To not understand why its so hard to adjust?

It's really not hard. People just are arrogant believing their way is the only way and can't be arsed to adjust.

Its hard for grandparents these days as so many things they were told to do or were accepted as OK when they became parents have now become unacceptable. They often feel that it was OK when they did it so whats the issue now. Try to explain that new advice says not to do certain things (pick the important ones) like overheating. With grapes etc, perhaps give them a pulp teeether to use, the dog issue for me would be a no. On all the things that probably don't matter too much let it go . And ask them their advice every now and again to make them feel useful. Its hard, as I am sure they mean well they just need to be made aware of some of the upto date stuff that matters.

I am 58. My parents are mid 80s.

Some of the things you mention were not normal when I was a kid!
My parents looked after their grandkids 20 years ago, and there were many changes since we were little, especially around car seats etc. My parents followed what we asked, as a matter of courtesy to us.

Your parents are being ridiculous. Those things were not normal when you were a child, and if they were they they were out of step even then.

One or two I did roll my eyes at. (washing machine and teddies in bed for a toddler are not really an issue.)
But there are enough things on that list which would be non-negotiables, especially the dog (and I am a dog owner)

I do think that you are actually not dealing with it though. The next time she says they want to spend more time with dc, then you need to say - I can't leave him here at the moment because you disagree with me about things which are important to me around safety. If you were to agree to those things, then you could have him one day per week.

The big question is whether or not you trust them to stick to the rules when you are not there.

YANBU to want to keep your child safe.

You are the parent so it is your job to keep him safe. That means you only allow people who adhere to the same safety standards as you to take care of him.

You wouldn't send your child to a childminder whose house wasn't set up to care for children properly, so you apply the same standards to your parents.

You should treat your parents like any other person who you don't trust to care for your child. That means you have to supervise him yourself when at their house. You don't leave him in their care and you certainly don't let him travel in their car without an appropriate car seat.

Wondering gently if they are pushing back because they simply didn't have those issues with their own children. My DD (absolutely no angel) just didn't pull things like fireguards over. She didn't stick knives in sockets, pull things out of cupboards, slam doors, try and eat detergent pods or whatever. I can't remember what we did with tomatoes and grapes. DD did climb dangerously high trees but that's a different issue.

I never had to deal with any of the things you mention. Backwards facing child seats are statistically safer but seem counter intuitive, for example. Obviously all children are different and I wonder if your parents just aren't used to a more active child? I am not making excuses, just wondering.

Your child, your rules. They follow them, or they don’t see him. It’s really simple. Doesn’t matter if they, or indeed I or anyone else, agrees with you, he’s your child. Stick to your guns op.

Another thing I do everything my dil says because. A we have a fantastic relationship so would not want to jepordise that. but more importantly. We find newer safety guidelines with every generation and I would never want anything to happen to my girls .the dog thing is madness. I never feel grandaughters in any danger from my dog .but that's because he is well trained and never left alone with them .because dogs are descendants from wolves after all

Speaking as a grandmother.

DH & me have always had the policy that the children's parents are in charge & we follow their rules.

We recognise that times change & things once considered safe are no longer safe. If one of our DCs had specified a particular kind of car seat, DH & me would go out & buy that kind. Our GC are growing up now (youngest nearly 7), but when they were little we asked DC's advice on how to make our house & garden safe for little ones. We have a very calm friendly spaniel, but would never leave a young child alone with her. It doesn't matter how calm & good a dog is, there's no knowing how they may react if a toddler pulls their ear or scares them.

As an older mumsnetter, we were very safety conscious with our children. I guess we didn’t have small tomatoes and rarely had grapes around, but even the car seat, dog awareness and cot safety in the 1990s was well known. If you were just visiting occasionally I’d say you have to respect their rules and simply be on guard at all times, but no way are they adequate as carers. I haven’t worked in early years since Covid, but I’m sure things have changed significantly and would be open to improved safety ideas. I guess your parents wouldn't like to drive cars and be treated by the NHS based on 1980/90s practices!

Bleeding heck they soundy batty on somethings the fire guard and the bleach cupboard being the obvious. We as grandparents must go with the times especially for safety .I mean my mum did the grape thing 30 odd years ago so they didn't miss that one just the type unwilling to bend for small children. I do everything my dil suggests the only thing I did push back a bit was .no blankets sorry a sleepless sleeping bag is no good on a cold winters night unless you have 24hr heating. A few light baby blankets onto does no harm .the only thing she agreed was fine from my sons baby days .

Agree. The dog is the biggest red flag here. I say this as a dog lover and owner and a mother. Time to get firm, OP.

I wouldn't leave my dc alone with them again. They aren't safe to care for him.

I'm in my 60s and I didn't bother with child locks on the cupboards or closing the washing machine, but that was because child-proof lids were already the norm (and most of them I struggled to open), and the washing machine was in a different room with a high latch.

All the other risks were well known. I cannot imagine not securing a fire guard.
Basically they care more for their plasterwork than they do for your child.

I’m a granny to three grandchildren. My ds and his wife are doing things differently to the way I did things when I was raising my three - we discuss the differences, and how things have changed, but the bottom line is that they are the parents, so dh and I follow their lead when we are helping look after their children.

There are plenty of things where the guidelines have got stricter since I was raising babies - car seats is a perfect example - but I don’t see that as a criticism of how we did it back in the day - I don’t take it personally. I could say “We did X, or Y or Z with you, and you turned out fine” - but I wouldn’t do that. I prefer to tell them what a good job they are doing, and how proud I am.

I want a good relationship with ds1 and my wonderful DIL, and their daughters - I love them and want to support them - that’s what matters for me. Do I agree with all the new guidelines/child rearing methods? No, I don’t - but that doesn’t matter - it is completely irrelevant.

Your parents sound like tools to me.

I wouldn't be leaving my dc with them at all ever.

This is the perfect response OP.

I think there are two elements to this.

One is that by telling your parents that the things they did when you were a child were wrong, you are basically implying that they were bad parents who didn't keep you safe, when as far as they are concerned. you were perfectly safe because you survived into adulthood. You're not being unreasonable or wrong at all - advice changes! But I think subconsciously it can be irksome for parents who brought their kids up safely without doing the things we would do now.

My mum is 80, had three kids and worked in childcare all her working life. She was an incredibly good and conscientious mum and had training in childcare and child safety etc - so she tends to bristle slightly at being told she's doing things wrong because to her it feels like she's being patronised or told she wasn't a good parent/carer because she used to do some of the things parents are now told are dangerous/harmful/wrong. She did respect wishes around stuff like cutting up grapes for my brother's kids when they were little, but I know it annoyed her. Your parents should be respecting your wishes but I can see why they'd be a bit irritable or feel a bit attacked.

The other is that you're asking them to make actual modifications to their home to make it childproof for a small child when they are not in fact parents of a small child. I don't have kids and I wouldn't be fixing anything to my walls either, or fitting child locks to my cupboards. If that meant I wasn't allowed to babysit toddlers, that's fine - the parents would need to find someone else to provide childcare.

You are obviously not in the wrong for wanting your child to be safe! I completely understand your worries over car seats, cots, grapes etc and they should be respecting your wishes even if it annoys them. But I don't think fixed fireguards, child locks, door wedges etc are something they're obliged to fit in their own house, and I think if you're not happy about the safety standards then you need to stop leaving your son with them when you're not there and accept that you can't use them for childcare.

You aren’t keeping your child safe when you allow them to do what they want. Time to stop allowing your child over there.

You’re right you shouldn’t and don’t come across as judging or criticising their approach.

But you do need to value your own wellbeing and take a critical look at how they’re making you feel. You clearly feel stressed and you’re questioning your own approach to life. Good people don’t make you feel like this.

It’s really okay to listen to your feelings and stop letting them take up head space or letting them look after your son alone.

Please don’t let these absolute twats look after your child, ever.

I wasn’t given whole grapes as a child and my mum had sensible car seats and a fire guard and I’m 35. You just have twatty parents. I really hope you don’t leave your kids with them.

I think a very frank conversation where you say "I would love him to spend more time with you, as much as you would, but your insistence at continuing to do things that I don't believe to be safe for my son, means that just can't happen which is a real shame. Research is continually evolving and there is no need to put him at risk in order to prove a point"

Maybe point out the ways in which smoking, asbestos etc are viewed now we know more about them. Or that you understand that they followed the guidance in their day and now you're following it in yours.

Hmm most of the atuff you've suggested is reasonable but a few might seem over the top so there's a chance they've just ruled all your safety precautions as excessive.