AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

Can’t you look for both. At least someone you’re attracted to?

It sounds tough if you have to do the whole relationship and marriage thing glossing over that part.

And that’s fine, as long as both partners are on board. OP would have to tell her partner of her intentions (and he’d have to be happy with that being the basis of their relationship) for it to work. Otherwise she’s depriving him of his chance to be loved.

@QuaintFinch I certainly wouldn’t advise “dating down”, but I wouldn’t go digging for gold either. There must be some “equal yoke” partners out there!

ok so i have a different take but with a caveat - huge one and most often hard if not impossible to achieve.

the reasons you state have been the backbone of many arranged marriages in many cultures for many many centuries. I think the rate of success often has little to do with how the marriage came about - none are guaranteed to work out.

BUT the caveat is both parties have to understand the basis for the relationship / marriage and go in with their eyes open (putting aside the fully forced / no choice marriages that go on) with the same expectations about love, intimacy and everything else that makes a relationship work and what you each want to get out of it re future plans i.e. kids.

So why I said not unreasonable is it could work if BOTH people agree on the basis / reasons for and limitations of the relationship and go into it with the same expectations.

Where expectations differ and there is a mismatch - in any relationship however it started / came to be - that will not work. Ever.

Anyway we're not that far from the animal kingdom - you still look for the best provider / breeder albeit subconsciously. 😁

as long as you are honest and the other person doesn't expect more than you can give or promise - knock yourself out.

Read up on attachment styles then get some therapy otherwise you'll end up lonely with fucked up kids.

After a series of really awful relationships. I'm with you on this one OP.

I'd be perfectly happy with a transactional relationship. Its easier to approach it on business terms almost.

" independant people who get married, both so that they dont die alone in a car home, and also to get annoying family off your back who swear you should be married by now!"

YANBU to take it into consideration, but YANBU to exclusively base a marriage on it. There's no guarantee that he'll share it with you for a start, no guarantee he won't gamble it away. Look for someone whose values match yours.

How old are you op?

And to even be considering this, would indicate the OP is a long way from being in the right place to have a child

You don’t think any potential man in this scenario deserves to be with someone who actually loves them?

Good idea tbh. Wish I had followed that advice. Theres always divorce.
I actually had some wealthy boyfriends but I couldnt stand them after a while, if you find one and like him enough to marry and he wants to marry you then go for it. Sadly for me I fell in love with a normal bloke!
I advised my best friend on this when she was dating a boy who she didnt really fancy that much but could offer her the world and was besotted with her.
Guess who is driving the bentley and living in the mansion, doesnt have to work and is dripping in diamonds... clue.. it's not me!

Completely agree. This is just as dysfunctional your parents' relationships.
Plenty of wealthy and powerful men are cruel/abusive etc, it doesn't make them less likely to be so.

How old are you OP?

My first BF (I was about 16) came from a family with lots of money - and has since inherited a castle on Welsh borders. He had beautiful horses (I was horse-mad & only had my rather elderly pony to ride), he had his own car & would take me out for expensive meals, weekends away etc etc.

The trouble is, despite my best efforts, I didn't fancy him. He would ask what I wanted to do at the weekend, I'd say 'let's go for a long ride on your horses' he'd say that he thought I was only with him because of his horses, me: umm ...🙄

When I became 18 & about to go to uni in London, he wanted to get engaged. I thought about it, discussed with parents & friends, and, in the end decided that I didn't want to have to live with someone who I was good friends with, but didn't fancy despite his money, horses, cars, big house(s) (they had a chateau in France as well as their main house) with people to clean & cook for me & prospects of a comfortable life.

Years afterwards, when struggling with DCs (I went on to have 5), nursery fees, a stressful job, old cars that kept breaking down, high interest rates & unaffordable mortgage, my mother would say what a shame that I didn't marry him as I would be living a life of clover. However, I also would be having to have regular sex with someone who didn't turn me on and would have felt like a prostitute because I would've only been with him for his money. I know that both of our lives would have been miserable.

