To ask if you've ever met up with an old friend/acquaintance and they've TOTALLY changed?

tworoundsofwaterplease · 2025-06-17T14:24:00+00:00

I used to work with this person when I was at college. We both worked in a restaurant-for about 2-3 years. We got on well, he was some 12 years my senior...he was quite loud and flamboyant in some ways but also very popular. We were Fb friends after that but haven't seen one another. Fast forward some ten years and I have moved back to the town I worked with him in and around this time he sent me a msg on fb. Apparently in all the time we'd been fb friends he hadn't realised who I were and now he was so glad to know and can we meet up for a few drinks. I was fine with this idea as I don't know many people around here now. We exchanged a few messages and he told me he now ran a cocktail bar in a village nearby, and was single but seeing a woman who was a regular there. We arranged for me to go into this cocktail bar for a few drinks and he told me to please never mention to her about his paratrooper background was I ever to meet her as he wanted her to like him for him, and not for being an elite soldier. This was weird thing number one as I'd never known he was 'an elite soldier' when we worked together. Anyway I didn't meet her as he changed the plan to go and meet in the city instead and 'have a few drinks by the river'. Weird thing number 2 was he was meant to meet me at a landmark in the city but rang once already late to tell me he was going to be late as his boss had kept him behind. Boss, when he runs the place? He told me to go and get myself a drink at a nearby bar and wait for him (I didn't know this area of the city) so I found the bar and went. Weird thing number 3he turned up at the bar, some 30 mins late, with a cool box, and went into the bar to put contents of the cool box in the fridge and get some water to put in it. I finished my glass of wine and he went back into the pub to get me another-from a bottle he'd stashed in the fridge-I found this odd but assumed he must know the owners of the bar, and it was nice of him to buy me a bottle of wine. Weird thing number 4, we walked down to the river. I'd assumed 'a few drinks by the river' meant to go and sit in one of the pubs or bars near it but his idea was to drink from the bottles of wine he'd brought with him, he'd brought one for him one for me. Weird thing number 5 was what alarmed me more. On the walk down to the river he kept trying to hold my hand, and while we sat by the river (on a step) he kept putting his hand on my leg. He also talked extensively about his military career and told me that if I am ever interrogated, don't worry because he's given me false names so I don't really know anything. While we sat on this step drinking wine, I got worried about what to do if I needed the loo-he mentioned this and then went into one of the nearby bars, returned and said that they were fine with us using the loo. I had had enough of drinking wine on a step by this point so asked him if we could go into one of the bars. He said yes, but if the one where we're permitted to use the loo, he has to pretend to be from Texas as he'd told them he was when asking to use the loo. I was bemused but helped him create a story about being from Texas. I am now thinking 'I need to get away from this weird situation' and feeling quite uncomfortable, and after paying for the drinks in this bar (I'd realised he must be skint to be carting bottles of wine about instead of going into establishments) I ordered a taxi. He seems very excited about our friendship too and keeps ringing and messaging me inviting me to things. I ignored a call last night and then he rang me from a different number today to invite me to a dinner party on Friday, I don't want to go. I am scared I'll end up in someone's freezer.

Original poster

tworoundsofwaterplease · 18/06/2025 16:33

Crikeyalmighty · 18/06/2025 14:31

@tworoundsofwaterplease AL is an interesting character - we do know him as work in music - British but most of his success in USA- he writes fab lyrics- many will know Year of the cat which was a big hit for him - I’ve seen him lots of times though and he’s never said that when he plays this song -

Ah that's fab. I am just a bit young for that era but I will be sure to listen to some more, I genuinely like songs of that nature.

Yes, the explanation on that site while interesting doesn't seem to fully fit.

OP posts:

Original poster

tworoundsofwaterplease · 18/06/2025 16:31

Echobelly · 18/06/2025 16:23

It's always 'I was a top secret soldier, but don't tell anyone' isn't it?

Presumably because if you tell someone else they'll say 'Nah, he got fired from his job at a call centre 4 years ago and has lived with his mum ever since'

I can't imagine anyone who was a top secret soldier would actually say this to anyone, I presume they have a boring cover story about what they were doing so no one asks too much.

