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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be unsure what neurotypical is anymore

231 replies

rainingitspouring2 · 17/06/2025 12:45

So this is not to antagonise or offend and maybe it could be because I am on the spectrum myself (but this has never been implied) but I am starting to question what being neurotypical looks like these days.

On social media so many of my suggested reels, posts etc are about neurodivergence and also articles in the media etc. Celebs revealing they have adhd or dyslexia. I have to say a lot of it is relatable to some degree to most people (that I know anyway). I have 2 young DS and so many of their friends have potential ADHD/ASD according to their parents. Or I notice traits in kids but their parents have never said anything (but I would just think they were a neurotypical kid if I didn't have so much awareness now) Even some the parents at the school gate are saying they have some neurodivergence too. So I am finding myself noticing potential traits in almost every individual I have close contact with.
I know people say with neurodivergence 'birds of a feather flock together' perhaps that is the case but I'm just loosing sight of what a neurotypical and what isn't.
I'd almost find it helpful if we had traits of neurotypicals outlined explicitly to see whether we aligne with that or not. I am getting quite confused.
Does anyone else feel the same or AIBU? Again not meaning to offend just looking to discuss

OP posts:
BlueLegume · 22/06/2025 07:29

Is there a test to diagnose being neuro typical?

SunnySideDeepDown · 21/06/2025 23:02

Thursst0n · 21/06/2025 10:19

You can feel all you like however you are wrong. Social contagion won’t get you past screening for the diagnosis pathway let alone on to the very long waiting lists and finally a diagnosis.

How on earth do you know private information of children in your dc’s class, all a child’s diagnosis details and who the hell are you to judge? Do you judge all disability diagnoses?

I know the parents well. And my child is in year 1, so I’d imagine that 4 will increase by the time they’re in Y6 and have worked their way through wait lists.

Social contagion doesn’t just affect Joe Bloggs down the pub. It affects psychologists, teachers, parents too. More diagnosis and awareness = more people looking for symptoms and too easily attributing to ND conditions.

florizel13 · 21/06/2025 19:18

myplace · 17/06/2025 13:41

I think we will move away from language like ‘typical’.

I think the variety of neurotypes is so great that typical no longer is.

There are people who thrive in a grad school set up and people who don’t. People who hyperfixate on detail and people who excel in bigger picture tasks.

I don’t know about my NT/ND status- there’s enough in my family and friendship groups to make it unsurprising. I have struggled in various ways.
I realised at the grand old age of 56 that I ‘have anxiety’. I had no idea. I over plan, fret, deploy systems… not because I like to be organised and well prepared as I thought but because I’m anxious. I thought my stress levels were about other people failing to plan ahead.

I've thought this for some time. "Neurotypical" doesn't seem to be "typical" at all!

KingscoteStaff · 21/06/2025 15:24

BlueLegume · 21/06/2025 12:53

@KingscoteStaff wow….are you a specialist school?

Nope - bog standard inner London Primary.

The kids are great and they do really well - 8 of my 14 'labelled' children have got into very selective secondaries. It's just a real ask for teachers to provide a completely bespoke learning experience for such a large proportion of the class.

SquigglePigs · 21/06/2025 14:54

TeenLifeMum · 17/06/2025 12:58

Apparently losing your keys is a sign you’re nd… there are people who don’t lose their keys?

The list of perfectly normal behaviours that are attributed to nd undermines and diminishes the challenges nd people face imo.

By contrast I'm ND and never lose my keys because I'm neurotic about them and they live in the same place all the time so losing them is not an option!

GnomeDavid · 21/06/2025 13:15

@BlueLegumeyes, I think people forget that NT kids can be pains in the ass too. That’s why people generally have all ND kids, I think it’s less so about genetics and more so about that they have no experience of what children are like so if their elder child is ND, they assume their younger child must be.
My NT child is equally as hard work as my ND child.

Summerseagulls · 21/06/2025 12:59

KingscoteStaff · 21/06/2025 12:51

I have a year 6 class of 28 children. Of those, 14 have a diagnosis of some sort - ASD,ADHD, PDA, OCD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Hearing impaired, Anxiety, Attachment disorder, PTSD.

For each of these children, I am sent lists of ways I need to adapt my teaching to suit them, many of which are direct contradictions.

I spend a huge amount of time planning and creating resources to suit each child, but when a class is 50% additional needs, the terminology becomes meaningless.

That must be so hard to teach like that
My daughter's friend is a teacher ,she says half her class English is not the first language and the other half a lot have SEN of some kind .
She's exhausted trying to manage ,budgets have been cut ,even those with an EHCP and a teaching assistant are having to share teaching assistants.
In fact when my youngest son was in school ,the head teacher spotted his autism before I did ,and got him support and he was placed with a child who already had an EHCP and a learning assistant to himself..this child had to share his learning assistant with my child ..which I felt really bad about ,as my child at that point didn't have a diagnosis or EHCP .
But maybe that's normal in schools now ,I don't know ,as mine are at home with education as the specialist school came to late for my boys the damage was already done and they couldn't adapt to it

BlueLegume · 21/06/2025 12:53

@KingscoteStaff wow….are you a specialist school?

Summerseagulls · 21/06/2025 12:52

Actually come to think of it ,I know two DC diagnosed privately..
Both parents paid private,to jump the qué to get to a special school.
(Both definitely are autistic..I was nagging both parents to get the child assessment sorted with NHS .)
But the private assesment,was not equal to the NHS one my sons and I had .
Both parents shared with me the diagnosis process and it was not as through as what the NHS do .
I deliberately did not want to do right to choose because of this and wanted the NHS assessment for myself and my sons, and was happy to wait the three years for each of us .
I didn't want a diagnosis of something that I wasn't completely sure I had , because I wasn't impressed with the process.
Definitely glad we went with NHS

KingscoteStaff · 21/06/2025 12:51

I have a year 6 class of 28 children. Of those, 14 have a diagnosis of some sort - ASD,ADHD, PDA, OCD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Hearing impaired, Anxiety, Attachment disorder, PTSD.

For each of these children, I am sent lists of ways I need to adapt my teaching to suit them, many of which are direct contradictions.

I spend a huge amount of time planning and creating resources to suit each child, but when a class is 50% additional needs, the terminology becomes meaningless.

BlueLegume · 21/06/2025 12:45

@GnomeDavid thanks for replying. I expected to be flamed! Has it been a helpful experience and how are you dealing with things - if that is not too intrusive, please don’t share if it is.

I am reflecting on parenting my own now adult kids years ago and each of them had different personalities and traits that I had to navigate some frustrating and difficult- but we managed without labelling the very ‘sporty one’ as ‘not very academic’ - turned out he was academic just too busy doing sport in school to engage as much with the academic side. The quiet one as socially awkward- turned out he was just someone who liked to listen and is now incredibly sociable but very picky - in a good way about who and what they engage with It is fascinating.

GnomeDavid · 21/06/2025 12:33

@BlueLegumeyes us on the NHS. Dd had a very thorough autism assessment with NHS assessor. Four hour interview and observed for a long time in school. They said definite traits, definitely something there, could be ADHD or speech and language delay or MLD. But there wasn’t enough impact on her day to day functioning which could be directly attributed to autism. I agreed with them. I have no doubt she would have been diagnosed with autism privately, the assessments are not as long.

BurntRaisin · 21/06/2025 12:22

MerryGrimaceShake · 21/06/2025 09:09

There are but it is rare, because even just to get referred for diagnosis you need a mountain of evidence from the school and they will only take referrals through the school after the child has seen an educational psychologist in the school setting. Which only happens when that mountain of evidence exists (in our case it was 2 years worth of observations for our child from the SENDco and her teacher)z

You can’t just decide your child has ADHD/Autism and pop them off to the assessment clinic, even if you go the private route.

But this is clearly NOT what happened in my child’s case and she’s been diagnosed on the flimsiest and most inconsistent of evidence and with minimal contact with NHS staff. So if it’s happened to us, surely it must have happened to others? Isn’t there some kind of standardised procedure that each health authority should be following?

Thursst0n · 21/06/2025 10:19

SunnySideDeepDown · 21/06/2025 10:15

I said overdiagnosis in children. There may be 1% diagnosed but that’s only so small because it includes those above 50yrs who are FAR less likely to have diagnosis or think of themselves as having symptoms that need a diagnosis.

People are divergent by nature - personalities and genes mean we are often quirky in lots of ways. Not everyone needs a diagnosis and it takes away resources from those who genuinely need it to function.

Funny how you think only 1% of people are diagnosed and yet 4 kids in my child’s class of 20 have ND diagnosis.

Were all entitled to different views and I strongly feel social contagion is at play in the current generation of parents and children.

You can feel all you like however you are wrong. Social contagion won’t get you past screening for the diagnosis pathway let alone on to the very long waiting lists and finally a diagnosis.

How on earth do you know private information of children in your dc’s class, all a child’s diagnosis details and who the hell are you to judge? Do you judge all disability diagnoses?

SunnySideDeepDown · 21/06/2025 10:15

Thursst0n · 21/06/2025 08:40

As you say you’re not qualified. ND is under diagnosed, particularly in women and girls.

ADHD

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cg5vp62dnnro.amp

Autism of which only 1% of the population has a diagnosis
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/under-diagnosis-of-autism-in-england

I said overdiagnosis in children. There may be 1% diagnosed but that’s only so small because it includes those above 50yrs who are FAR less likely to have diagnosis or think of themselves as having symptoms that need a diagnosis.

