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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at what DH wrote in my birthday card?

171 replies

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 18:29

"I'm very fond of you." 22 years married! No 'I love you'.

As this is AIBU, I fully expect half of you to say I should be grateful to have a DH who even gives me a birthday card and who is fond of me. Whilst the other half will say he's checked out of the marriage and I should LTB.

But honestly, how would you feel?

OP posts:
EdithBond · 16/06/2025 21:35

ChampagneLassie · 16/06/2025 21:06

Love this. Poetry is amazing isn’t it? @PrincessOfPreschool the poem
really pricked me just chat to your DH ❤️

Show quote history

100%. @Oddsocksanduglyshoes this poem nails it.

You said it like a kindness
but it landed like a shrug.

I wanted wild.
I wanted trembling hands
and a voice that caught on my name.

@PrincessOfPreschool Think he needs to find ways to reignite the wild.

Fond wouldn’t cut it for me.

Longsleepneeded · 16/06/2025 21:33

Was it a joke? It's the sort of thing my DH would write, we do have a jokey relationship though. He hardly ever says he loves me! I know he does though.

Gonners · 16/06/2025 21:27

MoistVonL · 16/06/2025 19:35

I’d assume he was kidding - I got mine an anniversary card that said Not Bad For An Old Fella. I also like the Tim Minchin song that says “You’re not special. Well, you’re special but you fall within a bell curve…”

But if you don’t think that’s the sort of thing he’d say in jest, you probably need a chat.

That Tim Minchin song is wonderful and so true. But then his wife has a sense of humour.

beetr00 · 16/06/2025 21:22

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 21:10

I think I'm probably more fond of the dog (especially right now).

Show quote history

🤣

ThisChic · 16/06/2025 21:20

feelingbleh · 16/06/2025 20:44

🤣🤣 this cracked me up does he also shake your hand when you come home. I honestly wouldn't take it seriously its either a joke or he's just being a man and not thinking.

This

ThisChic · 16/06/2025 21:17

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 16/06/2025 18:42

Fond”

You said you were fond of me.
Like I was a footstool.
Or a well-behaved spaniel
that doesn’t jump on guests.

Fond.
Not passionate.
Not taken, nor smitten,
not even mildly captivated.
Just —
fond.

Like I’m a flavour you don’t mind,
a song you hum but never learn the words to,
a cushion that’s always there,
but never quite your favourite.

You said it like a kindness
but it landed like a shrug.
Like you were offering a biscuit
to a dog who’d begged too long.

I wanted wild.
I wanted trembling hands
and a voice that caught on my name.
I wanted
you.

But you said you were fond of me.
Like you’d say to a garden gnome
you never asked for,
but now can’t be bothered to move.

😂

Original poster
PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 21:14

Alice Walker's poem (for those enjoying the poetry):

I’m Really Very Fond

I’m really very fond of you,
he said.

I don’t like fond.
It sounds like something
you would tell a dog.

Give me love,
or nothing.

Throw your fond in a pond,
I said.

But what I felt for him
was also warm, frisky,
moist-mouthed,
eager,
and could swim away

if forced to do so.

— Alice Walker

OP posts:
Papyrophile · 16/06/2025 21:14

DH is solidly sound and a good egg, but he's a bit dyslexic too. I tend to wait to respond for a few minutes longer because the response is usually spot on when it arrives...

Original poster
PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 21:10

beetr00 · 16/06/2025 20:45

@PrincessOfPreschool

"I think it was a bit of a subconscious, don't-feel-close to you, just-writing-how-I-feel rather than deliberately designed to hurt"

Are you projecting, a little?

How do you feel about your husband?

I think I'm probably more fond of the dog (especially right now).

OP posts:
Papyrophile · 16/06/2025 21:07

Actually, I'd just think he was male.

Bepo77 · 16/06/2025 21:06

This is exactly what I'd write in my DHs card as a joke!

ChampagneLassie · 16/06/2025 21:06

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 16/06/2025 18:42

Fond”

You said you were fond of me.
Like I was a footstool.
Or a well-behaved spaniel
that doesn’t jump on guests.

