naming your child won’t help either. Perhaps it is time for more therapy now he is older and more able to process the emotions.

If I had lost one of my sons in those circumstances , blamed one of the others in the car and then found that that young man ( who has lived a life my son didn't get the chance to live)has named his newborn son after my dead son ( as an attempt to ease his guilt) I would not be remotely impressed.

There is a difference in that your experiences are of using names from your own family.

They're not laced with survivor's guilt and another family's anger and blame.

That's quite a major difference in association.

(My DCs have family names, but they're not tragic in that kind of way. They're also mainstream names so don't have very specific associations)

@AngelMiracle0 Your partner needs to go back into therapy. Naming your child after his dead mate in this situation is him trying to absolve himself of guilt. He’s trying to prove to the family that he’s sorry and for them not to blame him. 1, that won’t work, and 2, it’s not your poor child’s responsibility to bear. I find it very distasteful to be honest. I would just point blank refuse. Hard no. Offer to put a framed photo of his mate up or something (a normal tribute).

I am named after someone who was killed tragically for my middle name. My aunt. And I always liked the connection to her this way.

Ds is named as his middlename after my late brother in law whom also were tragically killed. I know ds (age 23) likes the connection too.

So for those who says notnto due to thst readon I would disagree it can give a connection.

Having said that I would not use it as a first name. Middlename is a tribute imo but with the issues around the crash I think it would cause the family pain to be told he has done this.

Op you say your husband has had counselling. Could you go back together for a few sessions to work this out? Why is it so important for him that it is the first name not a middlename?

He shouldn’t name him after his lost friend but I can understand the impulse.

but also that family are being extremely unfair to the 17 year old version of your husband. Extremely unfair.

no wonder he is feeling like he needs to do this

Yanbu. Not OK to use that name. Your baby needs it's own name.

I didn't realise Joaquin Phoenix had named his son River 😬.

Just say no. He has vetoed your options, veto this one. If you don’t want to get into an argument about the tribute, just say you don’t like the name and don’t want to name your child that name. I wouldn’t even do it as a middle name.

There’s thousands of names, he can find one he likes amongst your suggestions.

Please don’t do this. You’re having a child. A person in their own right, not a tribute and means to assuage your DP’s feelings of guilt.

Imagine growing up and knowing you were named after someone that died in a horrible accident…how does that benefit your poor baby? Imagine the sense of pressure and expectation it will bring. The fact your husband will potentially associate your baby with what is presumably the most traumatic experience of his life. Is that how you’d want to grow up? Your husband can’t bring back his friend, he needs to go back to therapy to deal with his survivor’s guilt.

Then for the family, imagine how raw and painful it would be…the one in the car that walked away and managed to have a life their boy never got, naming his child after the one you lost. It’s like replacing him. Please don’t do this.

In DH family it is traditional to use family names but it means there are a lot of big Brian and little Brian, cousin Brian, 2nd cousin Maud’s Brian.
How do you differentiate between dead Brian and baby Brian when having a conversation.

Middle name yes, first name no

I suspect the friend's family will see it as a massive fuck you. You said in your OP they see it that your DP has lived his life without consequences, and this is a physical embodiment of exactly that.

It isn't his place to do this and you'll be paranoid every time you shout his name in a play park.

I agree with what everyone else has said, it’s not fair for your child to be linked to such guilt and tragedy. Different when naming a child after a beloved family member, but this wouldn’t be fair at all on the child.

To add, it isn’t fair that the family have blamed your DH all this time, I doubt he would have changed the minds of his friends, and he was just a silly teenager himself. I’m sorry he’s had to carry this burden.

That thing about every anniversary? It's called survivor guilt. Perhaps the therapy he had as not the right sort or he just needs more but this really isn't appropriate and is guaranteed to inflame feelings, especially as they hold him responsible for what happened. You can't make someone else's tragedy all about yourselves which is exactly what this would be doing. Please just have a bit of empathy and stay away from this idea. It is really going to rub their faces in it. Ten years down the line they clearly haven't come to terms with it and this is only going to cause more upset. What your bf went through is awful and it is unfair that they blame him when his friend made a choice to drink drive, but he needs to move forward so his entire life doesn't revolve around this forever. Think also about the fact your child won't always be a baby. One day he might have an opinion of his own about being named after his dad's dead friend as some sort of grief tribute that was nothing whatsoever to do with his own life, and that opinion might not be what you're expecting.

