To be unsure about naming our baby after partners best mate?

No that sounds like a terrible idea.

Your child is a person in their own right, their father should not be reminded of his dead friend every time he calls their name.

It’s also unfair and unwise for your baby to be named after a person involved in a complex tragedy your partner is still struggling with.

Tell him this, and - assuming you are - say you are happy to have it as a middle name. You can say that’s where tribute names are traditionally used.

If the friend was a close one then a middle name would be ok

Agree

Awful for the child and disrespectful to the family of the deceased. Your husband needs to find another outlet for his guilt.

It's much too complex a situation to encourage in any way.If the other family don't recognize the tribute is it a slight on the child.
I know of another case where a lady with severe mental health issues literally stalked a man who she dealt with in a professional capacity.She named her child after him with no consultation whatsoever.The names were so distinctive that they linked immediately to him and caused huge issues for everyone. His mother died and this lady issued a public memorial notice with her son's full name attached.He was a widower with no children.
Urge your partner to have counseling.

I agree, the family of the dead child have NO right to blame him, none at all.

I agree. It's a terrible idea!

I think that would be really inappropriate. The name is associated with shame, guilt and regret which is a massive burden for your child to bear. It isn't the same as naming your child after a beloved relative who has died. It's even more inappropriate for your DH to want it as the first name rather than the middle name.

Is he expecting that this is a grand gesture that will make his deceased friend's parents forgive him?

Their blame is misplaced but understandable. Their own son didn't try and stop the drunk driver either but they obviously will not want to blame him. In their mind, your DH is the only one who hasn't been punished as their son died and the driver went to prison.

Your DH needs therapy and you need to say no to naming your child after his deceased friend.

I think it's a lot of drama and ill feeling to be associated with your new little baby.

God no
Bad idea
He's just trying to make himself feel better
I would 100% not allow this
Baby needs his own name with no dreadful reason behind it

Don’t do it. It’s unfair on the child, who will find out at some point why he has that name. It’s an unfair burden for him to carry. His father's sorrow and (probably unnecessary) feelings of guilt should not be made into a burden for him.

You should not ask for the family's blessing - just asking rakes the whole thing up again for them, and they might feel that it rubs it in that their son never got the chance to be a father. And you shouldn't just do it anyway, for the same reason.

I can just about see why having it as a middle name might be a reasonable compromise, but I wouldn’t agree to anything more.

Your DH needs more therapy. A terrible thing happened, but he has no right to extend the tragedy and associated feelings onto his son. Perhaps his feelings could be directed towards something positive, e.g. raising money for a charity he knows his friend would have supported.

Absolutely NOT. Insane idea - naming your child after a dead friend?! How do you think the family would feel if they ever found out.

I vote middle name, first name sounds a bit much l think. Ok maybe his friends family wanted someone to blame but their son or the driver are way more culpable than your husband. Plus by the sounds of they were all around 17 or that age. It hardly sounds as if your husband had got away unscathed from the whole thing.

But would he have chosen the name if his friend hadn't died very young? That seems to be the catalyst for the choice to me. If the friend were still alive and a similar age to him, would it have crossed his mind to want to use the name for his baby?

It's very different from a grandparent or even great-grandparent, who had a good long life but is only no longer with you because of wholly natural, expected circumstances

Also if your dp suffers every year of the anniversary, how is he going to react to his child with the same name? Every year is going to be a source of more shame and guilt.

He will never heal and move on if his son has the poor friend's name.

I understand the middle name being used as a tribute in these type of circumstances.

However it's different to the op's situation where the driving factor seems to be guilt.

Guilt is so powerful and insidious, and we can do extreme things to avoid feeling the shame and pain of guilt.
But naming the baby out of guilt is not fair on the baby but also not going to ease the pain.

You definitely do not need to inform the family - nobody owns a name. If you like the name by all means use it but I wouldn0t be doing it 'as a tribute'. What happened was nothing to celebrate.

Strong likelihood it wouldn’t be welcomed by the family. As they blamed him, it could well compound the hurt. He’s alive and has a son, and he’s called the boy after their dead child. That could seem tone-deaf, however well-intentioned, even to a much more forgiving family. And nowadays it probably will get back to them.

DH sounds traumatised and like he’s suffering from survivor guilt. There are ways to actually deal with that, beyond making grand gestures with a brand new human. If DH doesn’t want further therapy but is stuck in a loop of revisiting this, he could find a meaningful way of acknowledging his lost friend that would make a positive difference in the world. Ideally without you having to do something you feel is a mistake.

Its hard to watch someone you love suffer but he’s not treating you with respect, our grief doesn’t trump everything else. You’re not a vessel. This is compounding grief, not alleviating it.

I'd compromise on middle name not first name.

Our DS has a middle name of DHs cousin who passed away at 18. (car accident). We cleared it with DH aunt beforehand. We would never had done it if DH didn't speak to his aunt as you just don't know how they will react. I know its slightly different with family but the same concept I think.

How the friend's family feel is irrelevant IMO. They've behaved appallingly for almost two decades - grief is no excuse for loading blame on to a surviving child. And you don't speak to them anyway. It's none of their business.

I also think it's fine for a child to be named as a tribute to a dead friend, relative etc. Happens all the time and doesn't mean they won't carve out their own identity. Most people I know who were named after someone don't really give the original person a second thought.

However it doesn't seem like a good idea because of what the name represents for your husband - a trauma that's clearly very far from resolved. He needs to think very carefully about his son's name being a constant reminder of that to him.

No, definitely not. He needs to move on. He was a teenager, his deceased friend, family may not want the name used either.

I'd only pass on the name of a person who was truly special, in a positive way.
DD has my mothers name as a middle name, it is special now mam has died.

@AngelMiracle0 would be a firm NO from me .
Your baby is happy times . Not giving it a dead persons name that brings sadness and trauma when mentioned.
A middle name would be nice but even then if it makes you uncomfortable then no .

I was named after my father’s mother who died when he was a baby. I can’t say I ever had a problem with it growing up, it was just my name. My DH’s best friend was killed in a motorcycle accident when he was 16. DH always said that if he had a son he’d lime to name him after his friend. I wouldn’t have had a problem with it but that situation never arose anyway.

I’d hate to be that child, carrying a dead person’s name that evokes so much pain for so many people.
Give the poor kid a break and find a different name you can agree on.

Do not link your baby to this angry accusing bereaved family. Terrible idea. Friend will never be able to be chuffed by this tribute. So who are you doing this for? The friend’s family if they are like this, will be lashing out a thousand times more if they see a lovely baby with their son’s first name. Your DP is inappropriately looking for their forgiveness or trying to atone publicly for an imagined sin by symbolically offering up your lovely baby as some kind of gift to them. Absolutely not.

Very important that you as the mum realise you have to begin sticking up for your kid right from the off. Before he is born. Start now. That family are not nice people if they have purposely left another young lad with the lifelong burden of responsibility for their own lad’s loss of life. Who does that? Your DP wasn’t responsible anyway but in any case he was just a silly kid just like theirs was. As a PP has said. What kind of adult leaves a kid with that burden? rather than work through their own feelings?

Everyone behaves differently in how they handle things after a bereavement. Sadly things could have been completely different between your DP and the friend’s family. perhaps if you were all really close with each other then maybe you could use the name as a middle name.

But how this family are actually being, is awful. Look what it’s still doing to your DP. DP needs to realise that he was just a silly kid as they all were ten year ago and it was just terrible random luck that it ended in such tragedy. The driver is in prison FGS and that’s on him forever. Your DP was lucky to survive a crash, so he needs professional help to move on with his life. He needs to not be living like a ghost himself but to allow himself to grow up and enjoy life, do important and good things with it. Like becoming the best dad he can be to the lovely new baby you are having. He needs to look forward into the future now. Plant a tree in a nice place in the friend’s memory, remember him in your own way without the family being involved. But that’s it. Leave your baby out of it completely.