AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

Looking past looks is fair enough but marry someone you actually like and can be good friends with,

You seem very detached from the general idea of falling in love, OP. Does this factor in to it at all?

I grew up in a very working class family and my mum did actually used to joke ‘marry first for money, second for love’ - but if you want children, you really really must do that with someone you’re very happy with. Babies are a huge upheaval and you need to be a brilliant team to parent through it.

I had a similar-ish childhood. The way I dealt with that was, like you, getting a good education and solid career. I made sure that I was able to single-handedly give my DCs what they need to be happy, healthy and settled. There's no evidence to suggest being ultra-wealthy makes happier DCs than just a good, solid, safe, secure and supported childhood. I married a wonderful man who is also intelligent, education and successful - but it's not why I married him. If he walked out tomorrow and didn't support me at all, I would be able to support our DCs on my own.

What you're saying is that you lacked financial support in your childhood so you want to ensure your future DH can financially support his DCs regardless of whether he can offer them kindness, love, interest, and a role model of what love should be. Why not just make your own bed and then get the best of both worlds?

Well just tell them that then. If that's what your priority is and you're happy to be transparent about it, why do you care what anyone else thinks?

Choosing a partner ONLY based on wealth and status is bonkers. Money and privilege doesn’t guarantee they will be a good parent. IME really wealthy family close ranks anyway. If you marry into that kind of family and it doesn’t work out you’ll be screwed. Even if they still make sure your DC’s are taken care of (no guarantees if other children later come along) then all it does is serve to drive a wedge between you and your children when you can’t give them the same luxuries dad and his family can post divorce.
Research actually suggests marrying people from a similar social status as yourself is usually far more successful. If you’ve done well for yourself why not look for someone similar with shared values and attitudes to finances. You don’t have to marry a complete bum who refuses to work, there’s plenty of people in between!

Money doesn't buy happiness. Don't you want to love your partner and be happy? Golddigger is not a good look.

Totally understand wanting someone with financial security to offer.

In terms of an ‘elite family’, if you mean upper class you’d be likely to set yourself up for a life of misery as generally they care very much about people’s upbringings and yours wouldn’t pass the muster. And actually serious family wealth is protected in complex trusts usually so you’d risk being trapped in an unhappy marriage or having your child in an unequal financial landscape post divorce.

In short, bad idea!

Imagine a younger Boris Johnson.
My legs would be firmly crossed.

Well, I wouldn’t make it the only goal. You and your kids would be pretty miserable if said bloke was an abusive arsehole and you would end up fucking up your kids anyway. However, not unreasonable to want a certain level of stability and financial responsibility from a partner.

I wonder if your initial post is accurate. Are you sure you are not looking for someone with the same outlook as you have as well? Someone wealthy and successful with a similar goal to give their child a good future?

I would exercise some care. In reality I think there is a balance. Marrying hopefully forever is a long time, so pick your life partner well. You need someone you can laugh with, cry with and enjoy life with. I was born into poverty with an alcoholic for a father, so I see nothing wrong in wanting security. I think you just need though to be a little bit more balanced between security and the partner that makes you sparkle.

It’s better to cry in an Lamborghini than Honda civic. All men are a disappointment. Follow the money.

Best advice I ever received tbh

Well you wouldn't be the first person op! It's up to you what you find attractive in a person/relationship I guess. When I lived in London in my 30s all the women I worked with were only looking for financially successful partners. Majority are still together.

I went for fun, and sense of humour, and ended up a single mother with a narcissistic arsehole ex who contributed nothing but debt and misery. 😅

The only thing about the elite families is that they might only consider other elite families? Does your family fit that status? Money and status won't matter if they consider it "marrying down". I imagine that would be a miserable life.

having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

Unfortunately this is not a given - unless there is a basis of trust and mutual respect between the parents, no matter how much money and elite status one parent has, it is no guarantee that the DC's future is secured. Many high earners or high status people divorce their spouse and have nothing to do with their children - it's the basis of a million and one novels, films, etc.

I suspect if you had said that you didn't want to "just marry for love" but instead wanted to include in your consideration of a partner their financial status and that they would be a stable partner for you as you form a family, then most people would absolutely agree with you!

But the most important thing has to be shared values, good/productive communication styles, and shared attitudes towards the "big things" like money, marriage, kids, etc. That's the bedrock for a successful partnership and successful offspring, in my opinion.

It sounds like what you want to secure for your children is a childhood you didn't have - but plenty of poor people have very happy childhoods. What you were missing was good, loving parents. And that has nothing to do with money. Plenty of rich people are absolutely fucking terrible parents.

It's not wrong to not want to marry someone who is financially irresponsible, but putting how much money they have above whether you think they'd be an engaged, loving parent and a supportive partner is only risking your children having a shitty dad who happens to also have a lot of money.

This is Maslow's hierarchy of needs in action - the bottom level basics need to be sorted for you to feel safe, and meanwhile you haven't got time or headspace to consider the spiritual needs - the need for truth, for honesty, for emotional peace.

I would strongly advise you NOT to make lifetime decisions when you are still in the 'stop coping / start feeling' stage of healing. It is not fair to either party and you will only have Ito unpick the decision, at cost to yourself and others, and start over, but you will have wasted precious time.

Take a couple of years and relax where you are, talk to someone who understands, and save money to keep safe.
X

Well as long as you're honest with them I suppose.

"I don't love you Dave and never will but we get on ok, so will you marry me?"

I can't imagine what sort of bloke would say yes.

If you want your children to have the good childhood you didn’t, then surely you have to be interested in the personality, character and values of their father? Being able to afford to buy them stuff isn’t the same as having a father who loves them and who they can have an emotionally healthy relationship with. Plus children obtain a huge part of their own template for what a healthy romantic relationship looks like from what they see their parents modelling: if they grow up seeing mum’s benchmark for this as “he was easy enough to get along with”, rather than a proper loving, mutually respectful and supportive partnership, they’re likely to end up with a dysfunctional template.

You have a great career. Talking about "elites families" is kind of gross. Someone with a normal or decent job will do just fine combined with yours.

Having money and connections doesn't make someone a good person.
Your parents issues and your bad relationship with them wasn't because of lack of money it was because of their personalities.
Rich people can be alcoholics, addicts, controlling, selfish, and terrible parents just as much as poor people.
So yes I think you are being very unreasonable to focus on wealth.

If you're so successful, you don't need a partner to secure your future children's future.

If money and elitism is all that you are concerned with in a partner, you could end up just as unhappy as in your childhood. There has to be a basic compatibility for a marriage to work.

Picking only for wealth and status? You have a high chance of picking someone you'll have a disastrous marriage with and give your kids a shitty childhood.

Picking a wealthy high status person who you actually like and get on with? Better, obviously. But are there people who care about wealth and status enough to chase them who you will like and get on with? My experience of men who are wealth-seeking and status-aware is that they are almost entirely fucking arseholes or greasy smug self-important entitled wankers. Or if they just happen to be born wealthy and in a "good" family, hard to click with since their experience of life is so diametrically opposite to mine (or perhaps yours) that they simply can't understand you.

I've known three rich fellas who were nice, though. They do exist. And as you say, friends broke up from their (presumably) love matches.

Do as you wish, but be aware of potential repercussions of limiting your selection pool.

People prioritise different things in a relationship but at the end of the day, if you don't love them (and they don't love you) then it won't work. And even then it might still not.

I agree with a PP who suggested that therapy might be a good idea; given the childhood you have had it's not surprising that you have some issues to work through.