I hadn't come across this before (that I remember) but apparently it is a really common thing to do/say for men who've lost their way somehow. And yes, hence him telling me not to mention it to this woman! I wish I knew who she were, I'd bet we'd have an interesting conversation! I wonder if there's a list of paratroopers in the public domain somewhere...

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Echobelly · 18/06/2025 16:23

It's always 'I was a top secret soldier, but don't tell anyone' isn't it?

Presumably because if you tell someone else they'll say 'Nah, he got fired from his job at a call centre 4 years ago and has lived with his mum ever since'

I can't imagine anyone who was a top secret soldier would actually say this to anyone, I presume they have a boring cover story about what they were doing so no one asks too much.

Crikeyalmighty · 18/06/2025 14:31

@tworoundsofwaterplease AL is an interesting character - we do know him as work in music - British but most of his success in USA- he writes fab lyrics- many will know Year of the cat which was a big hit for him - I’ve seen him lots of times though and he’s never said that when he plays this song -

Blobbitymacblob · 18/06/2025 14:22

Oh OP you sound so much like me in my early 20s! I had a completely unwanted boyfriend (I call him The Cling Film Man) who wouldn’t take a hint, and just kept turning up, and I was so utterly incapable of hurting his feelings I went along with it for several months.

My df was extremely controlling, and my dm has some narcissistic tendencies. I didn’t know about or recognise those things back then, but it left me very vulnerable to this sort of situation. I was a classic doormat because I’d been trained from an early age to walk on eggshells, not feel any self worth, and never, ever poke the bear.

I’m still not fully capable of telling someone to “fuck off”, or putting myself ahead of someone’s feelings, but I have learned a bit more about safety. I misread the comment about ending up by the river as ending up in the river. But this situation has the potential to end badly.

“that doesn’t work for me” is a wonderful phrase to practice, over and over. It never gets old, and has enough words for those of us who can’t just say no. It doesn’t require further explanation. It’s hard to argue with.

Echobelly · 18/06/2025 13:35

I thought I had this, but turned out I was wrong...

So I had a former workmate who is a neighbour of my brother's and a few years after he left the job I was at a party at my brother's place and there he was. Now he'd always been a rather eccentric character, though he presented as very ordinary grey-suit-and-tie kind of bloke, but at the party he had started affecting a waxed moustache and was wearing and very loud multicoloured bohemian jacket and I wondered if he'd just cut loose after leaving the organisation. Didn't seem entirely out of character after all.

I had a slightly stilted conversation with him and it all seemed a bit odd... until I found out about half an hour later he was my former colleague's brother! Other than the clothes and facial hair, he looked and sounded exactly like him.

Original poster

tworoundsofwaterplease · 18/06/2025 13:15

saltinesandcoffeecups · 18/06/2025 12:54

My guess from him running a bar and the odd behavior is substance use. Very very prolific in the service industry.

Except for the handholding and leg touching that sounds like an entertaining evening! But yeah unless you’re into the party and drug scene I’d generally stay away from him and his friends.

Oh and your red flag # 1(I think) about him running a bar but having a boss doesn’t seem that unusual.

Maybe. He didn't appear to under the influence of anything, and didn't appear drunk at any point-his demeanor didn't change throughout the evening. But I'd not necessarily know the signs. To be fair,it wasn't a 'bad' evening apart from that, I've had worse-just strange. I did feel better once in a bar rather than hanging about outside.

I did say that I kind of dismissed that one, in a previous post,it could've been explainable. But when combined with everything else, it's an alarm bell.

Definitely not interested in heavy drinking and drugs scene. I am happy to have a few social drinks but nothing else so he can keep that for himself if that's what is is!

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 18/06/2025 12:54

My guess from him running a bar and the odd behavior is substance use. Very very prolific in the service industry.

Except for the handholding and leg touching that sounds like an entertaining evening! But yeah unless you’re into the party and drug scene I’d generally stay away from him and his friends.

Oh and your red flag # 1(I think) about him running a bar but having a boss doesn’t seem that unusual.

Original poster

tworoundsofwaterplease · 18/06/2025 12:52

Keepingongoing · 18/06/2025 11:17

Glad to hear you’ve sent that text. It does contain pleasantries! You hope he has a good time at the ‘dinner party’ and wished him well.

Be prepared to hang up immediately when he phones you again from another number. I think he’ll keep trying you for a while

‘Quit his job again’….what a surprise. His presentation is shouting mental illness, which is very sad, but absolutely not a good idea for you to take him on. Hopefully he’ll eventually get scooped up by what remains of the MH services.

Much as I definitely do not want to go to the 'dinner party', I would quite like to be a fly on its wall, if it indeed even has one.

I mentioned upthread that he had commented on a photo of me on fb saying 'wear this on Friday!'.

That photo is one of me wearing a long, dusky pink silky frock. Can just imagine me arriving at this 'dinner party' wearing that, and ending up tottering around the city centre in it supping wine from a flask or something.

OP posts:

Original poster

tworoundsofwaterplease · 18/06/2025 12:36

Crikeyalmighty · 18/06/2025 11:50

Singer songwriter Al Stewart has a great song from the 70s about this called Modern Times- here’s the lyrics - great track if you google it

Hello, old friend, what a strange coincidence to find you
It's been fifteen years since we last met, but I still recognized you
So call the barman over here, and let us fill our glasses
And drink a toast to olden times where all our memories lie
Where all our memories lie
Do you remember the time we were young?
Lowly, lowly, low
Outside the window, the frosty moonlight hung
On the evening snow
So we pulled our scarves around our faces in the night
Huddled on the doorsteps where the fairy lights shone bright
Singing Christmas carols while our breath hung in the light
It all comes back like yesterday
It almost seems like yesterday
Do you remember the changes as we grew?
Slowly, slowly, slow
Sneaking in the back way into movies after school
For the evening show
Chasing skinny blue jean girls across the building site
Checking out the dance floor while the band played "Hold Me Tight"
See the blonde one over there: I bet she'd be alright
It all comes back like yesterday
It almost seems like yesterday
While I talked, he sat and he never made a sound
Staring at the glass beside me
Hey, old friend, tell me what's on your mind?
Silence grows on you like ivy
Ivy
Do you remember the church across the sands?
Holy, holy, ho
We stood outside and planned to travel the lands
Where the pilgrims go
So you packed your world up inside a canvas sack
Set off down the highway with your rings and Kerouac
Someone said they saw you in Nepal a long time back
Don't you have a word to say?
Tell me why you look away
He said, "I don't remember, don't want to remember
In fact I've heard too much already
I don't want to think, just leave me here to drink
Wrapped up in the warmth of New York City
Oh, oh, it seems you just don't know
And you just don't understand me
I've got no use for the tricks of modern times
They tangle all my thoughts like ivy
Ivy"
So I left him, I went out to the street
Lowly, lowly, low
Where the red light girls were running after me
Hundred dollar show
All across the city's heart the lights were coming on
The hotel lift softly hummed a Cole Porter song
If I went to look for him I knew he would be gone
A picture card of yesterday
A photograph of yesterday
Far off in a deserted part of town
The shadows like some silent army
Flooded out the rooms in pools of blue and brown
And stuck to all the walls like ivy

I have just listened to that-what a beautiful song.

Although regarding meaning someone on here states that it is a song written to his old self before MH issues.I think your synopsis makes more sense.https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858714274/

Al Stewart - Modern Times Lyrics & Meanings | SongMeanings

Modern Times Lyrics & Meanings: Hello old friend, what a strange coincidence to find you / It's been fifteen years since we last met, but I still recognised you / So call the barman over here, and let us fill our glasses / and drink a toast to olden ti...

https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858714274/

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 18/06/2025 11:50

Singer songwriter Al Stewart has a great song from the 70s about this called Modern Times- here’s the lyrics - great track if you google it

Hello, old friend, what a strange coincidence to find you
It's been fifteen years since we last met, but I still recognized you
So call the barman over here, and let us fill our glasses
And drink a toast to olden times where all our memories lie
Where all our memories lie
Do you remember the time we were young?
Lowly, lowly, low
Outside the window, the frosty moonlight hung
On the evening snow
So we pulled our scarves around our faces in the night
Huddled on the doorsteps where the fairy lights shone bright
Singing Christmas carols while our breath hung in the light
It all comes back like yesterday
It almost seems like yesterday
Do you remember the changes as we grew?
Slowly, slowly, slow
Sneaking in the back way into movies after school
For the evening show
Chasing skinny blue jean girls across the building site
Checking out the dance floor while the band played "Hold Me Tight"
See the blonde one over there: I bet she'd be alright
It all comes back like yesterday
It almost seems like yesterday
While I talked, he sat and he never made a sound
Staring at the glass beside me
Hey, old friend, tell me what's on your mind?
Silence grows on you like ivy
Ivy
Do you remember the church across the sands?
Holy, holy, ho
We stood outside and planned to travel the lands
Where the pilgrims go
So you packed your world up inside a canvas sack
Set off down the highway with your rings and Kerouac
Someone said they saw you in Nepal a long time back
Don't you have a word to say?
Tell me why you look away
He said, "I don't remember, don't want to remember
In fact I've heard too much already
I don't want to think, just leave me here to drink
Wrapped up in the warmth of New York City
Oh, oh, it seems you just don't know
And you just don't understand me
I've got no use for the tricks of modern times
They tangle all my thoughts like ivy
Ivy"
So I left him, I went out to the street
Lowly, lowly, low
Where the red light girls were running after me
Hundred dollar show
All across the city's heart the lights were coming on
The hotel lift softly hummed a Cole Porter song
If I went to look for him I knew he would be gone
A picture card of yesterday
A photograph of yesterday
Far off in a deserted part of town
The shadows like some silent army
Flooded out the rooms in pools of blue and brown
And stuck to all the walls like ivy

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 18/06/2025 11:46

He sounds like a real weirdo. Sorry. I wouldn't meet him again.

Keepingongoing · 18/06/2025 11:17

Glad to hear you’ve sent that text. It does contain pleasantries! You hope he has a good time at the ‘dinner party’ and wished him well.

Be prepared to hang up immediately when he phones you again from another number. I think he’ll keep trying you for a while

‘Quit his job again’….what a surprise. His presentation is shouting mental illness, which is very sad, but absolutely not a good idea for you to take him on. Hopefully he’ll eventually get scooped up by what remains of the MH services.

Original poster

tworoundsofwaterplease · 18/06/2025 11:10

Maddy70 · 18/06/2025 09:50

I think actually we all change. None of us are the same anymore so the relationship will be different anyway however. I suggest he's a fantasist and he was never in the army and created a whole exciting alter ego. I would run for the hills. He's making stuff up even now

I mentioned this incident to my (80 year old) Mum who said 'That bloody paratrooper regiment must be massive, the number of lost souls that have always been in it' 😂

I didn't know that was a thing?!

OP posts:

Original poster

tworoundsofwaterplease · 18/06/2025 11:09

PerkyGreenCat · 17/06/2025 16:33

Exactly what @LadeOde said. As girls, we're taught to be polite and inoffensive at all costs. You remained sitting there after all that? And now you're trying to think of excuses not to see him again? Because you couldn't possibly be rude to this strange man who is making you feel uncomfortable.

Tell him to fuck off. Balls to politeness! Block his number. If he calls from 10 different numbers, you block all 10. If you recognise his voice, you end the call. You don't owe anyone your time or your friendship.

Sorry, I missed this but you're definitely right. It's something I tell to other women all the time! I didn't so much mind the boss thing, I mean exaggerating your input into a business doesn't necessarily mean-creep plus perhaps it was a chain he ran and it was the owner of the chain or something? I don't know. Weirdly I can't find this cocktail bar online anywhere and when he rang yesterday he said he'd quit his job and was now a freelance wedding cocktail waiter.

I have texted him now.

'I am not coming on Friday. I hope you all have a great time, all the best for the future'.

It felt hard writing that without any pleasantries or excuses! It shouldn't have. I am definitely one of those who was brought up to be nice and tolerant.#

I am quite nervously awaiting my phone ringing from yet another different number-and the nature of my work (I am freelance as well as employed) means I quite often get calls from numbers I don't know. I am going to add a vm message to say to please text me with your details if I am unable to answer, so that potential clients are aware to do that rather than to keep trying ringing.

OP posts:

zingally · 18/06/2025 09:57

Hmmm... I don't think I'd see him again. Even socially. There's quite a few "red flags" here, that shout "mental health problems."

Maddy70 · 18/06/2025 09:50

I think actually we all change. None of us are the same anymore so the relationship will be different anyway however. I suggest he's a fantasist and he was never in the army and created a whole exciting alter ego. I would run for the hills. He's making stuff up even now

Springtimehere · 18/06/2025 09:42

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Flamingoknees · 18/06/2025 09:39

"I'm not coming to your dinner party Walter. Have a great time with your friends. Best wishes for the future" Block on everything.
He sounds manic. Very sad, but the fact that he is so insistent/persistent is a very worrying red flag.
Notice "I'm not", rather than "I can't".

ClareBlue · 18/06/2025 09:34

Inventing a military career has been part if numerous obsessive relationships that didn't end well. Say no thanks and distance from him.

Original poster

tworoundsofwaterplease · 18/06/2025 09:29

Keepingongoing · 18/06/2025 09:22

OP, gently, it doesn’t matter what he’s expecting wrt the dinner party. You’ve said that don’t want to go. You’ve also said you don’t need him in your life.

In your position I’d send a text saying that you definitely can’t come to the dinner party - and then don’t respond to anything further from him.

Has he even given you an address where the dinner party will supposedly be held? My guess from what you’ve said, is that the dinner party is a fantasy and if you meet him on Friday, you’ll end up by the river with a bag of chips.

Thank you.
Yes, it is weird isn't it?
I am definitely not going.
But I think you're right, if I did go it would be a case of my ringing him on my way ad him saying 'right I'll meet you at that place we were having a drink' and then he'd make up some excuse as to why the party wasn't happening-perhaps everyone had to be up early and went home early or something..
I am glad he doesn't know where I live.
I am going to tell him I can't come (not even sure which number to text as there are several now!) and then block each number and on fb.
The whole thing is just too odd for me.

I have a feeling that the woman whose photo he showed me is perhaps 'another me' in that she's perhaps thought he was okay, spent a bit of time with him and then disappeared but now she's apparently someone he's dating.

On the night in question he asked me to help him delete her number from WhatsApp. I mean, surely he knows how to do this, he even said he did it each time he had a drink.
I will become another her now I think!

OP posts:

Keepingongoing · 18/06/2025 09:22

OP, gently, it doesn’t matter what he’s expecting wrt the dinner party. You’ve said that don’t want to go. You’ve also said you don’t need him in your life.

In your position I’d send a text saying that you definitely can’t come to the dinner party - and then don’t respond to anything further from him.

Has he even given you an address where the dinner party will supposedly be held? My guess from what you’ve said, is that the dinner party is a fantasy and if you meet him on Friday, you’ll end up by the river with a bag of chips.

ManyATrueWord · 18/06/2025 09:22

With kindness, it's time for you to be blunt to the point of rudeness. "I don't want to see you again." Don't explain, don't apologise, don't get drawn trying to make it okay. Then block. Men like this can be dangerous.

Original poster

tworoundsofwaterplease · 18/06/2025 09:03

Keepingongoing · 18/06/2025 08:21

OP, where you say you’re trying to find a way of getting out of the dinner party…

This really sounds like an occasion where self- preservation has to override being kind, or basic courtesy. You’ve already told him you can’t go to the dinner party. Just keep saying that. Better still, don’t answer any calls for the next few days. It already sounds very sneaky that he rang you from a different number.

Based on all you’ve said, the dinner party is likely imaginary and there are no friends.

Does he know where you live?

I said no but it is clear he's still expecting me to go. For example he commented on a fb photo yesterday saying 'wear this on Friday!'

And when he rang I was at work and I said I couldn't go, sorry was working late on Friday 'oh no problem at all! Our dinner parties are always a late night thing!' See you then! I said 'no I can't, sorry but have a great time!' Then said I had to go, I was busy at work
'Its fine to come late! See you Friday!'
It was padded out more, he asked me what food I like/don't like etc but that was mainly it as to his expectations.

He knows the village i live in (some 30 mins from the city this dinner party is supposedly in, but that's it.

I'm confused about the party itself. He's cooking apparently but he says it is near the river where we were having a drink that last time. I didn't note any residential houses there at all.

OP posts:

Keepingongoing · 18/06/2025 08:21

OP, where you say you’re trying to find a way of getting out of the dinner party…

This really sounds like an occasion where self- preservation has to override being kind, or basic courtesy. You’ve already told him you can’t go to the dinner party. Just keep saying that. Better still, don’t answer any calls for the next few days. It already sounds very sneaky that he rang you from a different number.

Based on all you’ve said, the dinner party is likely imaginary and there are no friends.

Does he know where you live?