I don't regret anything. After a short-lived miserable marriage, I met my now DH (who I love more every day and still fancy the pants off 😍), we have 5 wonderful children all of whom are successful in their chosen careers & (except for my youngest) are married with children who are the light of our lives & give us so much pleasure.

I suppose it also depends what “provided they are reasonably easy to get along with” you actually require. Would you be happy to live largely separate lives with a lot of friendships and socialising apart, and have a sexually open relationship so that you’re not required to find emotional or sexual fulfilment in each other? That’s ultimately going to be a lot more realistic than also expecting Mr Reasonably Easy To Get Along With who you aren’t particularly interested in or attracted to or interested in sex with to want to spend the majority of his time with you to the exclusion of others and not to expect a sexual relationship from you.

It sounds to me as though you are carrying on the pattern you were brought up in on a sense. Yes, you plan to have a good material set-up which would be different but the lack of care and emotional support that you would have is probably not dissimilar to that between your parents and between you and them. This is what I think you need to think about, probably with a therapist.

What makes you assume that you need to compromise?

Why not assume you can have someone who is both financially similar to yourself and also attractive to you?

You said yourself that you're financially successful already, so you've ticked that box on your own. Give your hypothetical future kids the gift of modelling a healthy loving relationship so they know how to have one once they reach adulthood.

Security means a lot more than money unfortunately. You mentioned Boris Johnson in one of your follow ups - he famously has left love children scattered about and a lot of his children don’t talk to him anymore.

Aligned values and shared goals are much better indicators of stable family units. I could honestly write a dissertation about this exact thing

It doesn't feel a very healthy way to select a life partner based on money or status.

The phrase 'provided they are reasonably easy to get along with' is the only relevant part of your post tbh. It doesn't matter one bit how wealthy a person is if you don't get along with them. If you dislike someone there really is no point in being married to them - they will negatively affect your life and you and your children won't benefit. If they happen to be rich, that's great. Marrying a rich dickhead is pointless. You will end up miserable and/or divorced.

Given this thread, are you sure that you’re in a healthy place to even be thinking about having children?

You know what’s most important OP is your own financial independence and boundaries. This way you don’t need to compromise for someone who isn’t an equal partner.

I have been a lone parent for 15 years, great career, could afford private school didn’t need a partner but met my partner later in life

What you really need to watch for is to find a man who is a fully operational adult in his own right, a man that can do anything and everything for himself.

If he happens to be also financially independent then great. But a marriage or partnership doesn’t work unless you are equals and share objectives.

And yes get some therapy.

You think money equals resources, which is does to an extent, but another form of resources is human capital. What happens to many women after having babies is that all their time (their own human capital) is taken by looking after the kids, which has an impact on their careers too, and even with a wealthy DH they can end up time poor or indeed just poor if he doesn’t pull his weight with the kids or share finances. Which is all a longwinded way of saying… if you want a man with resources (not just money) then pick a good man who will share in the home labour and parenting too because having kids is like having a second job and being married to someone who has a good income is simply not enough. They need to be a good father and a good person too.

I think as long as someone is ok to get along with, and all the expectations are up front and on the table, what you're looking for is essentially a companion/business parter type of set up where you're both wanting children and for those children to thrive financially

The vast majority of the world sees marriages and collaborations like this, in the modern West we baulk at such arrangements.

Its not wrong or right, its just what you need and you need to find someone like minded who is happy with that.

Because them havibg money won’t make a good life for your family - what you say you want and what you suggest to do to achieve it are not compatibale

imagine - he’s rich but emotionally abusive or a drug addict or has multiple affairs with other women, or you just drift off living different lives - none of that is a good environment for your kids. Neither is havibg so little respect for yourself that you don’t team up with someone who loves and respects you and who you love and respect in turn

imagine MN in 20 years “my mother married for money and not love. I grew up in a loveless household. Is this normal
or am o right in wanting more for myself “