People are divergent by nature - personalities and genes mean we are often quirky in lots of ways. Not everyone needs a diagnosis and it takes away resources from those who genuinely need it to function.

Funny how you think only 1% of people are diagnosed and yet 4 kids in my child’s class of 20 have ND diagnosis.

Were all entitled to different views and I strongly feel social contagion is at play in the current generation of parents and children.

MerryGrimaceShake · 21/06/2025 09:09

BlueLegume · 21/06/2025 08:36

I include anyone taking their DC for assessments in my question above - so to reiterate - has anyone including DC been assessed and NOT been provided with a ND label - SEN needs included - there are a plethora of labels here one which really interests me ODD. Before I retired, worked in education- I saw a real uptick of children being diagnosed with this. https://www.sendtutoring.co.uk/specialism/how-we-can-help/oppositional-defiant-disorder-odd/

There are but it is rare, because even just to get referred for diagnosis you need a mountain of evidence from the school and they will only take referrals through the school after the child has seen an educational psychologist in the school setting. Which only happens when that mountain of evidence exists (in our case it was 2 years worth of observations for our child from the SENDco and her teacher)z

You can’t just decide your child has ADHD/Autism and pop them off to the assessment clinic, even if you go the private route.

Thursst0n · 21/06/2025 08:40

SunnySideDeepDown · 21/06/2025 07:36

My very unpopular opinion is that there is an element of social contagion. There is overdiagnosis in children and this societal phase will pass - it’s a hot topic. Lots of personality quirks are being assigned to ND.

Im not saying neurodivergence doesn’t exist, im saying it’s over diagnosed. Im not qualified and this is only my opinion. I’m not saying every diagnosis is a misdiagnosis. Don’t come at me.

As you say you’re not qualified. ND is under diagnosed, particularly in women and girls.

ADHD

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cg5vp62dnnro.amp

Autism of which only 1% of the population has a diagnosis
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/under-diagnosis-of-autism-in-england

A teenage girl sits in her uniform, listening to a man whose face is obscured

Greater awareness behind ADHD surge, study suggests - BBC News

Study found ADHD is not becoming more common, despite a surge in people being diagnosed.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cg5vp62dnnro.amp

BlueLegume · 21/06/2025 08:36

I include anyone taking their DC for assessments in my question above - so to reiterate - has anyone including DC been assessed and NOT been provided with a ND label - SEN needs included - there are a plethora of labels here one which really interests me ODD. Before I retired, worked in education- I saw a real uptick of children being diagnosed with this. https://www.sendtutoring.co.uk/specialism/how-we-can-help/oppositional-defiant-disorder-odd/

BlueLegume · 21/06/2025 08:06

Has anyone gone for assessment for ND/AuDHD/ADHD/OCD etc and NOT been diagnosed as ND but been told they are NT?

SunnySideDeepDown · 21/06/2025 07:36

My very unpopular opinion is that there is an element of social contagion. There is overdiagnosis in children and this societal phase will pass - it’s a hot topic. Lots of personality quirks are being assigned to ND.

Im not saying neurodivergence doesn’t exist, im saying it’s over diagnosed. Im not qualified and this is only my opinion. I’m not saying every diagnosis is a misdiagnosis. Don’t come at me.

Pricelessadvice · 21/06/2025 07:26

BeethovenNinth · 21/06/2025 04:37

priceless I find your post both refreshing and fascinating. One of my DDs suffers social anxiety and has some fixed coping methods. Everyone tells me “oh she must be autistic” because she finds socialising stressful. But she is the opposite - she is highly socially aware to the point she tortures herself with her thoughts. School has been a nightmare in secondary. Many of the autistic kids have navigated it more successful. Anxiety itself is a bastard and I tell people - is that not enough of a label in itself?

Even when we were younger (known each other since teens) and I was still acquiring the social skills I have now, I was able to navigate social interactions far better than her. Yes, a lot of it was a front for me then- basically a big act from watching how people interact and talk to each other- but I was still able to do it in a way she couldn’t. I remember her asking me how I could be so chatty and extrovert and I suggested to her to try and ‘fake it til you make it’ but she just couldn’t do it. She has crippling anxiety about everything, so I think she worries about how people will perceive her.
It breaks my heart that three decades on, she still has these struggles.

So it annoys me greatly when people downplay the struggles of NT people that they can’t be as bad as those with ND. The reality is that it can be utterly overwhelming and affect their lives just as much (or more, in my friends case). I suppose personality and character traits play a huge part, regardless of whether someone is NT or ND.

People often find it strange that I defend NT people so much when I am not one, but I think we run the risk of implying that NT people ‘have it easy’. They don’t. They can have anxieties, worries and issues just as much as anyone.