Fond.
Not passionate.
Not taken, nor smitten,
not even mildly captivated.
Just —
fond.

Like I’m a flavour you don’t mind,
a song you hum but never learn the words to,
a cushion that’s always there,
but never quite your favourite.

You said it like a kindness
but it landed like a shrug.
Like you were offering a biscuit
to a dog who’d begged too long.

I wanted wild.
I wanted trembling hands
and a voice that caught on my name.
I wanted
you.

But you said you were fond of me.
Like you’d say to a garden gnome
you never asked for,
but now can’t be bothered to move.

Love this. Poetry is amazing isn’t it? @PrincessOfPreschool the poem
really pricked me just chat to your DH ❤️

Hedjwitch · 16/06/2025 21:05

Our cards just say " love,[name].
After 40 years together,there isn't much else to say.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 16/06/2025 21:03

It's a very odd, old fashioned and rather formal thing for a husband to say to his wife. If you've only been married 22 years then I'm guessing you are not exactly geriatric? It's more what I'd expect an elderly uncle to say to his niece, or what an elderly person might say to their carer, with a tenner in a card at Christmas.

faintingfancy · 16/06/2025 20:57

I would laugh, personally!

beetr00 · 16/06/2025 20:45

@PrincessOfPreschool

"I think it was a bit of a subconscious, don't-feel-close to you, just-writing-how-I-feel rather than deliberately designed to hurt"

Are you projecting, a little?

How do you feel about your husband?

feelingbleh · 16/06/2025 20:44

🤣🤣 this cracked me up does he also shake your hand when you come home. I honestly wouldn't take it seriously its either a joke or he's just being a man and not thinking.

IButtleSir · 16/06/2025 20:42

MauveLeader · 16/06/2025 18:36

I think that is dreadful. It’s possibly Maya Angelou who writes a poem about being told someone was fond of her. She comments that is something you would say to a dog. I’ll look for it.

It was Alice Walker.

hedgingmybets25 · 16/06/2025 20:42

There’s that film isn’t there with Helen Mirren on Netflix/prime at the moment where “I’m terribly fond of you” is kind of a “thing”. My parents say it to each other for a laugh

Walker1178 · 16/06/2025 20:40

Er yeah, I’m not sure how I’d take that OP. Did he think it was a nice thing to say?

Just in case it helps for comparison - I’m very fond of strawberries. Most of the time I’d put DP above them

Ilovepastafortea · 16/06/2025 20:39

Eyesopenwideawake · 16/06/2025 18:42

This reminds of the card Alan Sugar once sent his wife for her birthday "Best wishes, Alan". She very nearly divorced him!

So want the laughing emoji back for this one. 😂😂

CandyCane457 · 16/06/2025 20:35

As a sentimental person who keeps cards and makes holiday scrapbooks etc, the message my partner writes in every valentines, anniversary (we aren’t married but we do acknowledge our yearly anniversary of our first date!)Christmas and birthday card do mean a lot to me. He isn’t overly emotional verbally, tells me he loves me daily etc and is very affectionate, but every now and then I will tell him how much he means to me, I appreciate him, tell him things he does to make me happy or that I love about him, but he isn’t always great at returning these verbal sentiments and gets a bit bashful.
However in the four cards he gets me each year, he writes such beautiful things about his love for me, what our relationship means to him etc etc etc, and I adore these messages and will keep them forever. So yes, with this in mind, if in my next card he just wrote he was “fond” of me, I’d be really hurt too!

PopeJoan2 · 16/06/2025 20:28

Maybe it’s a quote from a song in a musical where the man can’t bring himself to say the L word so uses fond instead. At the climax of the show he emerges out of his shell and belts out a rousing number where he proclaims his undying love - I La-la love yew!

Praying4Peace · 16/06/2025 20:26

TBF, some people (especially men) are not good at saying/writing' I love you'

Original poster
PrincessOfPreschool · 16/06/2025 20:26

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 16/06/2025 20:19

Sorry didn’t mean to make you feel worse was in an anthology of poems I have

Show quote history

It's a great poem! Well done, anon. It's OK to make me feel worse, it also validated my feelings! So have a proper talk to DH but not today.

OP posts: