This is really silly, but how to ‘ sort out ‘ these squabbles between small kids ?

I tend to take the approach you are doing with that their own special toys are theirs and communal toys they need to take turns with. But it is exhausting and the squabbling can be draining if they’re that way out (sometimes they’ll share nicely) - Mine are also DD(5) and DS(3) so right there with you!

Perfectly ok and normal, thanks for you concern.

They sound fine to me!

I think this is a dependant thing. When younger if the toy SS was playing with wears shareable, absolutely, however, if something is exclusively his then it is 100% his choice entirely.

My SS is the older of 3 and I have always been clear and firm on this, especially as he is older by a few years and, whilst I understand his brother looks up to him and emulates him, some of the things he has are too expensive to be left in the hands of his younger brother.

I am all for sharing something shareable, but something that solely belongs to that individual should be their choice, as it is in adulthood.

If you dont want to share it, put it in your room and play with it by yourself. Id then try to encourage them to pick something to play with they'd like to share

Agree. We encourage sharing and they're generally very good at it but they also know if they have their own special things they don't have to share if they don't want to, although of course it's nice if they do.

If you want your kids to grow up to be selfish brats who are all “me, me, me” then continue as is.

For everyone else though, “sharing is caring”. Per a (depressingly) few of the other replies, my children once they have played with their own toy for a reasonable period of time will share it with someone else: a friend, a sibling, etc.

What a stupid analogy: the reason people don’t share their phone with a random stranger on the bus is because it’s a random stranger on the bus.

We have different definitions of sharing and taking turns in our house.

Sharing (letting someone use your personal things) is always a choice but we tell them that 'people who share get more' meaning that people will be more willing to share with them if they are kind. If there is a very desirable toy they are playing with around others, we would ask them to be discreet to avoid other children being upset they can't play too. They can put away special toys when friends come over if they don't want to share.

Taking turns however is not a choice. If it's a shared toy and someone asks for a turn, you negotiate when they can have their turn but it can't be an unacceptably long period of time.

They're 7 and 4 now and they play nicely together and don't fight over toys. They also independently share party bag contents between themselves so the other doesn't feel jealous.

I think I try to approach with the rules of adulthood. I feel that it's good for children to have their own boundaries and control over their belongings. How would I feel if someone insisted I let them have a turn on my personal laptop when I was in the middle of a work project?

Second this.

They're 8 and 10 now and pretty good at reaching their own solutions rather than risk my intervention. (It's not always handing it over, it's often a trade or a later commitment).

I try to explicitly teach them the language they need to sort out these situations. "Please can I have a turn with that when you've finished with it?" (the "when you've finished" but being crucial), the various responses and how to respond to those responses. A lot of role play and a lot of praise when they manage to do it independently. If someone really doesn't want to share something, that's ok but they have to understand that the other might not share with them next time. It takes time and effort but I think it's worth it.

In our house we’ve always had the toys that are “community property” that everyone takes turns with and shares, and those toys live in a communal area. There’s no ifs or buts about those toys: they belong to everyone.
Their own special toys they’ve been gifted for birthdays/Christmas or bought with their own money? That’s their’s and it’s up to them if they want to share it or not.
The whole concept of children being made to share everything is wild to me 😵‍💫 Do I have to share my donut with everyone in the office because they quite like the look of my donut? No. It’s my donut 🤨🤨

OK but it sounds like you and your DH need to decide whether you are going to teach your children that some toys are personal property, or that all toys are communal.
Your kids were presumably nagging the little girl about her toy as it's a bit of a confused concept in your house - do they have personal belongings or is everything shared?
It's causing more fights between them as they're getting mixed messages from their parents.

You sound very reasonable! Your DH is being a bit of a ninny.

Kids should not be made to "share" their personal property. Stuff like a climbing frame yes obviously, but something they were given as a gift and wanted to play with themselves? Nope.

For anyone saying kids should be made to share - do you share your phone with anyone on the bus who asks for it? Thought not.

I would say they ask for it "Please can I play with your toy?"

Responses can be given with a no but there must be an explanation why so the asker can understand why no is a reasonable answer and it also forces the person saying no to give a valid reason instead of them saying no because they want to be peevish.

"No I am still playing with it right now". "No I am using it in my game."

The other person can then ask further "Can I play with that when you have finished with it please?"

I find it works better if the person who has a toy knows they can continue until they are ready to share. If forced to give it up when they are asked that causes issues. It also helps the other person know that no can be an answer and they have to accept it sometimes.

You have to model it though as it won't just happen if you tell them to do that.

If they started proper squabbling over a toy I just gave them one warning then took it away from them both.

eventually that turns into ‘what happens when you fight over things?’ And they suddenly find a compromise..!

If you want children to understand the idea of personal property - ie that someone owns something then you cannot force them to share.

Otherwise how do you explain ownership of items in shops or adult's items. Would you be happy with them sharing your make up or personal items?

We live in a society where people own things - children need to know that things they hold precious they are allowed to keep safe, and cannot be forced to give them away for some unidentified length of time.

We had the rule that personal things stayed in their bedrooms, whilst things that they were willing to share were in communal areas. We also introduced early on knocking for permission to enter someone's room.

If it's a shared toy then timers can work well.

My kids are the same age. I set an alarm for 5 mins on Alexa and they have to give the other person a turn when the alarm goes off

My older one used to convince my younger one to share party bag sweets when only younger one had been to a party. I was very clear that the rule needed to be consistent, no "my sweets are for me, your sweets are for sharing." They chose to share and still do actually, into the teen years although birthday parties look different!
Toys, anything new you get to keep to yourself for a while. Bedtime toys (cuddlies) are never touched by the non owner. Shared things come with a parent specified policy (who gets to be the admin on a shared computer game!) Everything else is fair game to use.
They do grow out of it given lots of praise and encouragement for making prosocial choices.

Well you can’t tell someone else’s kid what to do with their own toy, that’s different. In your house with your kids it’s your rules. If my 5 year old was playing with his own toy car and his brother wanted it then it would be a no, because he’s playing with it. If the 3 year old wants to play with brothers car that’s in a draw then yeah there’s no reason why the brother can’t share.