BeethovenNinth · 21/06/2025 04:37

priceless I find your post both refreshing and fascinating. One of my DDs suffers social anxiety and has some fixed coping methods. Everyone tells me “oh she must be autistic” because she finds socialising stressful. But she is the opposite - she is highly socially aware to the point she tortures herself with her thoughts. School has been a nightmare in secondary. Many of the autistic kids have navigated it more successful. Anxiety itself is a bastard and I tell people - is that not enough of a label in itself?

CheekyBeaker · 20/06/2025 22:45

Pricelessadvice · 20/06/2025 19:35

That sounds very difficult for you and I’m sorry it has affected you so much.

My Asperger’s caused me some pretty dreadful times when I was younger, but for me personally, learning to adapt to the world (albeit with my quite obvious quirks) has been life changing. It’s not been easy, far from it, but I’m now a pretty together 40 year old who has overcome more than a lot of people and I can deal with things I only dreamed I’d be able to when I was younger. I think age really helped me.

Out of curiosity, given how much you have struggled, do you get frustrated at the tendency nowadays for people to jump on everything (this forum is a good example) and suggest someone get tested for ASD or ADHD?

In all honesty, I'm only somewhat aware of the tendency you reference (I don't use any of the major social media platforms and I dip in and out of mumsnet) and, given the relative recency of my own diagnosis, my experience is meaningfully different from yours. I can, though, appreciate why it may feel extremely trivializing from your perspective.

Even without your history, I do know that there's a sense that everyone has a diagnosis now, to the point that even I can feel quite embarrassed to tell people, so I tend to limit disclosure to those people who are most impacted by my eccentricities.

There are people who I wish I could tell, but cant for various reasons, because it might help explain some horrific fuckups that I've made (despite genuine efforts), but I'm also conscious of your earlier post about people using it as an excuse, so am second guessing that now, too.

CheekyBeaker · 20/06/2025 22:23

HornungTheHelpful · 20/06/2025 19:22

So you weren’t functioning? This does sound extreme. I’m pleased your diagnosis has helped you. Please don’t think I am anti anything - just concerned about those for whom a diagnosis becomes limiting. As I think it can do.

It's a little nuanced, in that I do think I was functioning extremely poorly in some basic areas, sometimes at the risk of my personal safety and to the point where I felt "disabled" day-to-day (but didn't have a disability to point to).

That can be a tough thing to process, that you've been (at various times, albeit with diminishing frequency) held out as exceptionally gifted, and therefore feel a certain pressure to succeed, yet you cannot imagine ever being able to reliably turn up to work, or be able to concentrate adequately to do most jobs.

On the flip side, though, even before my diagnosis, I ultimate had a good career/salary and bought my first home. While I spent a long time clinging on by my fingernails, I think it makes it hard to say that I wasn't functioning (certainly with reference to other people who are further disadvantaged), but only because my extreme strengths offset or masked my extreme difficulties.

Obviously, everyone has strengths and weaknesses, but I hope that I've better conveyed how profound my difficulties were, in a way that I do make it a bit more justifiable for me to ponder if an earlier diagnosis, that allowed me to more meaningfully participate in my studies (which I wanted to do and did repeatedly seek assistance for) might have meant for me, and why I'm glad that younger people today might find that support more readily available.

Pricelessadvice · 20/06/2025 19:35

CheekyBeaker · 20/06/2025 19:22

For me, I did care though, and wanted to do better, but a combination of chronic insomnia (due to a racing brain, even if no particular stressors), lateness (forgetting to set alarms, losing track of time) and disorganization (turning up at the wrong place at the wrong time, or finding out the class you were determined to go to was actually yesterday) were the biggest issues I faced in academia.

Though, ironically, also what kept me in academia for so long because I didn't think I'd be able to hold down a job.

I did seek support, to try and self-improve, but I wasnt able to understand the issues I was experiencing, so it treatment for comorbidities (like going to the doctor, counsellors or - against my better judgment but out of desleration - alternative medicine practitioners). I genuinely wanted to be better, and was interested, but I didn't fundamentally understand my issue. ADHD never crossed my mind and it was ultimately that diagnosis that resulted in the most positive change.

If it helps...I have not announced my diagnosis on social media, nor to most of my friends or to my extended family. This thread might be the most I've ever talked about it.

That sounds very difficult for you and I’m sorry it has affected you so much.

My Asperger’s caused me some pretty dreadful times when I was younger, but for me personally, learning to adapt to the world (albeit with my quite obvious quirks) has been life changing. It’s not been easy, far from it, but I’m now a pretty together 40 year old who has overcome more than a lot of people and I can deal with things I only dreamed I’d be able to when I was younger. I think age really helped me.

Out of curiosity, given how much you have struggled, do you get frustrated at the tendency nowadays for people to jump on everything (this forum is a good example) and suggest someone get tested for ASD or ADHD?

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