If doing this will upset his late friend’s family it shouldn’t be done. His friend would not have wanted his family to be further distressed by this.

Your precious baby is their own person, not some tribute to a friend whose family hate you. Why would you want a constant reminder of that? Bonkers!

'You know your baby boy, the one you held in your arms that I was responsible for getting killed? Well, I've got a baby boy now and I've named him after your dead one'

They will see him as 50% responsible. He did nothing. It'll feel like another wound to them, especially as it's ten years and they will never see their boy or have a grandchild from him.

Stick to your guns and don't do it.

It’s not appropriate and a heavy load for your child to carry.

No Don't give a new baby the name of his Dads dead friend! It's not a family name
Compromise on a middle name? If you actually like the name, that is.

Another way to look at it: your partner's friend was so much more than how he died.

I hope when I go, I am remembered for my life & friendship and not the circumstances of my death.

Reframe it - the name is only a tragedy if you let it be one. You & your partner are the ones who tell the meaning of the name to your son - and it certainly doesn't need to be something he grows up knowing.

The reason you can’t agree on anything else is because your DP will veto anything until he gets his way. That not how choosing a baby name works.

I really feel for your husband, I lost a best friend in a crash when I was younger and it screwed me up for a long, long time.

From what you've described, I think his grief has not been fully recognised - not by the family of his friend and I can see how damaging that would be.

Complicated grief is especially difficult to live with and I found the 10 year anniversary of my friends death incredibly difficult - the grief started building afresh around the 8th anniversary. It felt raw again at this point & I really struggled.

I'm not trying to compare your partners grief to mine, but I can see why he's struggling so much right now. At 10 years, I was no longer the person I was when my friend died, neither were our mutual friends. Our lives had all entered new chapters and moved on from the time we shared together...while my friend was...left behind. It was like losing them all over again.

With your husband's friend's family blaming him for the tragedy, his own guilt (and I imagine the fear that others must blame him too), it must have been difficult, if not impossible, for him to feel connected to his friend. Maintaining a connection with mine was absolutely central to grieving.

Without it...your partner must have been so lost all this time. I can absolutely see how naming your son after his friend is so important to him and honestly, I don't think I'd fight him on it.

Unlike (seemingly) everyone else here, I've never felt it a bad thing to name a child after someone who has died, although I understand why so many people feel differently.

It's a burden to the child only if you let it be. Don't project guilt, grief or expectation onto the child and they're not going to suffer. Unless you think your partner is going to struggle not to do this, then I don't believe it would be harmful to your son.

Is the name one that suits a nickname? Either a typical shortening or something similar (eg Margot as a nickname for Margaret)? Or even an endearment (Bear Grylls was called 'Bear' as a family nickname).

That way your son can be Name known as

I would also not mention your son on social media at all. It isn't necessary and puts his future privacy at risk (true for all children).

Lastly, I have immense empathy for the family but it wasn't your partner's fault. He was not responsible for his friend's actions or choices, or those of the driver. And just because that's painful to the family doesn't make it less true.

They cannot arbitrate how others who loved their son choose to remember him, especially when those people have suffered so greatly and for so long in their grief. It might also be that had they not directed their anger towards your partner all this time, he would not feel so strongly about naming his son after theirs.

Your partner's grief is as valid and worthy as theirs - it took my own experience and the kindness of my friend's family to teach me that, but it's true.

See if you can go with your partner's choice of name but use a nickname for day-to-day. Keeps the 'tribute' but also gives your son something new.

I can't think of anything worse than a child's name being a constant reminder of something so traumatic.
It would be different if the baby was named after a relative who lived a long and happy life, but this isn't a happy thing being memorialised, and I would hate using the name myself too.
Personally I would just completely say no. How is your DH actually going to cope thinking of his friend every time the name is said. And I wouldn't want that myself either.